When Leprechauns Attack!

Yesterday I wrote St. Patrick: The Most Famous Stoned Druid of All. And then today, taped to my computer, scribbled with green ink in letters so small I practically went blind reading them, I found this!:

Dear Mr. Shore:

Ho, ho, ho

Hee hee hee

With a kick of my heel

I could shatter your knee.

I’m not likely to do it;

Our type’s not that mean

Though it would bring us great pleasure

To hear how you’d scream.

That last post you wrote

Making fun of St. Patty

Made us want to ask you

“Now who’s your daddy?”

You thought it was fun

To make light of our hero

How do you sleep,

You absolute zero?

But we are nice folk,

forgiving and kind,

So we’ll let this one go;

We’ll leave it behind.

But please heed my words:

If you do that once more

You’ll find that your shoes

Have been nailed to the floor.

Your bleach will tip over,

Your socks disappear

And the gas in your car

Will turn into green beer.

We’ll pull up your flowers

Dishevel your yard

You’ll find your wood flooring

all terribly marred.

Your food will taste funny,

Your faucets will leak

We’ll kill all your houseplants

Your carpets will reek.

Your computer will fail you,

Your DVD’s scratched!

Your CD’s are ruined!

Your wallet’s been snatched.

You’ll find dirt in your oatmeal;

You’ll trip when you jog;

We’ll leave you no doubt

As to who shaved your dog.

If you’d like to avoid this

And sidestep the strife

Just write something decent

For once in your life.


This piece is  included in HA!, a full-sized collection of five years worth of my best humor. If you are a Kindle owner and a member of Amazon Prime, you can borrow HA! for free, with no due dates. (If you don’t own a Kindle, here’s where to get one. To learn more about Amazon Prime—and to get a one-month free trial—go here. )

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • A’isha

    Those pesky leprechauns! Sorry you had to get such a nasty letter, but maybe you better listen to them. Do it for the dog, man!

  • Denine

    John, I love your stuff, but as my husband would say…”you just ain’t right.” LOL Happy St. Pat’s Day!

  • Green beer?

    Drink it!

  • Mindy

    If I’d been drinking green beer, I’d have spit it at the screen, A’isha – “Do if the dog, man!!”

    tee hee . . . .

  • cat rennolds

    Having thoughtlessly ventured into a tourist trap one St. Patrick’s day, I was offered green funnel cake. “I don’t know,” I said, “when food turns that color at my house, we throw it out.”

  • Andrew Raymond

    Gee. It’s amazing how much a ticked-off leprechaun sounds like a ticked-off fundie, isn’t it?

  • Nathan Stehle via Facebook

    This is what happens when someone drinks a bad beer.

  • Cynthia Anne Womack

    Everything you write is great-but you might set out a saucer of milk (or a wee dram o’ the craithur).

  • Diana A.

    I’d definitely go with the “wee dram o’ the carithur.”

  • Will

    As I’m reading the words I’m hearing them in James Taylor’s voice & musical style!

  • half way thru you start to think they are real

  • eric

    Considering the cost of beer, the gas is cheaper… so I’m with Shadsie… buy beer, piss off a leprachaun, and drink the result!

  • LSS

    For some reason i’m thinking of the song in the Hobbit, where the dwarves sing about how they are going to trash his house cos “that’s what Bilbo Baggins hates”

  • LOL

  • Heheheheh!!! Most ethnic groups have their own version of leprechauns and they seem to have that quality of helping if you leave them snacks and playing tricks if you don’t. Koreans call them ”tokebi.”

  • Janie Rager via Facebook