Minutes From the First John Shore Facebook Fan Club Meeting

Below are the minutes of the first Official Meeting (done cyberistically, of course) of the John Shore Facebook Fan Club. (Names of club members have been changed to protect the totally obnoxious innocent.)

John: Order! Order! The first official meeting of the John Shore Facebook Fan Club will now commence. I’m your host and object of your unfettered adoration, John Shore. Welcome!

Fan: I don’t think “comence” is how you spell that.

Other Fan: It’s not.

Third Fan: Has anyone ever noticed how much John cannot spell?

John: Hello? Excuse me? Fan club meeting? Not a spelling bee.

Third Fan: I’m just saying.

Random fan: You are a writer.

Other Fan: Use spell-check.

John: Will you people stop already? Yikes. What’s with the spelling obsession? I’m a writer, not a speller. The two aren’t related. Now then. Since this is our first meeting, there are no minutes to read from our last meeting. We’re timeless! We haven’t even started yet, and we’re already out of time!

Fan: Oh, no.

Fan: Oh, no. He’s being “funny.”

Fan: Heaven help us.

Fan: And he’ll go on forever.

Fan: He does do that.

Other Fan: I thought it was pretty funny.

John: You, last commenter: You have just become president of the John Shore Fan Club.

Last Commenter: But I don’t—

John: Too late; the honor is yours. Now then: Lacking a history means embracing our present and future. So: Any new business to discuss?

Fan: I have something.

John: Yes! By all means!

Fan: What’s with that last video you put up?

John: Excuse me?

Fan: Yeah, what WAS that?

John: What are you talking about?

Fan: It was pretty awful. I turned it off after the first minute.

Fan: Do you really think people don’t have anything better to do than watch you say nothing for eight minutes?

Fifth Fan: LOL

Fan: That was kind of mean. He tried.

John: Perhaps some of us aren’t clear on the purpose of this meeting. This is a John Shore FAN CLUB MEETING. Besides, that video was great. I just know people loved it. It was the ultimate in intimate cinema verte.

Fan: SNLOL

John: What’s that mean?

Fan: So Not Laughing Out Loud.

Fan: I liked it. I like all three of your videos.

John: Thank you!

Fan: Especially the one with dog!

Fan: Yes!

Fan: Yes! The dog!

Fan: The dog!

Fan: That dog was so cute!

Fan: She was! Little Munch! Those adorable button eyes!

Fan: The dog!

Fan: Bring back the dog!

Fan: That white fur!

Fan: That little face!

Fan: Those ears!

Fan: Those floppy ears!

Fan: Yaaaaay!

Fan: I would watch any video with that dog in it.

Fan: Me, too!

Fan: Me too!

Fan: Count me in!

Fan: Bring back the dog!

Fan: She wasn’t in the video nearly long enough.

Fan: Hear, hear!

Fan: Ear, ear!

Fan: LOL!

Fan: LOL!

Fan: LOL!

John: SNLOL.

[pause]

John: Now, then. A lot of you, I noticed, are from countries other than America. I think that’s great. For instance, I’ve noticed that we have the honor of hosting several Kenyanians.

Fan: Oh, God.

Fan: It’s Kenyans, John. Kenyans.

Fan: It is Kenyans.

John: I believe it’s Kenyanians.

Fan: I believe it’s moron.

John: Hey! A lot of these things are subjective, you know.

Fan: No, they’re not.

Fan: No.

Fan: No.

Fan: I am very sorry to be the one to have to tell you this, John, but it is “Kenyans”. I am from Kenya. It is “Kenyans.”

John: Others of you, I see, are from India. You are Native Americans.

Fan: Please cancel me from your club.

Fan: Me, too.

Fan: Count me out.

Fan: I don’t even know how I signed up. I only meant to look at John’s fan club page.

Fan: Me, too!

Fan: He totally pressured me into joining it. He sounded so desperate for people to join. I kind of felt sorry for him.

Fan: Me, too!

Fan: Me, too!

John: You know, I do have fans. Real fans. It just so happens that apparently none of them showed up at this meeting.

Fan: They’re probably all at the Native Americaneos Kenyanianian meeting.

Fan: LOL!

Fan: LOL

John: Okay, that’s it. This meeting is ajourned. Adjurned. Ajurned. Over.

Fan: Really? Oh, gee. What a bummer.

Fan: LOL!

John: Now, if any of you know any real fans of mine, or have friends whom you think might enjoy my stuff and so become fans, please be sure to send them here. Okay? It’ll only take you a moment to recommend me. It’s important.

Fan: Wait, don’t tell us. You’re still trying to impress a Big Media Interest with how many people like your writing. With how many fans you have.

John: Yes! Exactly! That’s just what I’m trying to do!

Fan: You know what you should do, then?

John: ???

Fan: Keep the minutes of this meeting to yourself.

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About John Shore

John Shore (who, fwiw, is straight) is the author of UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question, and three other great books. He is founder of Unfundamentalist Christians (on Facebook here), and executive editor of the Unfundamentalist Christians group blog.  (In total John's two blogs receive some 250,000 views per month.) John is also co-founder of The NALT Christians Project, which was written about by TIME,  The Washington Post, and others. His website is JohnShore.com. John is a pastor ordained by The Progressive Christian Alliance. You're invited to like John's Facebook page. And don't forget to sign up for his mucho awesome monthly newsletter.

  • http://ww.sheppardministries.com Greta

    Dear John……exactly why I don't like Face book…too much 'small talk'! But you are a great writer, and I highly recommend you to everyone I know…when's your next book coming out? when's your next fan club meeting? just kidding you….you deserve some grateful fans, which I am of course!

  • FreetoBe

    Hey! How come I didn't get invited to the first meeting? The timeless meeting? And yeah, what Greta said.

  • http://rightplaceandtime.blogspot.com/ Colleen

    It was all very humorous in a roast the host sort of fashion. I played an international hearts game online for a number of years and people could be very, how can I say, caustic. But they could not curse or be obscene without getting kicked out. So you learned to tolerate the hazing which was a tactic to intimidate you and throw you off your game. I think men like this form of humor more than women. Did you notice the ganging up. That is what people do to avoid being the target (victim). If it’s all done in good fun and everyone is secure in their friendships and who they are … it’s okay? I grew up with a lot of that “put down” type of humor and it’s the Don Rickles type that you either love or hate. Very provocational, designed to incite a reaction! Tough when it’s coming at you rapid fire but it can be very funny as long as people don’t get carried away. Kind of needs some refereeing. You handled yourself quite well John. As always! By the way you and Kat are a cute couple. Your facebook let us peek in on the family side of your life. Blessings!

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Ah, you guys are so sweet. But, I fear, you maybe didn’t read all the way to the end of the piece, wherein I say something to the effect that all of those minutes were totally made up. It’s a JOKE, see? It’s humor, purely. Or supposed to be, anyway.

    You guys defend me, or are sad you missed the “meeting.” That’s so sweet! But fear not: No such meeting really happened.

  • http://rightplaceandtime.blogspot.com/ Colleen

    Ohhhh, ummmmm, yah I knew that! (said in a swift valley girl defense) Should have known it would have been in the small print. LOL! Good one! You can fool all of the people some of the time…I’m often found in that category- only to be out gullibilized (look into that word will ya?) by my honey Rich. I so gearing up to write a classic prank home owner’s association letter for some homespun laughs. He would so fall for it. I could make it pretty outrageous before he would catch on. I’ll run it past ya before launch date. Feel free to donate a sentence or two now that you too are a home owner.

  • Judy

    No fan meeting? But, I showed up with pork rinds and Coke.

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Colleen: From what I’ve seen of HOA docs, it’ll be a challenge to make it seem too extreme.

    Judy: TOTALLY FUNNY!

    hmmmm….. pork RINDS.

  • http://skerrib.blogspot.com skerrib

    Hahaha…in the “Kenyanians” debate I couldn’t help thinking of Keynesians…you know, the economic folks who are into the theories of Keynes…

  • http://www.arlcoy.wordpress.com arlywn

    oddly, that ‘meeting’ sounds very authentic to the usual comments you do get. that must be why we couldnt tell the different. have you been brushing up on the impressions there john?

  • http://kansasbob.com Kansas Bob

    I became a fan.. hope you weren’t looking for an air conditioner.

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Skerrib: that would have been funny if I’d thought to go with the Keynesians. But I didn’t. And now my world is a little sadder.

    Kansas: You did the COOL thing. Get it? Get it??!! (And thank you.)

  • rebekah

    how many indians joined up? this one is definitely not a Native american :) but i’ve been a silent (shaking with laughter) reader of your blogposts. You are a great writer, keep going!

  • http://www.1truebeliever.wordpress.com wickle

    I don’t think it can really be called a meeting if there aren’t doughnuts (aka “donuts”), bagels, or some other form of round bread-related product.

    I don’t see those mentioned in the minutes. Actually, I’ve found that most meetings I attend (or used to attend, rather) left out the presence of such items. Of course, sometimes that might have been because there weren’t any … under those conditions, I really thought that I wasn’t obligated to stay for the meeting.

    I might have had something to say about the post when I started this, but it slipped my mind.

    I move that, in the future, the minutes-taker should document the presence or absence of such items.

  • FreetoBe

    (actually, I did get it, John. Just to let you know. Sometimes humor doesn’t translate well :( . Anyway……..)

  • http://thedeepermeaningoflife.blogspot.com Elle

    A little late chiming in but a ha ha ha. You don't know how close that is to my cyber classroom. We are from all over the world and can veer off the subject, as in dog above. SNLOL!

    Elle, a real Kenyanian.

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Kenyanians in the hooooooouuusse! Dig it. Totally lovely.

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  • Candace

    accersspern, hate to break it to ya, but John's poetry is WAYYYY better.


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