Zombie Stalkers, Glue-Sniffing Ice Makers, and Bunting Beer Robbers

The post you are looking for is included in HA!, a full-sized collection of five years worth of my best humor. If you are a Kindle owner and a member of Amazon Prime, you can borrow HA! for free, with no due dates. (If you don’t own a Kindle, here’s where to get one. To learn more about Amazon Prime—and to get a one-month free trial—go here. ) As per Amazon’s rules, content included in the Kindle Lending Library program cannot be available elsewhere online. Sorry for the inconvenience this may have caused you.

Print Friendly

About John Shore

John Shore (who, fwiw, is straight) is the author of UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question, and three other great books. He is founder of Unfundamentalist Christians (on Facebook here), and executive editor of the Unfundamentalist Christians group blog.  (In total John's two blogs receive some 250,000 views per month.) John is also co-founder of The NALT Christians Project, which was written about by TIME,  The Washington Post, and others. His website is JohnShore.com. John is a pastor ordained by The Progressive Christian Alliance. You're invited to like John's Facebook page. And don't forget to sign up for his mucho awesome monthly newsletter.

  • namesake

    Wow! No, not the story – I mean, that's incredible – but, Wow!, the way your mind works. Does that hurt?

    Actually, though, I think I've stood in similar places before, wondering similar things. I can actually feel the weight of that question, which continually resonates in all of our lives, I think.

    Great finish – to the story that is. To your life question, it remains to be seen, I guess.

  • namesake

    Wow! No, not the story – I mean, that's incredible – but, Wow!, the way your mind works. Does that hurt?

    Actually, though, I think I've stood in similar places before, wondering similar things. I can actually feel the weight of that question, which continually resonates in all of our lives, I think.

    Great finish – to the story that is. To your life question, it remains to be seen, I guess.

  • http://www.arlcoy.wordpress.com arlywn

    wow….. you were totally in the darkside before finding god in a closet. maybe its just me- but that sentence sounds way wrong…. I'm not rereading it, I dont want to know. great story.

  • http://ww.sheppardministries.com Greta

    Ditto . . . wow….you had me spellbound to my chair…my heart did flip-flops from the tension…. good story…well told!

  • http://ww.sheppardministries.com Greta

    Ditto . . . wow….you had me spellbound to my chair…my heart did flip-flops from the tension…. good story…well told!

  • http://thesearethecrazytimes-christine.blogspot.com Christine

    ditto ditto ditto……would've been quicker to say wow. guess you never saw yourself sitting at a comp reading comments from avid fans way back then. hope my life turns out as nicely

  • http://thesearethecrazytimes-christine.blogspot.com Christine

    ditto ditto ditto……would've been quicker to say wow. guess you never saw yourself sitting at a comp reading comments from avid fans way back then. hope my life turns out as nicely

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Thanks to you each. (And you're right, Christine: I certainly never imagined, when I was in my teens, anything having anything whatsoever to do with computers. (Though, actually, that's not true: one of my high school friend's mother was one of the first, like, 10 employees of Apple Computers, which was born in my home town. So never mind.)

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Thanks to you each. (And you're right, Christine: I certainly never imagined, when I was in my teens, anything having anything whatsoever to do with computers. (Though, actually, that's not true: one of my high school friend's mother was one of the first, like, 10 employees of Apple Computers, which was born in my home town. So never mind.)

  • http://www.1truebeliever.wordpress.com wickle

    As I said the other day, you're wrecking my whole image of being a professional writer living in California. What's the point, if you're going to be up at 4am?

    I guess I'll just stick with my stupid warehousing job, then!

    Yeah, so, anyway … I was reading this, and the term "stream of consciousness" kept coming to mind. I wonder why that was?

    Back when I used to like my job, I worked at a Credit Union. One of the branches at which I worked was on the Portsmouth Naval Shipyard. The other half of our building was in the Controlled Industrial Area, which means that there was a gate directly outside our door, and in the gate house was a man with an M-16. Sometimes two men, presumably each with his own M-16 (they didn't look like the type of guys who would share). The base police station was visible outside our window. Presumably, there were many more men and M-16's in there. I never looked.

    We never felt worried about that branch being robbed.

  • http://www.1truebeliever.wordpress.com wickle

    As I said the other day, you're wrecking my whole image of being a professional writer living in California. What's the point, if you're going to be up at 4am?

    I guess I'll just stick with my stupid warehousing job, then!

    Yeah, so, anyway … I was reading this, and the term "stream of consciousness" kept coming to mind. I wonder why that was?

    Back when I used to like my job, I worked at a Credit Union. One of the branches at which I worked was on the Portsmouth Naval Shipyard. The other half of our building was in the Controlled Industrial Area, which means that there was a gate directly outside our door, and in the gate house was a man with an M-16. Sometimes two men, presumably each with his own M-16 (they didn't look like the type of guys who would share). The base police station was visible outside our window. Presumably, there were many more men and M-16's in there. I never looked.

    We never felt worried about that branch being robbed.

  • http://suddenlyatheist.wordpress.com/ morsec0de

    Not to try and promote another author's book, but have you read "The Zombie Survival Guide" or "World War Z"? I think they'd be right up your alley, John! :) You should write your own zombie book!

  • http://suddenlyatheist.wordpress.com/ morsec0de

    Not to try and promote another author's book, but have you read "The Zombie Survival Guide" or "World War Z"? I think they'd be right up your alley, John! :) You should write your own zombie book!

  • Judy

    You've had a very colorful life, with living in the same building as a drug dealer and working at a frequently robbed 7-11. Your autobiography could be a compilations of short stories! Although, I guess your blog is kind of your autobiograph. Never mind. ;)

  • Judy

    You've had a very colorful life, with living in the same building as a drug dealer and working at a frequently robbed 7-11. Your autobiography could be a compilations of short stories! Although, I guess your blog is kind of your autobiograph. Never mind. ;)

  • http://skerrib.blogspot.com skerrib

    I just think it's fantastic that you hit the guy with dead-on accuracy. If I flung a hunk of wood at someone it would have about a 1 in 10 chance or so of hitting them hard enough and in the right spot (take your pick) to knock them over.

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    You know, Skerrib, It WAS a total Kung-Fu moment for me. And after I let the thing fly, I was TOTALLY aware of how, if it missed, it was going to shatter the glass of the front window and/or door. Yet I KNEW I was going to hit him. It was the ultimate Zen moment. I was, like, "Bean the man in the head, Grasshopper. Think not of his noggin, not of your bat. Head and bat are one."

    This other time, in the same store … oh, man. Never mind. You can imagine, though—given its Most Robbed status—how many … weird things happened there. And all the time, I was supposed to wear this little red paper HAT. Not.

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    You know, Skerrib, It WAS a total Kung-Fu moment for me. And after I let the thing fly, I was TOTALLY aware of how, if it missed, it was going to shatter the glass of the front window and/or door. Yet I KNEW I was going to hit him. It was the ultimate Zen moment. I was, like, "Bean the man in the head, Grasshopper. Think not of his noggin, not of your bat. Head and bat are one."

    This other time, in the same store … oh, man. Never mind. You can imagine, though—given its Most Robbed status—how many … weird things happened there. And all the time, I was supposed to wear this little red paper HAT. Not.

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Wickle: Nice story! Safe place!

    Morse: A zombie book! I like it! I'll call it, "Death, Be Not Proud." No. Wait. That's taken. Well. Something.

    Judy: Yes, my life used to be just one long experience of hanging around with drug-dealers and inept 7-11 burglers. And what fun for you to read about, I'm totally not sure at all. But thanks for saying it is!

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Wickle: Nice story! Safe place!

    Morse: A zombie book! I like it! I'll call it, "Death, Be Not Proud." No. Wait. That's taken. Well. Something.

    Judy: Yes, my life used to be just one long experience of hanging around with drug-dealers and inept 7-11 burglers. And what fun for you to read about, I'm totally not sure at all. But thanks for saying it is!

  • http://suddenlyatheist.wordpress.com/ morsec0de

    How about:

    "Death, Be Very Proud"

    "I Eat Brains, You Don't"

    "Zombies, Pain and the Whole Shebang"

    "Being UnDead: Exploring Where You, The Zombie Horde, and Brains Connect"

  • Latoya

    yay!!! I have finally read all your blogs!! Enjoyed reading almost all of them :)

    In case you dont go back and read comments on old posts, I'm a 23 yr old jamaican christian girl. Been married to the love of my life for the past almost six months and I loving this blog.

    I must say your life seems quite interesting (especially the younger years) and I look forward to posts to come.

    How do I put up a picture anyways?

  • Latoya

    yay!!! I have finally read all your blogs!! Enjoyed reading almost all of them :)

    In case you dont go back and read comments on old posts, I'm a 23 yr old jamaican christian girl. Been married to the love of my life for the past almost six months and I loving this blog.

    I must say your life seems quite interesting (especially the younger years) and I look forward to posts to come.

    How do I put up a picture anyways?

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Morse: Totally funny. Anyone else got any good Zombie book titles?

    Latoya: You read ALL my posts? Yikes. You are now the official president of my fan club. Oh, wait: I see where you enjoyed reading ALMOST all of them. Hmmm. You may not want that job, then. Well, we'll see. Oh, picture. I believe you have to register (it's free; it's easy) with WordPress before your picture than starts showing up with your comments. Is that right, anyone? I'm quite sure it is…

  • victoriouslatoya

    success!! :D

  • victoriouslatoya

    success!! :D

  • http://suddenlyatheist.wordpress.com/ morsec0de

    Someone needs to register a Suddenly Zombie blog…


CLOSE | X

HIDE | X