How to Make Money Writing For Single Atheists With iPhones Who Hate Dieting Christian Homosexuals Who Love Britney Spears

Cool. That should bump up my page views.

(Oh, no. At first doing that seemed so funny — but now I sense its Impending Obnoxiousness. Because you know people really will open this post — and then go, “Oh, wow. Now I so hate this guy.” And I hate it when people hate me. Not because I have any psychotic desire to be loved by everyone, but because I so care about people that it causes me pain when they’re wrong. And not loving me is about as wrong as wrong gets. What’s not to love about me? I … I … I’m pretty tall, which can be darn handy in a high-shelved room, let me tell you. And in the front of my hair I have a balding pattern that many children find delightfully hilarious. And … um … I’m easily amused, so around me just about anyone feels Majorly Entertaining.

Man. That’s a pretty thin list of appealing qualities. Maybe I should … buy a mini-toupee. A toupatch. Anyway, if you were lured here unfairly, please allow me to point you to one of my Actual Posts, which I promise will be funny and assuage your resentment at being cyber-duped. [Try my very recent, Totally A-OK Funny, or Unacceptably Un-Christian? YOU Be the Judge!, if you will.  How To Be Unemployed is pretty yukkalable. Less funny but surprisingly popular was/is How To Make a Living Writing. My most popular post to date is Six Tests to Determine If He’s Mr. Right. One of my personal favorites is The Story of My Life. And I’ll shut-up now.]

To my regular readers: Um … please consider continuing to not hate me. To my fellow WordPressers: I’ll let you know if:  a) view-wise, this Actually Worked, and b) If the people who run WordPress decide they’ve finally had enough of my grinning mug.)

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  • breezy

    aren't you lucky that Christ compels us to continue to not hate you John…which is good for those of us who really love you, huh?

    My favorites are:

    in the humor category – Your "Woody Woodpecker turns manic attack bird" series (my kids, rolling around on the floor laughing everytime they make me read it to them, could be why)

    heart wrenching glory of God category – "God is Love, Christ is Pain" (I've wept everytime I read it)

    get on my knees and pray to discern His will category – all your atheist vs christian posts (and those atheist and 'christians' who remind us how very much the same we all really are)

    if you write, I will read. Our heavenly Father gave you this gift…use it man

  • I have found that the more times you post with the word sex in your tags the higher your readership.

    I looked up the plural spelling of "that" word in my last comment on your last post and the plural is what I wrote or you could use pene. You only go with "i" as plural if the word ends in "-us"!!!

  • The word that starts with p and ends with enis that you said should never be made plural!!!

  • Hm… the only thing that could make this post better is adding politics in there somewhere, maybe "dieting Christian homosexual swing voters"? 😀

  • or swinger-voters…even more diverse.

  • Mr. Shore, your headline is genius. That is all.

  • Trisha

    John, you’re wacky. =D

  • What word? I’m sorry. I forgot.

  • Mona

    I like you anyway John and have been amused by some of your posts and thoughtful about others…

    "I'll be back" <best Schwartenegger voice. (sic)

  • ann

    I'm not sure which target group would go for that title, but I'd love to meet any of them.

    You forgot utube.

  • Tam

    Why do single aetheists with Iphones hate dieting christian homosexuals who love Brittney Spears? Is it the brottney love that turns them off, or the dieting?

    And John, did you really say that p*enis should never be plural? What fun is that?

  • My vote for funniest so far is "how to be unemployed", and my trackback was very tame. Perhaps I could throw in a few incongruous words next time, to help boost your ratings?

  • The only way you could get more page views with that title would be if you added a 'porn' in there somewhere.

  • I just checked my spam trapper and found your email notifying me of this article!

    As for page views, remember that on the internet, content is king, and we believers in Christ have the best content to share!

  • Sabina

    Would never hate you. So appreciate your blog.

  • Cathy

    Toupatch!! Too funny. Thanks.

  • Samhain

    That's a long title! But its funny.

  • I AM curious to know if this did indeed pump up the visit volume.