Tommorow’s My Birthday! I’m Still Not Dead!

My birthday’s tommorow. Why, I can remember being born just like it was 18,615 days ago. While my fellow newborns were lying all about me, mewing and scrinching up their little baby fists, I was busy scheming revenge on the clown in the surgical mask who, when apparently no one else was looking, got his sadistic jollies off by holding me upside down and spanking me.

Now it’s 51 years later, and that doctor’s probably dead now. So vengeance is mine!

No, but seriously. Before too very long, I’ll be dead. That’s what birthday’s are all about: reminding you that you’re on a schedule.

I can’t believe I’ve been alive 51 years. It seems like only 50, tops. They say the older you get, the faster time seems to go by. But that’s just because you start forgetting so much that half the time you’re, like, “What? It’s Friday already? What year is this?” Plus, thinking time’s gone by super fast gives you an excellent excuse for not getting stuff done. Just the other day I told my wife, “Honey, I’d like to have fixed our front door knob, but time’s just gone by so fast!” And she gave me that loving look that always tells me that, for her, time is going by at a rate that’s agonizing slow. But that’s her problem.

Tomorrow for my birthday Catherine (wife) is taking me to dinner and a play. I’m insanely excited about both, because: A. We haven’t eaten out in months and months because we have about zero money, and B. A play! I love plays! I wrote a play, chunks of which some of you may have read. So yay!

We’re going to see “Working,” a play based on the book by the same name, by Studs Terkel. I wish my mother had named me Studs. Anyway, Stud’s book—and now the play—is all about people who have jobs. I suspect this is my wife’s way of indicating I should get a job. Ha! It’s going to take a lot more than a rousing musical to rouse me off this couch.

Hey! Cat just called, to tell me she’s taking off the rest of the day today to spend it with me!

See, now that’s a great birthday present!

So now I should at least go brush my teeth.

And she thinks I don’t work.

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About John Shore

John Shore (who, fwiw, is straight) is the author of UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question, and three other great books. He is founder of Unfundamentalist Christians (on Facebook here), and executive editor of the Unfundamentalist Christians group blog.  (In total John's two blogs receive some 250,000 views per month.) John is also co-founder of The NALT Christians Project, which was written about by TIME,  The Washington Post, and others. His website is JohnShore.com. You're invited to like John's Facebook page. Don't forget to sign up for his mucho-awesome newsletter.

  • Leif Sr

    Still hilarious after all these years.

  • Latoya

    LOL. Did i tell you you're hilariou??? DWL. Happy birthday when it comes John!

  • Kim Stephens

    Happy Birthday John! And don't worry – 51 is cake (pun intended). The Bad Boy was 50, and clearly you've shown that year who's Boss. The best part of all is, you're still crazy after all these years (hmmmm, that would make a great song).

    Happy dinner and a play, and many more years ahead!

    Kim –

  • Judy

    This year looks good on you. Happy Birthday!

  • Lynn

    Don't read this until tomorrow John…HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

    I like your new "bad boy" profile pic. I know it puts some fear in me somewhere :)

  • http://megaloi.blogspot.com Redlefty

    Happy Birthday!

    And dude, it's America — you can legally change your name to Studs whenever you want.

    Signed,

    Blaze McKinley

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    You guys all rock like granite. Thank you so much for these very kind (and funny!) thoughts/words. My love to each of you.

  • Liz

    Happy Birthday John. Funny, for my B'day am going to watch a play too – with friends. Its called "Dare Kenyans to Love" by a hilarious guy called Churchill. Enjoy your play and dinner.

  • Colleen

    Hey John,

    Shout out to ya from sunny Florida! Hope you have an awesome year of health, love and (what else did that fortune cookie say last night…) oh yeah lot's of unexpected happy big stuff! Don't forget you could go to disney for free today…I did with much reluctance go 1/1 of this year. Turned out to be a great time. Well whatever you do, know that you are loved and admired by many.

    Thanks for being there. :)Hugs

    Colleen


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