The Cowardly Lion on Drugs; Crossdressing Roman Soldiers; Me Showering on TV

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Ah, Friday. It’s like a regular day, except completely better.

Friday is the foreplay of days. That’s really what it is. Friday is foreplay; Saturday is sex; Sunday is … well, I was going to say “guilt,” but I can tell from here that road is nothing but potholes.

Speaking of Latin, I believe the etymological suffix fri is Latin for “fried.”

Boy, those Latin-speaking Romans of yore really knew how to name a day, didn’t they? “Wednesday” also proves they couldn’t spell worth a [bad word], but that’s cool. They were busy conquering the world. With soldiers who wore skirts. And no matter how menacing your sword and shield look, it’s tough to strike fear in the heart of your enemy when you show up on the battle field wearing a sparkly short skirt, a pair of kicky sandals, and a short cape thrown jauntily over your shoulder. So the Romans had their hands full, for sure.

Then again, we all saw Braveheart. Remember Mel Gibson’s mane of matted dreadlocks, and his blue-painted face? He looked like the Cowardly Lion on drugs. And he still won his valiant fight against those cruelly oppressing forces who sought to make him get a haircut and stop painting his face blue. So one never knows.

Now, of course, Mel looks like a scary next door neighbor you’d make your kids swear to never talk to.

Speaking of talking, later today I’m going to be on the radio. John Hall and Kathy Emmons are having me back on their show to discuss the experience I wrote about in I, a Rabid Anti-Christian, Very Suddenly Convert. Can you believe it? They must not have listened to their show the first time I was on it.

A radio interview is such a bizarre way to communicate. I’m totally comfortable in front of a group, no matter how large. I like speaking in public, very much. I’m relaxed; I know what I’m doing; I dig it. But radio is so weird, because in your head phone conversations are really intimate and personal. So when I’m on the phone talking to the radio people, I keep thinking that I’m just on the phone talking to them—and then, all of a sudden, I remember that eighteen zillion people are listening in on our private little chat. And then for a moment my brain goes schitzoid.

And you can hear it: all of a sudden I just stop talking. Or I do the “um’s” and “er’s.” Or my voice’ll get real high.

It’s like I’m in the shower, washing away, and then look to my left and see a bank of TV cameras with glowing red lights pointed right at me.

But, whatever. John and Kathy are soooo nice. That really helps.

I’m excited! They’ve put me in their prime slot. I’ll be on at 5:10 EST. Which is … um … what … 2:10 our time (PST).

So, be there, or be somewhere else. Or be me, and be both.

Wish me luck!


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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • DR

    This is so odd. I just updated my Facebook status to read, "I want to make out with Friday". And I do.

    Weird wonder twins, unite. Form of – an uncomfortable approach to the weekend.

  • DR

    And you are going to be fantastic. 🙂

  • Diana A.

    Have fun John, and the rest will fall into place. You're going to do great!

  • Gina Powers

    Yeah, I wanna make out with Friday, too….and Saturday BETTER be sex…dammit. Wait, did I say that out loud? Anyway……look, John; as a PROFESSIONAL broadcaster who has had enough of her own days of mic fright, let me reassure you that all will be well….and only two people will be listening to ya. 😉 Nothing personal, but people have the attention span of gnats. Seriously, relax and make like you're on the phone with two buds, and don't even consider who, if anybody, is listening. Hey, if you're comfortable with speaking in front of live bodies–you'll get this, no problem. Have fun!

  • Elizabeth

    Not to contradict you as you prepare to become a media darling, but if the show broadcasts from Pittsburgh, they are on Eastern Standard Time, like me in New York. Since California is four hours behind us, that makes your interview 1:10 PM your time.

    When I listened to your last broadcast, I was impressed by how grounded and cerebral you sounded without losing any of your humor and warmth. It did not remind me at all of your hyperactive, mirror-ball sparkly persona from the video with the dog, which you know I lo-o-ove with my whole heart as well.

    I'm off to retweet and Facebook update on how I want to get to third base with Friday. I never miss an opportunity to make Christian and heathen alike feel uncomfortable through inappropriate anthropomorphism. Break a leg.

  • Matthew Tweedell

    Wish you luck? Luck won't help you on Friday the 13th. Your luck will be only bad. I think what you need are blessings, not luck — the supernatural, not the superstitial! Is this the part where I'm supposed to pray for you? 'Cause I don't really like praying if I don't have to. It always just turns into a rambling monologue. Kind of like my blog comments. Also, not unlike this blog post of yours. Hopefully, you'll get it together when you have to go on air today. Hope… now there's a real superpower. It's not "luckily", not "blessedly", but just "hopefully". No superstitions, no gift-lists for God, just plain old hope–no blind faith, but the gravy on a real flesh-and-bones faith-steak. Now, something's missing from this dish…. Don't tell me we’ve all gotta love you too in order for this to really help!? 'Cause love is hard, man. It's a lot easier if we all just did our own thing and forgot that everyone else existed. But that sounds lonely. I know… how about we love some people, and leave others to fend for themselves. Yeah, I bet we'd build a real good Stone-Age civilization like that… Nah… Stone-Age is hard too. I know: how about we just nuke the world so we all die and don't have to suffer the hard stuff in life anymore?! Well, if I'm about to die, I might as well go out and live it up first. Wait… I need to interact with other people to do that. Ugh!!! Fine, I guess I'd better just love everyone.

  • Elizabeth

    PS: I never saw Braveheart, despite being of Scots heritage. That guy always creeped me out.

  • DR

    Matthew –

    Might I suggest a break from the Internet?

  • denver

    Here is How Braveheart Should Have Ended:

    XD I just had to share.

  • Diana A.

    That was cute! Thanks!

  • Oh, I get it. I thought you were saying it's better to be horny than just nervous. But … no, you weren't. Whew. Because that would have been wrong.

  • Ah. Thank you.

  • Thanks, blog-comment-rocker extraordinaire Diana A!

  • This is awesome. I love it.

  • You're one of the smarter people in the universe, Elizabeth. But I'm sure hoping you've here failed to tell time correctly … (And thank you!!)

  • So what's the deal? Instead of water in your bong, do you use beer? Gin? Absinthe? C'mon, MT. Spill it. I mean, tell us.

  • This has got to be one of the best blog replies i've read in a long time! LOL

  • Freda

    Actually, Friday was named after the Nordic goddess Freya, who is the same entity that my name is derived from. And "Wednesday" is also Nordic (Wodensday – named for Woden or Oden).

    Another fantabulouso post, and break a leg! (But not the way Mel wishes that Oksana would break one…)

  • JulieD

    Could Sunday be afterglow cuddling?

  • A'isha

    OMG That is hilarious! Literally, I'm laughing like a maniac while looking around to make sure no one is watching and realizing I'm alone. Whew! What a relief!

  • A'isha

    Yup, only a 3 hour difference in time.

  • Susan Golian

    Actually, horny is probably better than nervous – at least when you're on the radio. On TV, perhaps not so much.

  • Susan Golian


  • Tim

    This is Friday the 13th, so if there is any foreplay, Jason Voorhees will split you and your partner down the middle with an axe before you can say, "Let's rent a boat and go out on Crystal Lake!".

  • DR

    I also endorse Diana as Queen of this Blog. And of course, Cat being queen of your home. Maybe even your city.

  • DR

    After I make out with Friday, I'm going to make out with this comment. I think that kind of makes me a whore, though I am Catholic so many of our Fundamentalist friends already believe me to be the Whore of Babylon anyway.


  • DR

    That was a joke, by the way. I should have clarified.

  • DR

    "Of course I'm going to call!"

    — Sunday night blues dreading Monday

  • Tim

    Oh, I almost forgot. Who would disagree that Mel Gibson has made a bloomin' mess of his life. I think he regrets leaving the mother of his children and doing things that Jesus would probably just shake his bowed head in disappointment. Mel is maybe a little like how I figure Judas Iscariot was after he tried to return the 40 pieces of silver.

    It's a shame when somebody's life melts down like Mel's. I guess it's just hard to have too much sympathy for a guy that just seems so full of anger and hate. Or maybe familiarity breeds contempt. I've been there. If not out loud, in the silence of a tortured mind.

    I don't know why I just posted all of that, but I guess it's worth saying.

  • DR
  • Diana A.

    Now I'm really embarrassed. Pleasantly so, but still….

  • Good luck, and when you get nervous, just imagine all the audience in their underwear…no…wait. That may prompt a fit of the giggles. Underwear can be a rather humorous topic to think about.

    So, just a simple Good luck!

  • berkshire

    I made out with Friday once.

    Yeah, I’m not proud of it, but there it was, all shiny and full of promise, sayin’ “Yeah, baby, you look tense. Lemme rub your shoulders [and ease you into Saturday, no doubt. Friday is only interested in one thing, I can assure you].” And Friday smelled so nice–not like Wednesday or Thursday at all.

    And sure enough, some time passed, I started to not recognize my dear Friday. By Sunday, I’m like “You’ve changed. I don’t know you anymore”, and by Monday, well . . . . it’s Monday. It’s over.

    Once, when President’s Day was coming, I did do some backsliding, I admit. Three day weekend was coming, so Friday was making an extra effort to look good . . . and Friday did look goooooood. Better than ever, really. But you know. . . . then came Tuesday. It’s always the same. [sigh] When will I learn.

    Friday was not a very good kisser, either. Needed a towel to wipe my face afterward.


    Anyway . . . John, don’t sweat it. Everyone listening has stupider things than you. You can use the above paragraph as evidence if you like.

  • berkshire

    That should read “has *said* stupider things”. So, you can use this paragraph, as well, I suppose.

  • erika

    weird comment that may or may not have to do anything with your post, Matt.

    i once went to a church, that called potlucks "pot-FAITHS"

  • Andi

    If I can co-host a radio show once a week, you can talk… problem. 🙂 🙂 Congratulations. 😉

  • I'm sorry; I think I missed something. You co-host a radio show?

  • denver

    Sunday lights up a cigarette and takes a nap? XD

  • Sunday is apparently a man.

  • Matthew Tweedell

    pot-faiths… like Rastafari?

  • Matthew Tweedell

    I know 🙂

    By the way, DR, I've been meaning to express my deep agreement with some your recent comments, but I haven't gotten the chance to actually go back through all the commentary to do that; so I'll just say it now that I'm with you in spirit, even if not always (or sometimes seemingly against you) in word.

  • A’isha

    🙂 Sunday says to you “oh baby, that was wonderful, I love you so much.”

  • erika

    ha! i wish.

  • erika

    oh! and once the same church, i brought no lie, deviled eggs and they called them angel-ed eggs cuz ya know, if you gunna fall, it will be because you ate deviled eggs.

  • Melissa

    LOL – Just read your post on Word – FM. It's not necessary to tell them how witty and charming you are, you know. You are shameless….I love it!

  • DR

    Tim, you are a lovely man.


    The Internet.

  • Diana A.

    And I bet you weren't allowed to say "Hello" to each other because the word contains the word "Hell" in it. Correct?

  • Joel

    Most scholars say that "Friday" is named in honor of Frijjō, the Germanic equivalent of the Roman Venus – Goddess of love. Frijjō and Freya have been linked as possibly having the same origin, but that has been disputed by some mythologists.

    Either way it seems to fit into John's cosmology. 🙂

  • Tim

    Ah shucks…thanks. That's the nicest thing the Internet has ever said to me!