Get thee behind me, Santa!

[READER ADVISORY ALERT: Joke. The below is a joke, with the funny and the laughing and the ho-hoing.]

Don’t we Christians want the primary focus of Christmas to be Christ? And don’t all the Pagan Party People pestering us with their perniciously pervasive propaganda promoting puerile, pea-brained positivity want the primary focus of Christmas to be Santa Claus?

And doesn’t that mean that Santa Claus’s true identify is Satan, the ultimate anti-Christ?

Why yes, it does.

Ho, ho, ho, indeed!

The gall of the Prince of Darkness, pretending to be jolly!

Santa being Satan certainly explains a lot. It explains the red suit, for one. And also the flying reindeer. Remember how totally frightening the flying monkeys were in The Wizard of Oz? Clearly, making mammals fly is an earmark of the deeply malevolent. (And we can see what an amateur the Wicked Witch was compared to Satan Claus. Think about it. Which would you rather have flying overhead, 15-pound monkeys or 400-pound reindeers?)

And what about Santa’s elves? An elf is nothing but a gnome with good PR. And everyone knows that gnomes are deviants who thrill at creating havoc. I used to live in a cabin in the woods that became infested with gnomes. Believe me, that is not something you want to happen. (And if it ever does happen to you, here’s a tip: forget using Raid’s GnomeMotel.™ That product is useless. I set one in a corner of my living room, and woke up the next morning to find those bowlegged little miscreants had built on to the thing. They had built this little jacuzzi—and a freakin’ deck. I mean, c’mon. The workmanship was just awful. And no wonder: typically, there were all these little airplane-size bottles of booze left lying everywhere on the floor. Terrible. To get rid of them, I finally just borrowed my neighbor’s two rottweilers. Boy. Was that ever not pretty.)

And look how closely Santa and Satan’s names are spelled! Proof a’ plenty! And Santa/Satan isn’t the only diabolic anagram going on with their names. Rearrange the letters in “Saint Nick” and what do you get? That’s right: Sick Taint. Do the same with the letters of “Kris Kringle,” and you get nothing less than Sir Grinlekk—which only a fool wouldn’t agree sounds like it could totally be the name of a wizard from one of the Harry Potter books!

Santa Claus. Satan’s Cause. Satan’s claws.

None of this is even a little subtle. I’m surprised that children around the world don’t believe that every Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney, leaves a bunch of presents, and steals their souls. And kicks their pets on the way out.

Plus, everyone knows that Satan’s whole thing is to make people believe the exact opposite of the truth. And as we all know Hades is about as far south as it gets. So where, conveniently, does “Santa” live?

But of course: the North Pole.

And do I even need to mention how wrong it is to teach kids to associate getting great things for free with breaking and entering? How long is it before any Christmas-inculcated child with any initiative at all thinks to himself, “Hmm. Santa goes down chimneys while people are asleep. I could go through windows while people are on vacation. Why shouldn’t every day be Christmas for me?” Not long at all, I say.

The Christmas season is now officially upon us. Let us become ever more vigilant against the evil that tries to distract us from its true meaning. Christmas is about Christ—period. And that is why I, for one, will be prepared throughout this entire Christmas season to, at any given moment, stand proudly straight, point accusingly, and cry at the top of my lungs:

“Get thee behind me, Santa!”

About John Shore

John Shore (who, fwiw, is straight) is the author of UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question, and three other great books. He is founder of Unfundamentalist Christians (on Facebook here), and executive editor of the Unfundamentalist Christians group blog.  (In total John's two blogs receive some 250,000 views per month.) John is also co-founder of The NALT Christians Project, which was written about by TIME,  The Washington Post, and others. His website is JohnShore.com. You're invited to like John's Facebook page. Don't forget to sign up for his mucho-awesome newsletter.

  • Maria

    “And don’t all the pagan Party People pestering us with their perniciously pervasive propaganda promoting puerile, pea-brained positivity”

    LOL, unequivocal proof that John is minding his alliterative p’s!

    • Donald Rappe

      Yes, but where are the q’s?

      • Jill H

        Ooooh Don–throwing down the gauntlet! Nice one!

      • vj

        I was wondering the same thing… maybe John’s quite qualitatively querying them?

      • Lymis

        We were out to dinner.

        • vj

          Lymis, you are on such a roll with these comments!

  • Gregg

    I find this article SO DISTURBING. Did you not research the ACTUAL derivation of “Santa Claus”? Have you EVER heard a Dutch person pronounce Saint Nicholas? Yes, today’s Santa Claus is a perversion of modern society used to promote a commercialization of the Christ Mass created by that cola company but he is FAR FROM Satan. Some day SERIOUSLY read “Yes Virginia, there IS a Santa Claus” and you might start to understand why I think the villification of Santa Claus versus the uproar over having the Christ Mass taken over by commercialization is just plain WRONG.

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

      Wow. When I first published this, I ran a note along its top saying, “Joke! This is a JOKE! It’s HUMOR.” But this time I felt that was surely unnecessary. But. Wrong again.

      *sigh*

      • vj

        The triumph of hope over experience ;-)

      • Lymis

        It was the gnomes, John.

        People lose their objectivity around gnomes every time.

        • vj

          I gnome what you mean…

    • vj

      Gregg, you seem to be new here (I don’t recall seeing you comment previously)….

      Seriously, though – LIGHTEN UP and read beyond this one post before you start COMPLAINING about John’s take on the matter. He writes lots of stuff that is ‘tongue-in-cheek’ (HINT: that’s what this post is).

      Familiarize yourself with more of John’s writing BEFORE taking it upon yourself to be FACT-CHECKER-IN CHIEF!

      • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

        funny with the caps, vj!

        • vj

          tee hee

          • Lymis

            Is that a golf joke?

          • Jill H

            Why is this making laugh THIS much?!?

          • vj

            ! ;-)

  • Lymis

    Don’t forget the bells. Who else rings bells? Lepers.

    And as for the elves and the toys, can we talk outsourcing? We complain that foreigners are stealing jobs by paying people dollars a day and living and working in hot, unventilated, inhuman working conditions. How much worse is it to steal jobs by having actual non-humans work for free and live in the snow?

    How can a good, decent 1%-er compete with that, even with the most aggressive outsourcing? Heck, Santa doesn’t even let people invest in his operation, so decent billionaires can’t get anything out of it. And he’s clearly hogging the patents on his distribution system- delivering everything overnight at just the cost of some reindeer chow?

    And can we talk about this thing where Santa gives coal if you’ve been bad? To children? That’s an incredible slam at the coal industry, don’t you think? Obviously, Santa is in it up to his bowl full of jelly with evil Arab Oil producers, and we know how anti-Christian those terrorists are. Pure Anti-Christian propaganda.

    And don’t forget the stalking. He’s watching our children while they sleep! Documenting their behavior day and night, making lists and constantly going back over them. Giving them presents and candy if they’ve been “good.” Inviting them to sit in his lap. This can’t be good, decent behavior. Big Brother is watching you, indeed!

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

      HAR! Good ones!! I totally should have done a “watching children while they sleep joke.” And a coal joke!!! Way funnier than my gnomes bit!

      • Jill

        Have any of you ever heard of the German “Santa”, Krampus? Talk about watching children while they sleep… in terror!

        http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Krampus

        But it’s nice to see Church Lady back to share glad tidings of the season.

      • Lymis

        There’s a North Pole joke in there somewhere, too, but I couldn’t get it far enough out of the gutter.

        I do love the reindeer poo issue – and at the speeds that sleigh has to move to get to all the (good Christian™) homes overnight, that stuff’s got to come in like mortar fire.

    • jesse

      BRILLIANT!!!!!!

  • Jill Hileman via Facebook

    No way, really?!? ;)

  • Carole

    I’d laugh if it wasn’t for all the fundamentalist conspiracy theorists out there who actually believe all this stuff…..

    • Jill

      My motto in life is: laugh, because random, incessant weeping scares people away.

      • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

        You say that like it’s a bad thing.

        • vj

          Jill & John, you two crack me up :-)

    • Sharla Hulsey

      Nah, don’t let them ruin your enjoyment. Go ahead and laugh.

  • http://muirdragonne.blogspot.co.uk/ Muir

    John, you should write for christwire! :D hehe

  • Brandon Hassler via Facebook

    lol good one

  • jesse

    Don’t let those pesky Jews and their 8 days of presents try to distract children from the true evil that is Satan! And those ubiquitous candy canes, teaching our pweshussss chillllldren to mock the elderly, making light of their aged plight as they hobble along, struggling to avoid those disrespectful whippersnappers!

    There will be blood on Satan’s Claws* this season, that’s for gosh-darned sure!

    * really obscure reference to a really obscure, antiquated, and equally ghastly horror movie.

    • Aliza Worthington

      We ARE pesky, aren’t we? ;-)

  • http://www.facebook.com/john10423 John Gragson via Facebook

    LMAO

  • mike moore

    I WANT that image up top of the post …. it’ll be perfect for my Xmas cards.

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

      How I pity your friends. If you have any, hippie.

      • mike moore

        No, my two friends are pagans and NIN fans … they’ll love it.

        Plus, I’ve put on weight, so my annual Christmas card showing me naked with artfully-placed holly sprig (branch, really) and jingle bells just doesn’t feel right this year, you tie-dyed lovin’ yippie.

        • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

          Don’t lie. It was a sprig.

        • Jill

          Should start a charity so Mike can rent a few friends for the holiday season. He’s breaking my heart over here…

          (But not that kind of friend…)

          • mike moore

            rentboys for Christmas, woooohoooo! Thank YOU, Jill ,uh Satan Santa!

            (PS to John – ok, but I swear it was a really big sprig, punkin’)

  • http://www.facebook.com/valeriebarlowhorton Valerie Barlow Horton via Facebook

    You’re so silly.

  • http://www.facebook.com/KristiOutlerByrd Kristi Outler Byrd via Facebook

    So funny!

  • Donald Rappe

    typo: put on in a corner

  • Matt

    I’m not an “lol” kind of guy, but “sick taint?”

    ….

    “LOL!!!!!1″

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Chris-Jones/50402231 Chris Jones via Facebook

    I can just imagine someone seeing this and taking it seriously…which would be even funnier.

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

      Just scroll down a bit here and … sure enough!

    • JenellYB

      Surely you jest! You haven’t seen some of the stuff some of the news programs have picked up off The Onion and thought was real?

  • boy jesse

    You KNOW Satan’s in league with those demonic homerseckshuls! Just look at the lyrics of one of the songs they have managed to indoctrinate millions of people into assuming is an innocuous little tune:

    “Don we now our GAY apparel.”

    Shocking, i tell you!

    • Lymis

      Honey, on me, it’s ALL gay apparel.

  • http://allegro63.wordpress.com sdparris

    Gives a whole new layer of creepiness to the song Santa(Satan) Claus is coming to town.

    • Lymis

      Sort of a Freddy Krueger with elves thing, right?

      “He knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!” (or else, BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!!)

  • jean

    LOL, but you just know some rightwing fundy is gasping, “SATAN CLAWS!” and rushing off to blog about it….

  • http://www.faithpermeatinglife.com Jessica @ Faith Permeating Life

    Near my college campus there was a guy who would walk around with a Bible and talk to people. Near Christmas time he stopped my friends and me and pointed out several passages to us that “prove” that Santa is the Devil and/or the Anti-Christ, including references to him sitting on a throne, coming from the north, and of course the resemblance of Satan/Santa. He then warned us that Satan is trying to distract us from Jesus by focusing our attention on people like Santa and (yes) the Virgin Mary.

    So, yes, there are people who really believe this stuff.

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

      Yeah, I heard from them the first time I ran this piece, years back. Man, that crowd BOMBARDED me. It’s nice to be able to run it again, and know that this time my little cadre of readers is … um, well. Normal.

      • Lymis

        I resent that. I prefer to think of myself as eccentric.

        • JenellYB

          Yeah, I adopted ‘eccentric’ a few years ago myself. seemed the best option I found yet.

      • mike moore

        I’ve been called a lot of things, but “normal”? Low, dude … low.

        • Jill H

          I was gonna refrain from getting lippy on that ‘normal’ comment, but yeah…

          • mike moore

            I know, you’d think he’d at least refer to us as “spritely”

          • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

            What’s more normal than not wanting to be thought of as normal?

            Embrace you inner normal person, I say! Cop to the normalcy!

            Normal people unite!

            I am so putting that on a tee-shirt.

          • Jill H

            Man, first you ruin Santa/Satan for me, then you go and call me normal. Why don’tcha take away my birthday while you’re at it?

            Killjoy.

          • http://www.facebook.com/bill.steffenhagen?sk=wall Soulmentor

            But John, I’m gay. I can’t be normal, can I. After all, the world has been telling me for centuries that I’m not. So it must be true.

            I’m not normal. Save me. Throw a bucket of righteousness on me. Oh, I’m melting, I’m melting…….what a wicked world……

          • Lymis

            You know, if you’re a couple hundred years old, that’s not normal, gay or not. What’s your secret? What’s your skin care regimen?

          • http://audioarchives.blogspot.com spinetingler

            “What’s your skin care regimen?”

            Couple hundred years old? I’d guess staying out of the sun, preferably in a pine box during the day.

          • mike moore

            will you make me a companion tee that says, “I’m with Normal >”?

          • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

            Only if you promise never to let your husband wear it.

          • mike moore

            deal.

          • Lymis

            I know where you can get one. I’ll post a link if John says I can.

  • Ed

    I needed this article to have a great laugh during this Advent Season!

    Thanks John!

  • http://www.facebook.com/bill.steffenhagen?sk=wall Soulmentor

    ******And what would you rather have flying over your head: 15-pound monkeys or 500-pound reindeer?********

    The reindeer, because the monkeys are malevolent and bring fear and trouble, and the reindeer are nice and bring presents……and Rudolf is so sweet.

    No contest.

    • Russell Mark

      Sweet, yeah, but their droppings are lethal!

      • Sharla Hulsey

        Perhaps–but at least reindeer don’t THROW theirs!

  • FishFinger

    Reminds me of this one:

    http://i.imgur.com/ZGEW5.jpg

  • http://manuelinor.wordpress.com manuelinor

    I wanted to ‘Like’ this post, but I cried “Get thee behind me, Facebook” sometime last year, so the little blue-and-white thumb does nothing for me now.

    Great post!! :)

  • http://maydt.blogspot.com May

    500 lb reindeer? That would be a reindeer on steroids. Now I’ve only eaten caribou (the undomesticated version of reindeer), but you’re doing really well if you can dress out 40 lbs worth of meet on it. (We always used to do both a beef roast and a caribou roast when we had company, and then ask our guests if they’d have some Rudolf or some Ferdinand).

  • JenellYB

    You’ve nailed the paranoid fundy fanatic Christian thinking that is obsessed with Satanic conspiracy theories lurking at every turn, setting alluring traps to steal foolish souls, perfectly!

  • Elizabeth

    Lol, I grew up with this mind set….I didn’t know anyone else said the “Satan claws” thing…

    Reading this was a flashback to my childhood…

  • Dennis Sweatt

    Explains the red suit? Satan is color specific? This is why I am an atheist. http://the-democratic-republican.blogspot.com/2013/06/a-question-of-god.html

    • http://johnshore.com/ John Shore

      Really? Silly JOKES caused you to become an atheist? I shudder to think what anything funnier might have turned you into.

  • Sharla Hulsey

    This is a hoot.

    (Incidentally, I have a sermon from a few years back about Santa Claus posted on my Facebook… https://www.facebook.com/notes/sharla-hulsey/december-6-2009-i-believe-in-santa-claus-luke-637-38/213547132058 … I made it public, so you should be able to read it. I borrowed heavily from the St. Nicholas Center’s website and of course “Yes, Virginia, There Is a Santa Claus.”)

  • Julie

    Thanks, John! I needed the belly laugh this morning!

  • Guest

    “Pagen party people?” Santa is Satan? God forbid this hate monger should
    represent my Christian faith. He certainly does not represent my God.
    Then there’s the (either) outright lies or severe ignorance: “Clause”
    was originally “Klaus,” pronounced like “out,” so the “Satan’s Claws” thing is a dark pigment
    of this sad person’s manipulative imagination. If anyone here is Satan, I have now have no
    doubt that it is John Shore.

    • http://johnshore.com/ John Shore

      Wait … I feel like I’ve read this before somewhere….

  • John Brown

    “Pagen party people?” Santa is Satan? God forbid this hate monger should
    represent my Christian faith. He certainly does not represent my God.
    Then there’s the (either) outright lies or severe ignorance: “Clause”
    was originally “Klaus,” pronounced like “mouse,” so the “Satan’s Claws” thing is a dark pigment of this sad person’s manipulative imagination. If anyone here is Satan, I have now have no doubt that it is John Shore.

    • https://elizabeth-fullerton.squarespace.com/resume Elizabeth

      Der Mädchenname meiner Mutter ist Wilhelm. I know how to pronounce ˈsæntə klɔːz. Here’s where you remember it’s funny.

    • http://johnshore.com/ John Shore

      And people think Christians have no sense of humor …


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