My Sordid Affair With Fibber McGee

Friends, family members, people I don’t know all that well, my wife’s lawyer, members of the web press, Geraldo, and Tiger Woods back there hiding behind an issue of Clubbin’ magazine:

Recently, allegations have surfaced that for the last six months I have been having an extramarital affair with Fibber McGee, a waitress at Gutter Shots, the cocktail lounge inside the bowling alley where I bowl with my team, Balls of Fury.

I want to take this opportunity to say that none of the rumors that are about to surface about my relationship with Fibber McGee are true, with the slight exception of the parts that are. It is my desire to leave you a little bit fuzzy about which parts are which.

What is true—and what I candidly admitted once my wife and her lawyer provided photographic evidence—is that I met Fibber McGee six months ago. It was a night that would change my life and bank account forever.

What first impressed me about Fibber was the way she could shoot liquid out of the space where her front tooth used to be. Late one night, after a tough match between Balls of Fury and our arch league rivals, Balls of Fire—which I’m proud to say we won—my teammates and I were sitting around the scoring table, celebrating our victory by drinking, doing dares having to do with our lane’s warm air hand dryer, and trying on each other’s bowling shoes. It was on that fateful night, after Gutter Shots had closed, that Fibber McGee approached us.

“Well, ain’t you guys the nerd’s turds?” she said. Fibber right away bowled me over, as we in the game put it. I have always had a thing for cocktail waitresses, who are kind of like nurses, but with beer. But there was more to this woman than meets the eye right away. She proved this when, without waiting for a response from any of us, she grinned a big grin, and then shot out from where her front tooth used to be a stream of Mountain Dew that arched about ten feet through the air before hitting me squarely in the eye. She blinded me in more ways than one.

While it is true that I saw Fibber McGee after that night, it is not true that I helped her renovate her trailer home. I put a little duct tape around her windows, and that was it. There wasn’t much more you could do to that place. I also did not sit around with her in her trailer at night, acting out parts of her favorite book, Mein Kampf. I absolutely deny any and all allegations that I enjoy acting. I don’t. I would also like to go on record as being completely, one hundred percent against Adolph Hitler, who I now also believe did not autograph Fibber’s copy of his stupid, boring book. While I know that it is true that Fibber McGee belongs to the Aryan Nation, I swear that I myself always thought that Aryan was the name of a line of hair care products. I even once ordered a bottle of Aryan conditioner. When I opened the box, I knew that something was terribly wrong.

I am not trying to hide anything I’ve done that you already know about. I’ve let down my wife, my family, my friends, and every one of my Balls of Fury teammates, except Driller, who’s an idiot. I am now going to do everything in my power to make right what I’ve done wrong. To that end, let me say this to Fibber McGee, if she’s watching: Fibber, it’s over. I am no longer going to see you. I’m not going to re-tape your windows, oil your lawn furniture, or pay for the second half of your “White is Right” tattoo. You’ve had “ite is Rig” on your neck for some two years now, and it’s just gonna have to stay that way, until you find someone else to pay Mad Dog or Blinky. But that someone won’t be me.

And to my wife, if she’s out there listening: Please, honey, come back home. I miss you. I heard from Burpy that you bought yourself a gun. He said he saw you taking target practice and everything. I sure hope that’s not true, baby. But if it is, I want you to know that it’s perfectly okay with me if you don’t come home. I’ve seen you mad before. I don’t want the last thing that I ever see to be you mad and armed. I hope we can talk this out. Please come back without a weapon. If you return to me, I promise that I will never, in a million years, tell you one more fib.

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About John Shore

John Shore (who, fwiw, is straight) is the author of UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question, and three other great books. He is founder of Unfundamentalist Christians (on Facebook here), and executive editor of the Unfundamentalist Christians group blog.  (In total John's two blogs receive some 250,000 views per month.) John is also co-founder of The NALT Christians Project, which was written about by TIME,  The Washington Post, and others. His website is JohnShore.com. John is a pastor ordained by The Progressive Christian Alliance. You're invited to like John's Facebook page. And don't forget to sign up for his mucho awesome monthly newsletter.

  • Frank Frey

    Brother John,

    I implore you to repent of thy sins. Oh…how you have fallen into the clutches of this vile woman. This Jezebel would lead you down the path of destruction and perdition and getting ventilated with large caliber handgun bullets. But you have seen the light…Oh yes…you have seen the light.

    Now, if you'll be so good as to supply me with an introduction to this Scarlet Harlot, I would appreciate it. I feel I must save her from her wicked ways.

    Reverend Franko

    • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

      Always thinking of others, Frank. That's the sign of a true man of God.

  • http://www.myspace.com/whitenoisemetalpodcast Brian Shields

    I misunderstood. I thought you told me you had "assorted affairs"

    • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

      HA! You news guys, always with the funny.

  • Linda Chimienti

    This is one of those situations that cannot be rectified without spending some serious cash. Go ahead and pay for the tattoo to be completed but have it read “John Shore’s blog site is righteous” and throw in an incisor implant…to protect your eyesight when Fibber takes her first look at her new tat. And if you have any money left after that, throw it all in your wife’s direction. (I wonder, did she think this one was funny? I did, but now I’m prob’ly on her hit list too.)

    • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

      Hah! Very good! And I'll let you know what Cat thinks of this blog after she … doesn't kill me in my sleep tonight.

  • http://coopernicus.wordpress.com cooper

    Wasn't the original Fibber McGee a guy??? (Fibber McGee & Molly). Does this story, by any chance, take place in The Netherlands (where men are women, women are Bobby Riggs and a statue of Chris(tine) Jorgensen remains covered in pigeon dung)?

  • Tammy Lubbers
    • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

      You know, throughout my first draft of this piece, I had the girl named Molly "Fibber" McGee–but ended up thinking just "Fibber McGee" was funnier. But even as I hit the "publish" button, I wondered how many people had ever even heard of "Fibber McGee and Molly," and thought probably … not so many. But we'll see! I can't tell to what extent the piece is less funny if you've never heard that name. Thanks for the link!


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