Worst Trucking Slogan EVER

Yesterday my wife Cat and I were driving on the freeway, when she said, “The slogan of the truck we just passed is “Always Late.’”

“Take a picture!” I said. “Take a picture!”

Being a Superior Human Being Who Always Gets It, Cat immediately started scrounging around in my bag for the camera I keep on me for those occasions when life insists I make fun of it.

“Got it!” she said, triumphantly holding aloft my Kodak Cynico-Matic.

I adroitly maneuvered alongside Mr. Party Tardy; Cat leaned over my lap to get the picture; I tried not to cry as she used my crotch to steady her elbow—and voila: the picture above.

So what’s the deal with the slogan, “Always Late”? Does the driver of this truck also have that slogan on his business cards? Is his big sales pitch, “You can count on me to be late! If I’m supposed to be there by Tuesday noon, you can bet I’ll be there sometime Wednesday! If then! Now where’s that meat you want hauled?”

And what’s with the Evil Death motif? The truck and trailer—-both painted Ominous Purple—-were festooned with skulls and crossbones. It was like a truck driven by the son of Cap’n Jack, Thrasher Sparrow.

Or maybe the truck driver is the ultimate fan of the band Death Cab for Cutie?

Maybe the skulls aren’t meant to be scary. Maybe they’re supposed to show what this trucker’s customers look like by the time their delivery finally arrives. That actually makes sense, because I could not drive slow enough to stay next to this truck—-and I drive a Ford Focus. When we first pulled up alongside the truck, we had just started up a long, slight incline on the freeway. By the time Cat grabbed my camera, Mr. Purple Wane was so far behind us that it was like he was driving in reverse. I basically had to park on the freeway and wait for him to catch up.

No wonder he’s always so late. He won’t go.

I used to be a warehouse-working Teamster: I loaded and unloaded trucks twelve hours a day. I knew a bunch of truck drivers. They were good guys. They took speed to help keep them awake: out of shape, gray-haired, big-rig drivin’ pill poppers, is what they were. I couldn’t help but wonder if whomever was driving this truck was the son or daughter of one of those guys. Maybe. Anything’s possible. Apparently.

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About John Shore

John Shore (who, fwiw, is straight) is the author of UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question, and three other great books. He is founder of Unfundamentalist Christians (on Facebook here), and executive editor of the Unfundamentalist Christians group blog.  (In total John's two blogs receive some 250,000 views per month.) John is also co-founder of The NALT Christians Project, which was written about by TIME,  The Washington Post, and others. His website is JohnShore.com. John is a pastor ordained by The Progressive Christian Alliance. You're invited to like John's Facebook page. And don't forget to sign up for his mucho awesome monthly newsletter.

  • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

    John! I love this! I'd love to meet your wife!

  • Marie

    Hahahahaa! "…for the camera I keep on me for those occasions when life insists I make fun of it."

  • Scott Spencer-Wolff

    Deep and existentially meaningful. Perhaps the "I" represents the greater awareness of the essential trucker-self, which then shows up only after participating in various activities…for example, getting drunk, then the "i" shows up, (after the fact, or "late") recognizes that this behavior isn't wise, especially as a trucker, has an "ah ha" moment and moves on.

    Or – perhaps the guy is always late. Be honest. That works too!

  • DR

    Again with the "crotch".

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

      I just don't feel right about a post until I've worked into it somewhere, somehow, the word "crotch." I don't know what that is…

      • DR

        LIke "gonads"? Aww, I'm feeling all nostalgic now.

        • Ace

          I prefer "the naughty bits" myself. ;)

          • Mindy

            I'm with you, Ace. Not fond of crotch. Altho' it is also a word I use, when required; I just don't like the way it looks in writing. Weird. Crotch is perfectly fine verbally, not so much in written form. And I love "naughty bits" in writing, but I'm not sure I could say it out loud in conversation. I just said it out loud and embarrassed myself, and I'm home alone.

            In a barely tangential aside, I used to know someone who called it her "crouch." And this was not a child. And because I'm old now, I can't remember who it was, even though it made me laugh every time.

          • denver

            Depending on circumstance, I call it: hoo hoo, nether regions, down South, where the sun don't shine, or the front door (as opposed to the back door). I call it a vagina when I'm being medical (I do work in health care). ;) I'm not a fan of "crotch" as a word, either. For some reason the association in my mind is a commercial on television about jock itch. XP

            I do have a great story about the various names, though. One of my teachers years ago in medical assisting school said that she hated all the weird names and liked clinical terms, so when she raised her kids, she didn't mince words and said penis and vagina. When she was potty training one of her sons, the son asked why he got to go to the bathroom with daddy but not with mommy. She said because daddy has a penis and so do you, but mommy has a vagina. So he asked to see her vagina, and she said no. Every now and again he would ask to see it, only he couldn't pronounce the word "vagina"; instead it came out sounding like "China". So one night they are at the dinner table with relatives over, and he asks, "Mommy, can I see your China?" Without missing a beat, she says, "No, honey, they're family, we can use the regular dishes." …and walks out of the room.

            Probably confused that kid for a good few years, there. XD

          • Ace

            (P.S. It's a Monty Python's Flying Circus reference, sorry :P)

          • Erin

            What about the simple, yet so satisfying, “junk?”

  • Christie

    oh yeah… here's my comment:

    Yeah, that's pretty much the worst trucking slogan ever. LOL

  • Tim

    Maybe this trucker saw the Seinfeld episode where George did the exact opposite of what his instincts told him to do. He approaches a beautiful blond woman at Monks and says, "My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents."

    Sometimes the unabashed truth can be disarming and refreshing.

  • http://megaloi.blogspot.com Redlefty

    Purple cab? "Always late"?

    Probably driven by a female who gets pregnant a lot.

  • Richard Lubbers

    John, who needs a tripod when you're around? The image of her delicate elbow nestling into the soft place in your lap is too much!

    We had a trucker that used to deliver our buildings nationwide. The side of his cab said "Stabbin Cabin". Now there's an enticement for anyone who hangs around truck stops looking for action!

    Actually, "Always Late" with twin Jolly Rogers says to me, "I'm a man. I live by my own rules." Caring enough about delivering on time, to this driver, is too much vulnerability. It's the essence of our individual and collective rebellion, which is why God became one of us.

  • Robert

    It’s not the trucker who’s always late. He’s referring to the Death skulls. I imagine that he pulls a lot of all-nighters as a trucker, and just misses getting into some pretty hairy accidents. Yet, he’s still alive and makes it, because Death is always just a little late.

    For his sake, let’s hope he stays that way.

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

      OH!! Yes. Very nicely done, Robert.

      • Robert

        On an unrelated note, I totally want Ominous Purple to be the name of my next heavy metal band.

        • Petra

          Ominous Purple. Great band name. I love it when I have the chance to throw the word ominous into a conversation.


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