Now How Do We Return to Life?

It’s not that I don’t like everyday life. It’s that I love Christmas. And everyday life is unto Christmas what Wheetabix is unto Lucky Charms.

Yes, Wheetabix is good for you, and Lucky Charms is so sweet it actually shrinks your lips before turning your phlegm into a sugary milkshake so thick it almost chokes you. But so what? If you were on a ship going down, and you had to grab one box of cereal to take with you on the lifeboat, what box would you grab?

Well, of course: you’d grab a box of Life cereal. But that’s because you’re a genius. Most of the other losers would glom onto a box of Lucky Charms. And why? Because people have a weird need to believe in leprechauns. Even though, as everyone knows, leprechauns swim like fish fly. But no one cares. In a time of crisis, you instinctively lurch for the knock-kneed midget in the pilgrim hat. It’s always been that way; it always will be.

Speaking of swimming lizards, this week my wife Cat and I saw a lizard exhibition at the San Diego Natural History of Confusing You About Life museum. We were watching this one green, thin, long lizard: the Brazilian snoot nose, or something. It had huge feet. Anyway, as it was ignorantly creeping its way around, the thing fell into the water on the bottom of its terrarium.

As it splurshed into the water, the first thing I thought, of course, was, “I want my money back. I didn’t pay to see a museum display drown.” But then, right before my amazed eyes, the lizard collapsed its back feet flat against its body, and started moving through the water with Flipper-life efficiency.

And that’s when I learned one of the most important lessons of my entire life: As a species, humans don’t stand a chance.

Who would you bet on: a creature who lives on land who, when dropped in water, thrashes about for maybe a half hour before going down like a sack of soaked potatoes—or a land-dwelling creature who, when dropped in water, instantly transforms into a fish?

We’re so screwed. Lizards were here for millions of years before we got all excited about our thumbs, and they’ll be here millions of years after we’ve asphyxiated ourselves off the planet.

Hey, Cat just called me upstairs. She’s awake from her nap! And, like a drowning leprechaun with gills, I’m hanging onto every last moment of our holiday together. Catch youse laters, alligators.

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Chewa_11

    But have lizards ever taken over the world? The Matrix got it right. Us humans are like viruses.

  • Anonymous

    Since we’re not fit to survive long, we should probably just enjoy the moment. I’m pretty sure the lizards, cockroaches and tarantulas that live under my trailer house will still all be around when we’re gone. Across the river they are using assault rifles and RPGs to be sure we get our dope in a timely manner. How survival oriented is that?

  • Anonymous

    Taken over the world? Just an illusion. Worms are still highest on the food chain.

  • Dennis Dawson

    My dear John,
    Have you ever had a thought that you left unblogged?

    And the answer is, with difficulty. However, Christmas isn’t over until I spend my gift cards. I don’t draw it out. I’ll probably spend them tomorrow.

    But then again, Christmas isn’t really over until we take down the tree. Last year, we left it in the living room until the third week of January. Still green, but the carpet was becoming so, as well. So we took it to the back yard. The special Christmas tree pick up window of opportunity was over, so I would have to saw it into pieces and put it in the yard waste can. Christmas lasted almost till Hallowe’en, 2010, if you want to look at it that way.

    But the most important thing is to carry Christmas with us every day. Since I’m morbidly obese, almost totally white-haired, and too lazy to shave, it’s Christmas every time I look in a mirror. Check Facebook for a picture and hilarious anecdote about how my new duds were acquired.


  • I’d grab Frosted Mini Wheats. They’re my favorite. A little savory/healthy, a little sweet… perfect.

    I had an uncle who admired ungulates because a horse, a cow, a wildebeest… can be born, drop outta mom, stagger for all of five minutes, then be ready to run when it takes a human child how long to learn to walk? As for me, after I eat my lunch here, I’m planning on bundling up and seeing if I can make a snowman out of some of the Great White Disaster that hit my area. If I didn’t bundle up, I’d be in trouble, for I am not a wolf, a penguin or a polar bear.

    I’m pretty sure, whoever, that domestic cats have already taken over the world. We’re they’re slaves. Theyv’e tricked us into providing food at just the right time, in providing laps and hands for petting, and giving them our warm houses and cuddly blankets. They’ve got us trained to respond to their cuteness. If you have a cat, think about it – who is the dominant species in your home?