Then I went to hell

I saw her standing there—then I went to hell!

I heard it through the grapevine—then I went to hell!

I can’t get no satisfaction—then I went to hell!

I just called to say I love you—then I went to hell!

I shot the sheriff—then I went to hell!

I am woman—then I went to hell!

I should have known better—then I went to hell!

I was made to love her—then I went to hell!

I got you, babe—then I went to hell!

Mama told me not to come—then I went to hell!

You really got me—then I went to hell!

Livin’ la vida loca—then I went to hell!

Gonna make you sweat—then I went to hell!

Gettin’ jiggy wid’ it—then I went to hell!

It wasn’t me—then I went to hell!

It was a good day—then I went to hell!

I’m too sexy—then I went to hell!

Insane in the brain—then I went to hell!

I gotta feeling—then I went to hell!

I knew I love you—then I went to hell!

Always on time—then I went to hell!

In da club—then I went to hell!

Crazy in love—then I went to hell!

Promiscuous—then I went to hell!

 

Pffft. Those guys have church signs forever.

(The sign was outside a church in Blacklick, Ohio [near Columbus], in spring of 2009. From an AP story at the time: “Church pastor Reverend Dave Allison says the Bible is clear that homosexuality is a sin, so the sign is intended as a loving warning to teens. He says it’s confused some people who either don’t know the song or don’t understand the message.”)

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About John Shore

John Shore (who, fwiw, is straight) is the author of UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question, and three other great books. He is founder of Unfundamentalist Christians (on Facebook here), and executive editor of the Unfundamentalist Christians group blog.  (In total John's two blogs receive some 250,000 views per month.) John is also co-founder of The NALT Christians Project, which was written about by TIME,  The Washington Post, and others. His website is JohnShore.com. John is a pastor ordained by The Progressive Christian Alliance. You're invited to like John's Facebook page. And don't forget to sign up for his mucho awesome monthly newsletter.

  • Rachel Koopmans via Facebook

    LOL

    • Fiona

      Love finding my sisters comments on John Shore… pretty sure we’re not going to hell

      • Rachel Koopmans

        Pretty sure it’s just purgatory for me Fee :P

  • Tammy Watson via Facebook

    …it tasted like Cherry Chap Stick. Hum,…all I have is Key Lime.

  • http://www.facebook.com/nwbuckeye Pat Hux via Facebook

    LOLZ

  • Maria Sanchez via Facebook

    This is funny…it never mentioned male or female..I guess everyone in general…hehehe

  • http://www.facebook.com/valeriebarlowhorton Valerie Barlow Horton via Facebook

    It was worth it.

  • http://parentingatrans.blogspot.com Gretchen

    Glad you got that off your chest! :D

  • http://www.buzzdixon.com buzz

    …so…wait…is this sign PRO-same sex kissing or ANTI-same sex kissing…?

  • Eirin H

    Wow. Great commission FAIL.

  • Tammi Carrick via Facebook

    what on earth did i just read

  • Buzz Dixon via Facebook

    Is this sign PRO-same sex kissing or ANTI-same sex kissing?

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

      Right?

  • Kristi

    Is that sign real? Is it supposed to be funny? Honestly, I can’t tell.

  • K-Frame

    Love the one you’re with … then go to hell.

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

      HAR!!! Good one.

      Stairway to heaven—then go to hell!

      • Driftwood2K11

        Zing!

        • http://www.sparrowmilk.blogspot.com Shadsie

          “Obnoxious little frog.”

          (You won’t get the joke unless you’ve seen a certain anime, but I know some folks here have seen it).

          • http://www.sparrowmilk.blogspot.com Shadsie

            Ah, wait, I found a clip. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UzHo85MAhfA&feature=related

            Yes, the character is high – There was a misunderstanding about delicious-looking mushrooms that turned into an “everyone in the cast is tripping” episode.

    • http://www.sparrowmilk.blogspot.com Shadsie

      Knockin’ on Heaven’s door – then I went to Hell

      (Oh, that one sounds so sad…)

      • LSS

        Kafka had a story like that.

  • Driftwood2K11

    Our local Baptist church had one like this. Then beneath the message it said in smaller print “All Are Welcome Here”. I lol’ed.

  • Donna W.

    Here’s a church sign for you: God wants spiritual fruit – not religious nuts!!

    • Kristi

      That is fantastic Donna!

  • http://www.facebook.com/lisa.n.weigand Lisa Noelle Weigand via Facebook

    Wow! What’s the punishment for ‘Why Don’t We Get Drunk and Screw’?

    • http://www.barnmaven.com Barnmaven

      Made me snork out loud!

    • http://www.reverbnation.com/donhildenbrand Don Hildenbrand

      Probably an STD… ;-)

      • LSS

        *and* a hangover

  • http://www.facebook.com/JohnShoreFans John Shore via Facebook

    Lisa: HAAAR!! Great one.

  • Larry Petry via Facebook

    whether it’s “my” view or “your” view, putting it on a sign (or re-posting said sign) never does it justice. In fact, it can trivialize a very significant point or issue………..which, is prob your whole point, in some way, John Shore.

    • http://allegro63.wordpress.com sdgalloway

      I think the point is that it is trivial..as well as a strong hint ambiguous-ness.

      Now to really have fun with the game, start using Country song titles.

      Just a Kiss….then I went to hell

      Take this Job and Shove it…then I went to hell.

      It’s Five O’Clock Somewhere…(ok I went there too, and that statement is true)

      • LSS

        no matter whose bed have your boots been under, you’re going to hell!

        who were you thinkin of when we were makin love last night? if it wasn’t jeezus you’re going to hell (was that going too far?)

        and the thunder rolled, and i went to hell

  • Leslie

    Betcha I could kiss lots of girls there!

  • http://www.facebook.com/cameron.horsburgh Cameron Horsburgh via Facebook

    You and me baby we ain’t nothin’ but mammals, so let’s go to hell!

  • http://www.sparrowmilk.blogspot.com Shadsie

    I once saw a sign on a local church during a summer heatwave:

    “You think it’s hot here?”

    Seeing that the sign I saw was in Pennsylvania and I was born and raised in southern Arizona, I just laughed at it and decided people are wimps.

    • LSS

      they had that here in SC last summer and … it was fairly convincing.

  • http://www.barnmaven.com Barnmaven

    Ooops — I did it again! And then I went to hell.

  • http://www.barnmaven.com Barnmaven

    Born this way – then I went to hell.

    • Luvjustice

      Genius.

    • LSS

      isn’t that the justification for infant baptism (in the catholic sense, anyway)?

      • Andrew Raymond

        Sadly so. Sadly so.

  • http://thethreews.wordpress.com Ken Leonard

    Yes. A loving warning. I’m sure it reached a lot of kids and persuaded them not to do anything wicked like … ummmm … kiss girls.

    What about “I put up a hateful sign in God’s name —then I went to hell!

    Nah … I don’t think you’ll see that one.

  • Susan in NY

    I Kissed A Girl And I Liked It was the most popular song at the wedding of two lesbian friends of mine. People were dancing crazy! What a great party for a great couple!

  • Andrew Raymond via Facebook

    Good to see your hand is feeling better (it must be — you’ve really been cranking out the words the last few days :-) )

  • Andrew Raymond

    Awaitin’ for the train that goes home, sweet Mary — And then I went to hell!

    Those who remember Brewer & Shipley will remember Lawrence Welk’s famous gaffe on that…

  • Marthina

    Oh my word!! These comments are hilarious!!!!

  • http://thethreews.wordpress.com Ken Leonard

    “40-hour week — —then I went to hell!” (now, that’s just sad, really)

  • Tricia Sturgeon

    “Heaven Is A Place On Earth”……. Then I went to hell! Sorry John HAD to do it! LOL. Love you my friend!

  • Gordon

    “Work’in 9 to 5″

    Then I went to hell

  • Ric Booth

    Christianized version:

    ala, Chris Tomlin:

    How Great is Our God (?), then I went to hell.

    Your Grace is (almost) Enough, then I went to hell.

    Unfailing Love (for the most part), then I went to hell.

    The Way I was Made (I think Lady Gaga ripped this one off), then I went to hell.

    On Our Side (apparently it’s not an inclusive Our), then I went to hell.

    You Do All Things Well, then I went to hell.

    … It’s hard to believe, but they’re probably singing these songs in that very church.

    • LSS

      Just as i aaaaaaaaaaam i weeeeeeeeeeent to hell?

    • http://thethreews.wordpress.com Ken Leonard

      Dang, Ric!

      That was brilliant!

  • Gary

    BTW – For anyone who would like to write an email to the misguided pastor…his address is dallison@HavensCornersChurch.com

  • http://kingmaalbert@hotmail.com Al

    As I recall, the Bible says, “Judge not lest ye be judged” and “Vengeance is God’s”. I’ve always taken these lines to mean that God can speak for himself and He doesn’t take it lightly when people decide to speak for him. In other words, he intends to hold them accountable if they do so.

    On the other hand, if I’m going to hell for expressing my love in a way that seems suitable for me, I can’t think of a worse way to spend eternity than with a bunch of arrogant, self-righteous, judgemental hypocrites, so maybe they have a point.

  • mike moore

    “I touch myself” then went to hell.

    (Sorry Divinyls, I couldn’t stop myself, either.)

    • Diana A.

      That was good!

  • Lymis

    I’m a gay man, so what happens if I kiss a girl?

    • LSS

      you have to marry her.

      • Lymis

        EEEWWWW.

        My husband may object.

      • Diana A.

        “I said ‘Honey, I live with you for the rest of my life.’

        She said ‘No huggie, no kissy until you make me your wife.’

        ‘My honey, my baby, don’t put my love upon no shelf!’

        She said ‘Don’t hand me no lines and keep your hands to yourself!’”

    • mike moore

      jeez, dude, have the Republican Presidential debates taught you nothing?

      If you kiss a girl … first, you’ll turn straight, since you’ll realize what a bad choice you’ve been making by kissing guys; next comes a bad haircut and, yes, you have to throw away all your hair products; you’ll become a Republican (a given, of course) with an American flag pin on the lapel of your bad suit; you must marry at least 2 or 3 times, preferably to blondes who don’t wear pantsuits, having at least 2 kids along the way; and only then will you go directly to heaven …

      as you can see, straying down the path to a “straight” “lifestyle” … well, it’s a slippery sloop, bro … best to keep your snogging limited to the guys.

      • http://allegro63.wordpress.com sdgalloway

        Wait wait wait. You think those GOP candidates don’t use hair products?? There is no way some of them can maintain those perfectly hued tresses without a bevy products that claim “no animal testing” somewhere on the bottle.

      • MaryKaye

        Probably it was a typo, but man, I love that phrase “slippery sloop.”

  • redlo

    evidently there is no hell for Hitler or unrepentant child molesters either according to the ideas propagated at this site.

    • Gary

      Well there goes the neighborhood.

    • http://thethreews.wordpress.com Ken Leonard

      Gee. Too bad none of us ever thought of that.

      The question is, really, which do you think is more powerful: God’s love or the evil of mankind?

      You might want to think about that answer really, really carefully.

      Or you might not, since you’re probably just a troll. But if you’re really here to discuss, then start with that question. On the other side of life, we all agree that what we did on earth isn’t going to count for much, right?

      You expect to be in heaven, despite your sins, right, by God’s grace?

      One of those sins that won’t plague you anymore is resentment. It won’t trouble you that people are there who weren’t as good as you are. You’ll just be thrilled that you, your friends, and even people who didn’t understand the wonder of repentance in life, all get to live in grace.

      I guess I think that God’s grace and love is bigger than our capacity for wrongdoing. So, yes, I won’t get the joy of knowing that Hitler, my ex-wife, that kid who bullied me in school, et. al. are in hell.

      Instead, I’ll know the joy of celebrating God’s grace. I’ll be freed of the desire to punish them as we’re all released from our hatred.

      That sounds a lot more like paradise to me, anyway.

  • http://ginambakkun.blogspot.com Gina

    *singing*

    I put up a sign that is theologically inaccurate

    I hope my God won’t mind it!

  • http://www.facebook.com/divadarya Darya

    I’m proud to be an American -and then I went to hell

    I’m an Okie from Muskogee-and then I went to hell

    Let’s include the Country side of things, too…

    • Kristyn Whitaker hood

      Jesus take the Wheel–and then I went ot Hell. . . Wait?. . . What?!

    • http://ihopetomorrowisbetter.blogspot.com Molly Bandit

      Man! I Feel Like a Woman… and then I went to hell

      I’m a Redneck Woman… and then I went to hell

      although it doesn’t fit the pattern:

      And Then I Went to Hell… Did I Shave My Legs for This?

  • Michele N. Morgan

    This is like that fun game you play where you take a phrase and you have to end it with “…in bed.”

    “She blinded me with Science – then I went to hell.”

    • http://johnshore.com/ John Shore

      You! Yoou got what I need — then I went to hell.


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