Below are the minutes of the first Official Meeting (done cyberistically, of course) of the John Shore Facebook Fan Club. (Names of club members have been changed to protect the totally obnoxious innocent.)
John: Order! Order! The first official meeting of the John Shore Facebook Fan Club will now commence. I’m your host and object of your unfettered adoration, John Shore. Welcome!
Fan: I don’t think “comence” is how you spell that.
Other Fan: It’s not.
Third Fan: Has anyone ever noticed how much John cannot spell?
John: Hello? Excuse me? Fan club meeting? Not a spelling bee.
Third Fan: I’m just saying.
Random fan: You are a writer.
Other Fan: Use spell-check.
John: Will you people stop already? Yikes. What’s with the spelling obsession? I’m a writer, not a speller. The two aren’t related. Now then. Since this is our first meeting, there are no minutes to read from our last meeting. We’re timeless! We haven’t even started yet, and we’re already out of time!
Fan: Oh, no.
Fan: Oh, no. He’s being “funny.”
Fan: Heaven help us.
Fan: And he’ll go on forever.
Fan: He does do that.
Other Fan: I thought it was pretty funny.
John: You, last commenter: You have just become president of the John Shore Fan Club.
Last Commenter: But I don’t—
John: Too late; the honor is yours. Now then: Lacking a history means embracing our present and future. So: Any new business to discuss?
Fan: I have something.
John: Yes! By all means!
Fan: What’s with that last video you put up?
John: Excuse me?
Fan: Yeah, what WAS that?
John: What are you talking about?
Fan: It was pretty awful. I turned it off after the first minute.
Fan: Do you really think people don’t have anything better to do than watch you say nothing for eight minutes?
Fifth Fan: LOL
Fan: That was kind of mean. He tried.
John: Perhaps some of us aren’t clear on the purpose of this meeting. This is a John Shore FAN CLUB MEETING. Besides, that video was great. I just know people loved it. It was the ultimate in intimate cinema verte.
John: What’s that mean?
Fan: So Not Laughing Out Loud.
Fan: I liked it. I like all three of your videos.
John: Thank you!
Fan: Especially the one with dog!
Fan: Yes! The dog!
Fan: The dog!
Fan: That dog was so cute!
Fan: She was! Little Munch! Those adorable button eyes!
Fan: The dog!Fan: Bring back the dog!
Fan: That white fur!
Fan: That little face!
Fan: Those ears!
Fan: Those floppy ears!
Fan: I would watch any video with that dog in it.
Fan: Me, too!
Fan: Me too!
Fan: Count me in!
Fan: Bring back the dog!
Fan: She wasn’t in the video nearly long enough.
Fan: Hear, hear!
Fan: Ear, ear!
John: Now, then. A lot of you, I noticed, are from countries other than America. I think that’s great. For instance, I’ve noticed that we have the honor of hosting several Kenyanians.
Fan: Oh, God.
Fan: It’s Kenyans, John. Kenyans.
Fan: It is Kenyans.
John: I believe it’s Kenyanians.
Fan: I believe it’s moron.
John: Hey! A lot of these things are subjective, you know.
Fan: No, they’re not.
Fan: I am very sorry to be the one to have to tell you this, John, but it is “Kenyans”. I am from Kenya. It is “Kenyans.”
John: Others of you, I see, are from India. You are Native Americans.
Fan: Please cancel me from your club.
Fan: Me, too.
Fan: Count me out.
Fan: I don’t even know how I signed up. I only meant to look at John’s fan club page.
Fan: Me, too!
Fan: He totally pressured me into joining it. He sounded so desperate for people to join. I kind of felt sorry for him.
Fan: Me, too!
Fan: Me, too!
John: You know, I do have fans. Real fans. It just so happens that apparently none of them showed up at this meeting.
Fan: They’re probably all at the Native Americaneos Kenyanianian meeting.
John: Okay, that’s it. This meeting is ajourned. Adjurned. Ajurned. Over.
Fan: Really? Oh, gee. What a bummer.
John: Now, if any of you know any real fans of mine, or have friends whom you think might enjoy my stuff and so become fans, please be sure to send them here. Okay? It’ll only take you a moment to recommend me. It’s important.
Fan: Wait, don’t tell us. You’re still trying to impress a Big Media Interest with how many people like your writing. With how many fans you have.
John: Yes! Exactly! That’s just what I’m trying to do!
Fan: You know what you should do, then?
Fan: Keep the minutes of this meeting to yourself.