If We WERE Descended From Apes, At Least I Wouldn’t Have To Work

Ahh, Monday Morning. The sun is rising, the birds are singing–and I’m bitterly angry at Adam, Mr. Former Mud, who said, “Oh, sure, I’ll take a bite of this exact fruit God commanded  me not to eat. I’m sure that when he said, ‘Never, ever eat the fruit off this tree,’ what God really meant  was, ‘Never, ever eat too much of the fruit off this tree.’ So yeah, I’ll take a bite! Give it here! What could it hurt?”

What could it hurt. Moron!

I wish we were  descended from apes. Even an ape  wouldn’t have been that stupid. You can train an ape. But the first man? Not so much.

And because, lo those many years ago, Adam wouldn’t listen to God, today I have to listen to my alarm clock. When, like hard-hatted rats attacking my spine with a jackhammer, my alarm clock shrilly bleats at me to get out of bed, it’s only a matter of time before I’m basically forced to think about whatever infernal work I’m going to have to do that day.

Work! The very word is a cuss word to me! How utterly I loathe it! I am decidedly anti-labor. If I were British, I would vote for the Labor Party—then ditch the “Labor” part. I support the Labor Unions—minus the labor part. If I were a doctor, and a woman said she was going into labor, I’d run.

Actual Effort and enjoying my life go together like lowfat soy milk and Cocoa Pebbles. Forget it. And it’s not like I haven’t tried to combine work with having an enjoyable life, either. I have. I know that that the key to a happy life is getting paid to do what you love. Well, what I love to do is lie on my couch and watch Seinfeld, The Office, The Simpsons, and old Jerry Lewis movies. But do you think anyone has the decency to pay me for doing that? Well, think again, Uncle Bucko. You wouldn’t believe all the times I’ve screamed at some neighbor passing by outside my house, “Hey! I’m doing what I love! Fork over some money!” But do they ever stop and pony up? No.


Thus have I been forced to learn, yet again, that the proverbial “they”—whoever “they” even are—are evil liars.

That stupid Adam! Why did he have to eat that apple? And we don’t even know if it was an apple. All we know is it was some kind of produce. Produce! My life has been ruined because Adam couldn’t resist gnawing on some produce!

You know, if the Bible said, “And so did God commandeth unto Adam, ‘Do not ye eat of the fruit of this tree, which produceth the corndog,'” I could maybe understand what happened. I’d eat an aardvark snout if it came deep fried on a stick. But I have to get off my couch for produce? 

It’s just too wrong to contemplate.

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  • *throws poo*

    If we WERE descended from apes, Ape Adam would have shimmied up that tree to get the fruit all the faster. Helps to have thumbs on the feet for such things.

  • HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I feel you. I have cursed Eve many a time for leading Adam astray. I could be running on a beach with the wind in my hair like the women on the feminine hygiene commercials, but alas I am sitting at my desk commiserating with you all because Eve had to listen to that danggone snake in the grass. Stupid Stupid STUPID Eve. I think you have come up with the most intelligent argument for intelligent design I have ever heard. A female Ape would have pounded the crap out of the snake with a stone before he got one word out. Apes don't like snakes you know.

  • Yeah, I'm thinkin', finding a job you really love is like finding the perfect church. The minute you figure out you have to work at it, suddenly it ain't so perfect. And then you discover that you have to work with other PEOPLE…

    Guy on the left – thorn. Girl on the right – thistle.

    On a brighter note (for me, that is), my daughter is 8 and a half months pregnant, about to enjoy that multiplied sorrow in child-bearing thing.

    Believe I'll just shut up and go to work.

  • Yeah it was that multiplied sorrow in child bearing thing and the monthly bouts with hormones that really get me railing on Eve!

    Stupid apple! Stupid snake!

  • . . .stupid woman! She might have known snakes don't talk……but then, she was new on the block…no experience for a reference point!

    Just think…. if the fruit were a banana and Adam were an Ape…. wow! lots of banana skins to slip into hell on.

    Just my dry humour…sorry!

    Great writing John . . . I needed the chuckles this rainy morning!

  • What kind of sadist God would create an appealing tree, plant it in the middle of the garden, and then tell A&E (that's Adam and Eve, not Arts and Entertainment) not to eat the damned thing?

    There were so many things that could have gone wrong. Adam's goats could have nibbled from the tree and then they would have gotten infected drinking the goats milk.

    Wouldn't a truly kind and loving God be more careful in the horticulture provided in this Garden of Eden?

    Seriously, I've always found this particular myth intriguing because the fruit gives you the "knowledge of good and evil." So what God really wanted was for us not to know the difference between the two? The implication seems to be that we would be better off without morality and all of the potential for failings that comes with it. Of course if that's the goal, and God creates everything, he must have woken up on the wrong side of the cloud that day to create the tree.

    Weird God you have there, John.

  • Brian,

    Dude, did this post really require that? I'm just as godless as you, but not every comment made by a Christian needs to be followed up by an atheist comeback. Especially when they're meant in the spirit of fun, which seems to be the case here.

    Had this been a serious post about evolution being wrong and the Genesis story being 100% true, I'd back you up. But that is not what this was.

  • Actual Effort and enjoying my life go together like lowfat soy milk and Cocoa Pebbles.

    Being lactose intolerant, I had to go over this statement several times. I actually think lowfat soy milk is good!

    Actually, I think it was Eve who did the shopping that day.

  • Arnette

    Poor Brian…and you sound like the Brian on "Family Guy" btw…God has always wanted us to be obedient. And A&E just couldn't. And even after reading this "lovely" story we STILL can't. He's a kind and loving God for sure, but He wants us to obey so that He can do what's best for us. And we CAN'T. And on this Monday morning when the very last thing I wanted to do was get up and come to work, I've gotta agree with John and say, "Curse you Adam AND Eve."

  • I actually think lowfat soy milk is good!

    Oh Ric, this comment is wrong on so many levels, but let's just analyze a few of them for the sake of attempting to ground you back in reality.

    A) Using the adjective good as a descriptor for soy. If we let that go this time then the next thing we know you're going to try and suggest that tofu is delectable when we all know it's little more than edible (barely) spackling paste. We have to stop you now Ric, before it's too late.

    B) Lowfat. Good. Another example of an adjective-noun contradiction. See A above.

    C) Soymilk. I grew up on a dairy farm. There were cows on the farm, and from the cows came milk. Even if I were to give you that soybeans actually have milk in them please explain how they could ever attach the milking machines to those teeny-weeny soybean teats?

    And don't even get me started on Fat-Free ice CREAM!

  • Laura

    Well spoken Anita!

  • Trounced! Thoroughly and utter-ly trounced!

    You have this round cowgirl.

    And here I thought my Eve comment was the risky one…

  • Yes, John – Adam's appetite for produce and resulting destruction made sure your salad days would be limited in this fallen world.

    Brian, you have to admit that in your terms if God is "sadist" as creator he at least provided several other interesting herbs to alleviate Adam and Eve's suffering.

    Not trying to be argumentative or anything because I'm still struggling with some actions in the Old Testament and asking my church elders about it. I just don't get some of it.

    I will say after having all wisdom teeth cut out at 18 I was awfully grateful God came up with Opium Poppies that scientists transformed into percodan.

    And rainy days and Mondays always get me down. So I'm grateful for John's blog.


  • Gee whiz, I even got the atheists riled up.

    I thought with the A&E comment you would get I was trying to keep the humor going… but I think it does bring up a serious point about why a God who creates everything takes the time and energy to create something whose only purpose is to get us in trouble and give us the opportunity to do what he doesn't want us to do. It sounds like a sick kid torturing an animal.

    Uh oh, now I'm gonna be in real trouble around here.

    Also I'm serious, what would have happened if they didn't eat the damned apple, aside from John sitting on the couch watching sitcoms all day? What if we didn't know about good and evil? What if we weren't forced to impose an artificial morality and could just live and let live? Wouldn't that have been preferable to all those Thou Shalt Nots?

    So I'm with ya John, apple eating is bad for you.

  • Trounced! Thoroughly and utter-ly trounced!

    You have this round cowgirl.

    Ric, my intention was never to trounce you…I had only hoped to correct you…in love.

    And here I thought my Eve comment was the risky one…

    Had I only not been distracted by the soymilk comment….

    As to being called cowgirl don't know whether I should sign off by with a yippy ki ay or moooooo. Either way, a wink and a nod to you big buddy 🙂

  • Laura

    The irony of this post is that I visit your site when I am procrastinating on my work…

  • Laura

    Anita, if you were supposed to sign off with moooo, Ric would have written "udder-ly trounced" instead of "utter-ly trounced."

    So… I would go with yippy ki ay 🙂

  • stushie

    I like Mark Twain's parody about work in Tom Sawyer when he gets all of his friends to pay him to whitewash the fence.

    Now if Tom Sawyer had been the first human in the Garden, he would have taken that apple to swap it for a snake from Eve.

  • God

    Well you were apes till you ate from the tree.

  • Zach

    Well I am not really very religious but I have always thought the Adam and Eve story was pretty interesting.

    I always thought it was a perfect example of an explanation myth. I could almost see a child asking, “Why are there rainbows?” And then their parent would tell them the Noah’s ark story. Adam and Eve on the other hand seem to tell the story of why people are smarter than animals.

    First we start off with Adam and Eve running around in the nude, and enjoying themselves without sin, just as any animal would. They then decide to eat from a tree of knowledge, “And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew they were naked.” It’s at this point that they gain self awareness, and their first act as sentient creatures is to make loincloths.

    Now what I have always thought was interesting about this story was that God didn’t notice that anything was wrong until he notices that Adam and Eve have started acting funny. Also God’s speech later on as they are getting kicked out seems like a terrific metaphor for the change from the Edenic lifestyle of an animal who can simply forage for food if they get hungry, to living an agrarian lifestyle where you must till the earth to win your bread.

    If you wanted to bring this into a modern context, you could imagine going to work one day and looking over at a bird’s nest to think, “Well, have the birds got jobs?” This isn’t to say that the birds are squatting. But they don’t have the same things to worry about as we do, taxes, bills, and your 401K. And the birds do all right don’t they?

    In theory, just as Adam and Eve when they were confronted by God, you have a choice. You could strip off your clothes, forget about your job, run into the wilderness, chase down your own dinner, and be your own boss. If you really wanted to you could return to Eden.

    This concept also works outside of the context of a religion. In nature it seems as though the amount of control a creature has over its environment is directly proportional to the amount of effort it is willing to put into it. We can see this from a bird building a nest all the way up to bees building a hive. And as far as not being able to “get back into Eden” We can see that there is a certain point in the evolution of a species where they wouldn’t be able to get by without the “modern conveniences” of their lifestyle. A bird may be able to get by without a nest, but imagine bees without a hive.

    We may even be at the point of seeing this in progress even now. There have been several news stories of wild primates using tools, even spears.

  • Hey, all. Just read all these. Fun! I've been away all day; I drove to sunny and artsy Laguna Beach, where I spent the day with Steve Arterburn taping intros to the seven chapters for the Midlife Manual for Men Workbook.

    Anyway, what characters I have here! Soy milk! Mark Twain! Atheists! Bean teats!

    It's really all too much.

    I believe I'll basically go to bed now, and see you guys tomorrow.

    Ah, the Adam and Eve story. It's just so … ripe for the pickin' over. Do we EVER exhaust its possibilities?

    I once wrote this whole deal about Adam, upset about God having removed one of his ribs, complains about having lost a bone. Then he sees Eve. And then he goes, "Oh. THERE'S my bone!"

    Hey, HEY! Nobody said theology was pretty.

    Besides, YOU guys said "teats."

  • Anita, if you were supposed to sign off with moooo, Ric would have written “udder-ly trounced” instead of “utter-ly trounced.”

    Laura, Laura, Laura. Good one. But then, you're so quick there's no chance of slipping one past-ur-ized! I know. Dairy humor can be so cheesy at times and tonight seems egg-cessively so.

    This is Ric's fault. Just for the record.

  • Hey, if Adam resisted, I probably would've wolfed down that produce.

    That's IF the millions of idiots before me successfully avoided that produce first.

  • Is that why you shaved? Seriously though, (I think) at least we don't have to pray, "Our father who art up a tree1"

  • This is Ric’s fault. Just for the record.

    Hey, I can claim I actually meant utterly.

    BTW, I grew up on a farm too. But then you probably guessed that already from my spelling prowess.

  • Laura

    This whole thing is so very punny…

  • tavdy

    "If we WERE descended from apes, Ape Adam would have shimmied up that tree to get the fruit all the faster." – Morse

    "If our ape ancestors had known that politicians would come out of the gene pool, they'd have stayed up in the trees and written evolution off as a bad idea." – J. M. Straczynski

    "Gee whiz, I even got the atheists riled up." – Brian Shields

    Well here's a Christian coming in to defend you. I think you made a couple of good points, and I'd far rather be discussing philosophy than actually doing my work (which, as it happens, is not an issue today since I've got the day off).

    "I’ve always found this particular myth intriguing because the fruit gives you the “knowledge of good and evil.” So what God really wanted was for us not to know the difference between the two? The implication seems to be that we would be better off without morality and all of the potential for failings that comes with it."

    Or maybe God wanted to be worshipped by people who choose to worship him, rather than being preprogrammed to. If a friend spent time to make you a nice meal you'd enjoy the food more than if you'd paid for it in a restaurant. The friend can choose to make you the meal and does so as an act of love; the chef can't and doesn't respectively.

    Either way A&E were (as we say in Blighty) a right pair of prize pillocks.

    (Oh, and in the UK A&E is Accident & Emergency – kinda equivalent to ER. Eating the fruit might not have been an accident, but it definitely began a fairly major emergency. Now try rereading everything with that in mind 😉 )

  • Laura, I think we can milk this one 'till the cows come home.

  • tavdy

    "I think we can milk this one ’till the cows come home."

    I bet you looked like the cat that got the cream when you posted that 😉

  • Laura

    This is too much… I need to start walking on eggshells around you people

  • Okay, stop. STOP!

    Really. How do you guys peep at night?

  • Laura

    I feel like the fox that got into the henhouse for causing all this mischief!

  • Okay John, you win. You're the first to cry "Fowl!"

  • Y'all are carryin' on like a bunch o' chickens with yer heads cut off!

    My dad used to say that.

    It was kinda traumatic the day I figured out what he meant.

  • Ric! Another insufferable punster! Guilty! To the plank with you!

    Of course, you HAVE here, steered us away from … THAT stuff. So you get a point for that.

    I'll let you back in.

    But Anita, Sam, Laura, and any of you other Word Nerds out there? You people and I need to talk.

  • Captain Sigh,

    And to think I skipped free Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream for all this pun. Ya'll do know it Ben and Jerry's free Ice Cream day?

    More dairy – but let's not go down THAT Rocky Road.

    And I know you didn't just go Seuss on us. I'll counter-Seuss if you're not careful.

    -Sam I am

  • OK, wait wait wait. It's BEN AND JERRY'S FREE ICE CREAM DAY???

    1. Are you kidding me with this?

    2. Why are you telling me this at the END OF THE DAY??


  • John,

    I kid you not. www. benjerry . com.

    Good things come to those that wait.

    Thought surely you would know about this.


  • Free poison. Be still my faint heart.

  • A Ben and Jerry's Free Ice Cream Day? Oh. That's nice. But then I had a Baskin-Robbins Free Ice Cream Life my entire childhood. Any time. All the time. Fresh out of the ginormous mixers at the family farm. Yes. True. This is me gloating. I know it's not pretty but it sure is fun 🙂

    :::slapping my head::: Oh. My apologies. Ignore the above comment. I just remembered Captn' "Torch Boy" Smartypants chastised me publicly for my part in the John Shore blog uprising by suggesting there's something more important I should be doing.

    But what could that be unless….oh, that's right! http://www.ricbooth.wordpress.com



    I'm off!

    ::::rubbing my hands together while cackling with glee:::

  • I was not going to join in all the punny business but since we started with the farm theme and no seem to be on the pirate theme I couldn't resist!

    How much did the pirate charge for corn? A buck and ear

    Sorry so sorry I just couldn't resist!

    And free ice cream?!?! SSSShsssshh don't tell my kids!

  • Laura

    Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

    Because the captain was standing on the deck!

    I know tons of pirate jokes.

    John, why do we need to talk? It sounds like your feathers are all ruffled, so you should probably calm down first.

  • Apparently the captain's gone ashore seeking a nice dream.

    Why did the pirate keep the little boy from going to a movie?

    Because it was rated "Argghhh."

    Yeah, my kids watch "Spongebob" too.

    Such Nautical Nonsense.


  • The favorite rock star of pirates?


    The favorite burger of pirates?

    Burger King's WhoppARRRRRRRRRRRRR!

    The favorite table game of pirates?


    I work with preschoolers.

    Now that's a crowd that appreciates my humor.

  • Cheat notes available at http://www.piratejokes.net.

    I LOVE the internet.

  • Laura

    When is a pirate like a bird?

    When he's a-robbin'!

    What is a pirate's favorite sport?


    Why didn't the pirate want to go ashore?

    It was too fARRRRRRRR!

    My coworkers and I have random joke contests. Such we start work at 6:30am, it gets pretty crazy

  • Laura,

    Someone’s going to go for it, so hoping the early bird gets the worm I’ll join the barnyard fun and start the name calling.

    “This is too much… I need to start walking on eggshells around you people”

    Would that make you chicken?

    Ric, Anita, your cunning punning makes me exclaim “I’m not worthy” and cow-er before you.


  • I hate you.

  • Blimey! It appears a certain someone has some control issues on the poop deck. Well sink me, me hearties, the Cap'n is thinkin' it's a cat o' nine tails and a dip in the briny deep to feed the fish for all ye mutinous swabs, when what the cap'n really needs is to go splice the mainbrace whilst the sea dogs have their day.

    Funny but every time my beloved and I eat an orange one of us is always bound to say, "Aye, got to take care not to get the scurvy." It must have been one too many rides through Pirates of the Caribbean.

  • For some reason I have an odd craving to watch Mutiny on the Bounty but I can’t imagine why. Can you Capt’n Bligh?

    …uh…I mean John.

    There seems no doubt, the animals are in charge of the zoo.

  • Yes, they are: And I blame YOU, Anita. “Egg-sessive.” “Past-your-eyes.” Was that necessary? Did you really have to do that? Don’t you have important things you’re supposed to be doing, ministries you’re carrying out, and so on?

    But no. Instead you thought it would be fun to come over here and play “Spleen Acres” on my blog. And you see where that’s gotten us.

    Bligh? No. Captain Sigh, am I.

  • Anita,

    Remind me again – when is “Talk like a Pirate Day?”


  • Laura

    September 19

    still got awhile to go

  • Anita,

    Remind me again – when is “Talk like a Pirate Day?”


    Sam, it appears you made a typo since I assume you actually meant to ask “When is it not “Talk like a Pirate Day?”.

    That would be July 13 between the hours of 9:00 a.m. and 3:00 p.m.

  • No. WRONG. NOT talk like a pirate day is from 9:27 p.m. Pacific Coast Time on Tuesday, April 29, 2008 until I say so. Starting … NOW!

  • Wow. That WAS impressive.

    Okay, pirate talk's okay. I do love me some pirates. And I HAVE happily gone on Pirates of the Caribbean so often I know exactly when the dog with the keys is going to blink. And he STILL looks real!

    It's just puns. I have PUN issues.

  • A friend of mine now has a T-Shirt that reads:

    "Incorrigible punster –

    please do not incorrige!"

    Perhaps that should be mandatory garb around this blog…

  • I have PUN issues.

    I think wee herd that the first time. Or are we no longer on the fAAARRRm?

    Man I suck at this. Sam, jump in anytime.

  • "Too much calf-feine?"

    No whey you just said that! If ever there was a bad-pun spreader, that you b-eue.

    (dang … how to spell eue… )

  • Ric,

    That would be "ewe."

    But seriously, I had to leave this blog party. I'm approaching pun saturation. Mind has gone blank and I can't bare any more pirate or animal jokes.


  • This is an interesting & humorous article that you've composed, and I can definitely relate. But Adam had a job from the beginning that was tied into God's very purpose for having created him.

    Refer to Genesis 2 (NIV translation) and you see that Adam was a worker from the beginning, although having the ground cursed to yield thorns and struggling to produce a crop certainly didn't help.

    4 This is the account of the heavens and the earth when they were created.

    When the LORD God made the earth and the heavens- 5 and no shrub of the field had yet appeared on the earth [b] and no plant of the field had yet sprung up, for the LORD God had not sent rain on the earth [c] and there was no man to work the ground,

    15 The LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it.

  • I think wee herd that the first time. Or are we no longer on the fAAARRRm?

    I’m not certain but that was so baaaaaaaaaad I think I actually experienced physical pain as a result. Leave it to you to stirrup trouble and steer away from the topic at hand which seems to hap-pun alot around here. Do you think the reason could be as simple as we’re all just drinking too much calf-feine?

  • Just a technical note for clarification… we are not descended FROM modern apes. We share a common ancestor WITH modern apes, the same way you share ancestors with your cousins, rather than being descended from your cousins. As to whether our shared common ancestors would be classified as apes, well, that’s simply a taxonomy question. The various species, genera, families, and other categories we place animals in are convenient groupings that help us organize, but do not capture the continuum of evolution. If you held your mother’s hand, and she held mother’s, and so on for about 300,000 generations back (approximately the time we split from chimps and bonobos), you’d have a chain about 216 miles long, and the individual at the other end would not be called human. However, you would never identify two individuals along the chain for whom you could say that one was human and the next was not.

    It’s well enough to find inspiration from ancient tales like those in Genesis, and apply the insights of their authors and their times to our lives, but I’d recommend making that endeavor part of a fuller and more robust outlook. We are storytelling animals, and we want to be part of a narrative. What better narrative is there than the one that shows us where we REALLY came from, and demonstrates that we are cousins with all life? It is not merely a beautiful, humbling and awe-inspiring story, but one that is demonstrably true. Have a great day, everyone!

  • tavdy

    "We share a common ancestor WITH modern apes, the same way you share ancestors with your cousins, rather than being descended from your cousins…

    …We are storytelling animals, and we want to be part of a narrative." – Ross

    Terry Pratchett, the English author, says that assuming we are descended from early apes, we would be better described as "Pan Narrans" (Story-telling ape) rather than "Homo Sapiens" (Intelligent human). This is especially true when you consider some of the monumentally dumb things humans have done through history.

  • snowhite197

    Have you seen "Into the Wild"? There is a part of that movie that reminds me of this post. The kid is hitchiking and lives off of what he can find. Well in one scene he must be pretty famished because he has found an apple and is sitting down to enjoy it and starts talking to it, like, "Oh man, you're REALLY good. I mean, REALLY REALLY good! You are the apple of my eye!!!"

    It's a good movie. 🙂

  • arlywn

    tsk tsk guys. and to think that all of this is because of a fruit. see? this is why little kids shouldnt eat fruits and vegetables. Btw- who is this god person? and can he comment more often? I think he was the only one who made any sense at all. lol

  • Brian

    I think you are looking at this wrong. Eve is the hero. Without Eve eating the apple and giving us freedom, we would all be bored stiff, being a yes man and no privacy. I love this life and love being separated from God. In a good way. I don’t want my Dad watching me 24/7.

    Eve is the true hero of the Bible. The liberator.

    And you can’t really blame her anyways. I mean how is a pathetic human, who does not even know the difference between good and evil (she hasn’t eaten the apple yet) supposed to defend herself against the Prince of Darkness, God’s GREATEST creation?

    Makes you wonder what the hell God was doing allowing Satan in the garden to begin with. Would you allow a pedophile in you backyard to play with your child in the sandbox? I think not.

  • Like to watch Stargate Atlantis episodes and also Lost. I found your blog on google and read a few of your other posts. I just added you to my Google News Reader. Look forward to reading more from you in the future.