How To Win Every Argument With Your Wife

Husbands: As you know, arguing is a humologargantuamegamondo part of being married.

The main thing to bear in mind about an argument with your wife is that you never, ever want to lose one. Losing an argument makes you look stupid.

Besides, would you ever even get into any argument with your wife if you didn’t know, going in, that were 100% right about whatever it was you were arguing about? Of course you wouldn’t. You’re not stupid.

Remember: In an argument with your wife, you are right about the subject at hand. Don’t let your wife’s feminine wiles or disturbingly keen grasp of analytical logic distract you from this all-important fact.

You are right, you are right, you are right. All you have to do now is get her to acknowledge it. Here are three great ways to move her toward that excellent goal:

1. Don’t talk. Never forget that silence is golden. If you’re in an argument with your wife, it’s unlikely that your case will be strengthened by you talking. If you clam up by reading or watching TV, chances are that your wife will eventually scream herself hoarse, and then give up the fight altogether. Score! Never forget that in a genuine argument a tie is as good as a win. Remember: one of the best strategies for proving victorious in an argument is to never really engage in that argument at all.

2. Change the subject. Oftentimes in an argument the wife will stubbornly insist on sticking to the subject. Don’t let this dastardly strategy distract you from one of your key objectives in any argument with your wife, which is to as often and subtly as possible change the subject. As the darting fish avoiding the shark must be at one with the confusingly sparkling water, so you must learn to become the moving target that the arrow of your wife’s reasoning can never quite reach or pierce.

As an example of how this strategy works, let us see what happens when Gary employs it during what might otherwise have become a sticky fight with his wife, Mary;

Mary: Gary, did you pick up the dry cleaning on your way home from work?

Gary: I wonder why they call it dry cleaning? Do they really not use water?

Mary: You forgot to pick up the dry cleaning, didn’t you?

Gary: I’m sorry. I didn’t.

Mary: Didn’t what?

Gary: Didn’t what you said.

Mary: What are you talking about?

Gary: What are you talking about?

Mary: The dry cleaning. I’m asking you if you picked up the dry cleaning on your way home from work.

Gary: I’m sorry. I did. But I forgot.

Mary: What?

Gary: I didn’t. Was I supposed to?

Mary: What are you talking about? Yes, you were supposed to pick up the dry cleaning. We talked about it on the phone right before you left the office! You were supposed to bring home the dress I was going to wear tonight!

Gary: That blue one, with the sleeves?

Mary: No. The red one. The strapless one. The really nice one?

Gary: Oh, is that one red? I like that. You look good in that. I like that fabric. You have another strapless dress in that blue sort of fabric, don’t you?

Mary: What blue fabric? No. I only have one strapless dress. The red one!

Gary: That’s not the only dress you have. Is that the only dress you have? You need to get some new dresses.

Mary: I have enough dresses. I just don’t have the one I was going to wear right now, because, as usual, you didn’t think it was important enough to remember …

Gary: Are you hungry?

And then Mary and Gary had sex.

See? Argument averted. And why? Because Gary stood firm in his resolution to never stay in one place for more than a second. Let that be a lesson to you.

3. Be conciliatory in a harsh tone. Women are extremely sensitive to tone. If in a harsh, argumentative tone you say things that are in fact conciliatory, you can oftentimes confuse your wife into not being sure whether she’s winning or losing the argument. This can create a situation in which you can force the draw, or even go for the win. An arguing technique that can help turn the tide in any fight is to first say something conciliatory in a harsh tone, and to then respond to her questioning what exactly you meant with the classic, “Oh, great. So now what I actually say doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters now is how I say it, right? Words have no meaning anymore. Great. Now we’re in Crazytown.” See how that works? First you concede just enough to let her think she’s won something–and then you immediately regain the upper hand by accusing her of being too emotional to recognize when you’ve attempted a compromise. Perfect! You’ll be back to having sex before you know it!

I could go on, but why? Using one or all of these strategic engagement techniques should be enough for you to win any argument with your wife. They’ve always worked for me, anyway.

Okay, fine. They’ve never worked for me. Ever. Not once. But I’m not going to let that stop me from continuing to use them in every fight I ever have with my wife. And I hope that you, my fellow men, will also never stop employing these venerable husband-arguing techniques, which I am sure you join me in feeling confident must one day, finally, if only one single stupid time EVER, prevail.

About John Shore

John Shore (who, fwiw, is straight) is the author of UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question, and three other great books. He is founder of Unfundamentalist Christians (on Facebook here), and executive editor of the Unfundamentalist Christians group blog.  (In total John's two blogs receive some 250,000 views per month.) John is also co-founder of The NALT Christians Project, which was written about by TIME,  The Washington Post, and others. His website is JohnShore.com. You're invited to like John's Facebook page. Don't forget to sign up for his mucho-awesome newsletter. If you shop at Amazon, help support John by entering the site through this link right here--Amazon will then send John 3-4% of the cost of anything you buy before exiting the site again.

 

  • Kristi

    New title: How To Get Your Wife to Violently Brain You with a Heavy Object. :D

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

      (I wish there was a way to actually run an alternative title: that would be an awesome one.)

  • Mary Wisner Miller via Facebook

    I laughed so hard that I started choking.

  • Sally Price

    And that part about having sex? Never gonna happen.

  • http://www.facebook.com/sspencerwolff Scott Spencer-Wolff via Facebook

    Perfect advice…

  • shadowspring

    I wish I could laugh at this.

    • Line Merrette Vincent

      After 19 years of this treatment, I asked for divorce.

      To me (sorry if I am a killjoy), this is not funny at all.

      • Jennifer Edwards

        Ditto!

        • Elsa

          Yup, same here, and I got someone ripping my face off when I said so (see comments above). I’m glad to see allies here.

          • DR

            I didn’t “rip your face off”. You chose to get offended by this when the author has proven how much he helps women who are abused which you are selectively ignoring. You are not being victimized here.

  • http://www.facebook.com/douglas.sewell Doug Sewell via Facebook

    Sounds like passive-aggressive behavior … I’m pretty good at that!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/John-Rutledge/1199548950 John Rutledge via Facebook

    Thanks for the laugh this morning. I just bought your Ha Kindle book and one other. I have 3 of your’s to read now.

  • http://www.facebook.com/nwbuckeye Pat Hux via Facebook

    I can see why it never worked……way to complicated. Only a woman could get all those points right…;P

  • Marcelo

    I simply cannot argue with this. And I’m not even married to you. Brilliant.

  • Jubile Man

    John, as usual, your tongue in cheek perspective shows us how futile it is to argue with a creature of superior intelligence. I freely share the secret to my wildly satisfiying and enjoyable marriage: It is better to be Happy than to be Right. Happy New Year!

  • Elizabeth Quinn via Facebook

    There’s a Southern saying, ‘If mama’s happy, everyone’s happy’ and then there won’t be any arguments. See, easy :-)

    • Gary

      Or as the very funny Christian comedian Jeff Allen is fond of saying…

      “Happy Wife, Happy Life”

  • Gary

    Did you have a hidden microphone in my house or something? Damn that sounds familiar…LOL.

  • Brian W

    What has worked for me…”Honey you’re right, I’m wrong”…..then we have sex, works every time

    • Dr

      This is so good.

  • mike moore

    Maybe this doesn’t work with women, but in my household we’re fond of No-Fault Liar’s Poker, aka, I-know-I’m-wrong, but-I’m-in-a-bad-mood-and-don’t-want-admit-I-wrong.

    To begin: I Bluff, See your complaint, and Raise you one Accusation.

    Me, who completely forgot about dry cleaning: “No, I intentionally did not pick up the dry cleaning, hoping that you will wear that super cute shirt I bought you for your birthday that still has the tags on it.”

    Him: “uhhhhh, I’ve been saving that shirt for a special occasion, which reminds me … are you planning on wearing that gorgeous tie my Mom bought you for Christmas?”

    Me: “I’d love to, of course, but it doesn’t go well with my good blue suit, which I’d planned on wearing …. ”

    Him, aka The Call: “That’s OK, your good blue suit is at the dry cleaners.”

    (I didn’t say I was a good poker player.)

    • Diana A.

      Too funny!

  • http://skippingtothepiccolo.com David W. Shelton

    I better stock up on my John Shore books.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Gene-Linnell/1769701044 Gene Linnell via Facebook

    Since John is still alive, I would say his wife would be a strong nominee for the Nobel Peace Prize.

  • Allie
  • http://www.facebook.com/LekKoswig Lek Koswig via Facebook

    LOL! Listen up, Michael Koswig, I’ve got God on my side :D

  • http://www.barnmaven.com Barnmaven

    Every time I try to have an argument with my husband he refuses to play along. It has probably done wonders for my vocal cords and for his personal safety.

  • http://www.facebook.com/greg.covey Greg Covey via Facebook

    The punchline on #2 is great!

  • Jim RS Bachmann via Facebook

    Oh, I’m sure she’s going to love this…..

  • Danielle Perata via Facebook

    How funny it is that you think this will work ;)

  • MS

    I would say that these techniques DO work. However, the women folk tend to catch on fast, and we end up getting cornered. No matter how hard we try, John, we usually end up angry blubbering blobs of goo hiding in the corner…

    Men have a manual that’s roughly 10 pages long. Usually in just illustrations, and other 1 panel cartoons.

    Women have a 40,000 page manual that reads more like a boring version of war and peace. And then they like to change it up every so often.

    With. out. notice.

  • MS

    “TAKE MY WIFE! PLEASE!!!!”

    - Henny Youngman

    • mike moore

      and don’t forget, “marriage is a great institution … yeah, but who wants to be in an institution?” … or the classic, “the first 100 years are the hardest.”

  • http://Flamidwyfe.wordpress.com Sandi

    Love it, shared it via Facebook and via email to those few I know that aren’t on FB… Thanks, for a good morning laugh!

    p.s. Is Ha! Available for iTunes? Going to go suss that out!

  • Worthington Enslow

    If you express an opinion and your wife isn’t there to hear it, are you still wrong? :0)

  • Adara Pallady via Facebook

    Yes, very funny. Thaks for the reminder about why I divorced my husband. Don’t want to start feeling like it was a mistake.

  • Elsa

    Well, this would be funny if it actually stopped men from using these methods to gain power and control over their partners. Having lived for 20 years with a man like this, and he has some more techniques he can tell you about, reading this made me feel sick. I know I’m gonna sound like a jerk for taking this seriously, and abusive men probably aren’t even reading your blog, John, but you describe their tactics so perfectly.

    You just left out the part where the woman, subjected to this day after day, year after year, suffers extreme trauma. You’ve described a sit-com, where the guy comes off looking like a stupid ass, not real life where the woman is in fear of her life and her sanity, and the custody of her children.

    So, tell me, what was your motive for writing this?

    • Valerie

      I am so sorry you had to deal with that in your life. Honestly when I read it I thought about how I use some of these techniques myself. It was written in fun and I found myself giggling. Of course our experiences color our perceptions and yours made you find this disturbing. Again I am sorry you had to go through such horrible experiences. Peace and blessings to you.

      • Elsa

        Thanks, Valerie,

        It is funny, but at the same time it is too familiar.

    • DR

      You are really projecting your own experience and subsequent emotions into this post and someone needs to tell you that directly (I honestly don’t know how John has the patience for those of you who do this kind of thing, how you twist his writing to be something he didn’t even remotely write or intend to write and then demand a response to the meaning you’ve inserted).

      John doesn’t need anyone defending his position, but have you even bothered to read what he’s written to women who’ve been abused? There’s at least 50 women who’ve found the courage to escape their situation as a result of what he’s written (who’ve commented to say so, who know how many hundreds more have been helped by him writing it).

      Of course, we all regret what you went through. It does not, however, take you off the hook for your *decision* to read the post this way.

      • Elsa

        Wow, and here I thought I was being so polite. After I *decided* to post my comment, I noticed John’s book over on the sidebar. Cool. I’ll probably buy it.

        This is a blog. It’s supposed to draw comments and questions, and John appears to be a grown-up capable of handling them. I was not accusing him of anything, or twisting anything, but asking out of genuine curiosity why he wrote this, because it seemed designed to provoke this type of discussion. I see that as a good thing, not a bad one.

        I think it’s really interesting that you would attack me for my polite inquiry, implying that the terrible injustice I have done to John is far, far worse than anything that’s been done to me or to other women. YOU seem to be the one projecting, twisting, demanding and putting emotion into it.

        • DR

          I think i t’s fascinating that you are phrasing my response to you as “an attack”. Being direct and honest with someone (on the internet) is not “an attack”. That says more about you than it does me.

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

      Elsa: This was just a simple attempt of mine to maybe help minimize the obnoxiousness/harm of this way of arguing by bringing it to the light in this way. But, yeah, of course I hear what you’re saying: ultimately this kind of ignorant emotional bullying isn’t funny at all.

      • Elsa

        Thanks, John, for replying to me.

  • Kimberly Moser Musci Phillips via Facebook

    LOL. And they lived happily ever after.

  • Kimberly Moser Musci Phillips via Facebook

    (Not.)

  • Jay Launt via Facebook

    This is great and works if you have a carbon unit of the same gender, too.

  • Diana M. Smith via Facebook

    Good luck with this strategy. Hasn’t worked yet at our house. Remain hopeful.

  • Kyung Mi Kim via Facebook

    Whatever happened to ‘Happy wife, Happy life’!?

  • charles m

    one of the sagest, most wise comments I ever received was from the associate Pastor of Calvary Chapel La Mesa, Tom Klingforth- when my future wife (of now 27 years) were in pre-marriage counseling, and he basically looked me straight in face and said- when you argue- you will probably be wrong…. as hard as it was to accept that, I have to say, he was pretty much correct.

  • Heidi L. Nordberg via Facebook

    This is funny and cute.

  • http://microwavedtofu.etsy.com brittany

    i swear to god. my husband lives by this shit ahhhrfdjskf!

  • john c stacey jr

    what a wonderfull loving look @ love and marraige

  • terry

    stupid strategy!


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