Cold-Blooded Love

Yesterday I mentioned on my Facebook fan page the burgeoning romance my wife and I have been lately tracking between two lizards who seem to have decided that our front patio is their Garden of Cretin.

Above is a photo I snapped of one of our tongue-flicking paramours. It fails, of course, to convey the scale of this scaly wall-scaler. But a quick guess I made as I was running away screaming after the thing moved right toward me is that it measures about six feet long, and weighs around 120-150 pounds. I’m pretty sure that’s right.

It’s basically Godzilla without the bipedal posture.

Of the two lizards, I believe this one to be the male, because it seems pretty stupid. That’s not the only reason I think it’s the male–a guy myself, I’m hardly into male-bashing–but this reptilian Romeo seems, even by lizard standards, distinctly dense. He’s always looking for the female lizard. (She — assuming I’m right, and it is a female — has a shorter, wider head; nowhere near the happenin’ scale patterns of this sartorial scurrier; and a relatively short and absolutely patternless gray tail that’s clearly grown in replacement of her original tail, for which some bungler of a bird probably had to settle. The message her new tail seems to have arrived with is, “Why bother growing a pretty one, if you’re just going to keep losing them anyway?”)

When the dapper Eddie Lizard finally finds the female for whom he’s clearly been searching, he immediately, right in front of her, starts doing jerky little push-ups. He also seems to try to hypnotize her by weaving his head back and forth in a way that makes you think that if you got real close to him, you’d hear him saying, “Oh, no you di’int!” Finally, he sort of bends himself into weird shapes, as if he’s saying, “Check it out. Jazzy good looks and almost spineless. Talk about fun, right?”

And the whole time he’s doing all that, she just expressionlessly stares at him, like, “Great. Your arms work. You can move your head and wiggle. Yay for you. Should I leave and come back, or are you about done doing whatever it is you’re doing?” So then he finally stops being weird, and they stare at each other for a minute; and then she steps toward him—and I think it’s time to dim the porch lights, and pop inside to put on the stereo a little of that lounge music I know lizards dig—and then he leaves. He just gets this glazed, “What was I doing, again?” look on his face, and the next thing you know, he’s wandering away. At first he looks like he’s drifting off in spite of himself–like he doesn’t really want the interaction to stop, but somehow can’t control his slow turning and walking away—but then something catches his attention—an ant, a gnat, me yelling at him to go back—and then that becomes the new thing he’s into. He totally forgets her.

Until, that is, the next time he’s desperately trying to find her, so that he can show her how he’s learned to lick his eyeballs, or spin on his head, or whatever.

If he doesn’t catch a clue pretty soon, I might take mister laggin’ draggin into my house, sit him down, and talk to him. We’ll have drinks: me, a martini; him, a nice drop of pureed flies. Maybe share some barbecued cricket wings.

I don’t know exactly what I’ll say to him. But it’ll be something real, something heartfelt, something designed to motivate him to get back out there, find that girl, and stop with the bending and bobble-heading.

I don’t mind giving this lizard some advice. Guys are guys. We all have to help each other out. Otherwise, how do we evolve?

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About John Shore

John Shore (who, fwiw, is straight) is the author of UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question, and three other great books. He is founder of Unfundamentalist Christians (on Facebook here), and executive editor of the Unfundamentalist Christians group blog.  (In total John's two blogs receive some 250,000 views per month.) John is also co-founder of The NALT Christians Project, which was written about by TIME,  The Washington Post, and others. His website is JohnShore.com. John is a pastor ordained by The Progressive Christian Alliance. You're invited to like John's Facebook page. And don't forget to sign up for his mucho awesome monthly newsletter.

  • http://tramirezphotography.com Tri

    awesome!

  • http://skerrib.blogspot.com skerrib

    Perhaps some Barry White to enhance the mood for them?

    • http://www.testazyk.com Thomas Stazyk

      I'm thinking Captain and Tennile?

  • http://www.myspace.com/whitenoisemetalpodcast Brian Shields

    Who needs the Discovery Channel when you have the Wild Wild Wild Wild World of John Shore’s Patio?

  • http://www.testazyk.com Thomas Stazyk

    But John–think about it. If you have your chat with the dude and he gets his act together your patio could end up being a lizard day care center. And then they’ll grow up and you’ll have teenage mini Godzillas hanging around. Do you want that?

  • Tammy Lubbers

    I think I dated him.

    • Jill

      8th Grade or before doesn't count.

  • Latoya

    I found this sooo hilarious!!!

  • http://shadsie.deviantart.com/ Shadsie

    I grew up in southern Arizona – smack dab in the Sonoran Desert. Lizard up there looks like it’s one of the ones I used to try to catch as a child – and my cats would catch and eat.


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