Am I trying to justify my homosexual sins?

Here’s a letter I got in this weekend:

Good day John. I’d like to say I’m really ecstatic that I came across your blog.

I’m a lesbian (a dyke, butch, a girl who looks like a man) and I’m a born-again Christian. I was an active worker of the church back home in my country (Philippines), where my dad was a pastor. I was in a worship team. And I really find joy in serving our Lord Jesus Christ—singing praises to Him, feeling His presence and being filled with the Holy Spirit. I see people being blessed by what I do for God’s glory.

But I sometimes wonder what they would think if they knew that I am a homosexual—which I think is pretty obvious, because you would never see me being girly, wearing a dress, putting on make-up, and doing all those “how-a-Christian-girl-should act” things. I was always true to myself, but not so truthful that I’d stand up in front of the congregation and confess “Hey! brothers and sisters, I am gay and love Jesus!” I dream of doing that though, of letting the people know, or the church know, who and what I really am. To somehow let them know that as a Christian homosexual God can still fill me with His spirit.

But you think I should really do that, come out that way? I’m just curious.

It was not long ago when I started asking myself if being gay or lesbian is not okay? Is it a sin? An abomination? That it is a given, once you’re gay, that you just go straight to hell? Doesn’t matter if you love Jesus, doesn’t matter if you serve Him: you are a homo and that’s a sin, so it’s either you repent and be straight, or continue your homosexual acts and burn in hell!

It scares me, John. The idea of changing myself because it is the right thing to do—it is what they say what God wants me to do—is scary. It’s like giving up my life. My whole life. And I’ve been like this since grade school. Though I know that’s what serving God is all about. Right? About surrendering your all to Him.

Every year we have our youth camp, and last 2006, during our Holy Spirit Baptism, I had this incredible experience with the Holy Spirit that I thought I would never feel because of the fact that I’m gay. After that night I felt so blessed that I felt something had changed in me. That I was lesbian no more! But I still did not wear a dress though. A month after that encounter, though, I got involved with a girl. We go to the same church, and were both active in our ministry, so we kept this of course from everyone. My relationship with her lasted about three years. She broke up with me because, you know, our love was wrong. So I was devastated and depressed.

And that’s when my journey began of seeking the truth about homosexuals. Do you think I am seeking for more knowledge about God and homosexuals just because I just want to justify my sin?! Or am I doing this because there is really is something about homosexuals that the world should know about?—that the Christian world should know about? Was it God who lead me to your blog??? Because I never actually thought that there would be a fellow straight Christian who is not against homosexuality. And as I scan through your Facebook page I found more Christians who are not against homosexuality. And that gave me hope. Hope that I can be myself.

I honestly don’t wanna think anymore about whether or not being gay is a sin. I just wanna live and be myself and serve God. But there are circumstances that requires me to find out more about the whole thing. My mom has these books about homosexuality: how to come out of it, how to pray for your homosexual daughter/son. And there’s this website she always visits, I can’t remember the site or the speaker’s name. But it teaches that there is hope for gays and lesbians to be straight. And it hurts me. And confuses me at some point. If God did not want me to be this way, I should have just been straight in the first place. Why would God create gays and lesbians? Or did He really create us to be this way? And If He did made us this way, is it just to prove that there is hope for change for people like us??

I don’t get it. It does not make sense. It’s a torture, for me, as a Christian gay, to feel this way. Because I really don’t think that it was my choice to like girls. What can I do? I never dream of having a man by my side. Just like a straight guy who would never dream of having a guy as his partner for life. I think it’s the same thing. You are straight: Do you ever dream of having a man by your side? Am I even making sense here? Forgive me. My heart is bursting in tears. I am actually heart broken again right now. So I asked God, am I really not allowed, am I really forbidden, to love someone??

God said whatever our heart desires, ask and He will give it. And my one true desire is to love and be loved. And that who I am and love would be okay for my family and the family of the person I love. My desire is to be free and have no one  judge me.

Thank you for taking time to read this John. I have so many questions and running across your blog made me think, maybe this is God’s answer.

Oh, Lord. When is this caustic, toxic, hateful, homophobic bullshit Christians do going to stop already?

Look at this girl. Look at her love. Look at her desperate yearning to do nothing more than love and be loved.

She wants to love, be loved, and know that God doesn’t hate her. That’s it. That’s her heart’s desire. That’s what she needs. Same as any other person (of faith) in the world.

And there’s Christianity — which is supposed to be founded on the unconditional love of God — breaking and tearing apart her heart. Shredding her sense of worth. Devastating her confidence. Ruining her relationships.

Destroying her life.

And still she loves Christ. This girl is so deeply wedded to the very heart and soul of Jesus that despite two thousand years worth of ignorant and poisonous institutionalized Christianity being leveled against her and everything she knows about herself, still she clings to God, still she loves Jesus, still she seeks reconciliation between herself and the God who calls all to his side.


And there’s her poor mother reading books on how to “heal” her, and praying that God will fix her.

And her crime? The thing that makes her anathema to the faith that she champions, that she continues to love despite its condemnation of her?

She dreams of having a woman by her side instead of a man.

And so Christians, hating the way she loves, do everything they can to make her hate herself.

And see its effect! Look where she’s at now. Looks what’s happened to her. Her letter drips grief and confusion.

The moment I read her letter I answered her back this:

It’s okay that you’re gay. God loves you no less for that. Some PEOPLE decided to translate their fear of gays into Biblical texts, but those are translation errors, not reality. And then SOME Christians decided to believe in that translation, not because they were listening to God (who invites EVERYONE to come to him/her), but because they were listening to their own craziness.

I pray she hears that.

Are you out there, girl? Hear that! God doesn’t care if you’re gay. God made you gay. God likes you being gay. God likes girls; you like girls; I like girls; everyone likes girls. It’s perfectly okay for you to be perfectly lesbian.

The only people who don’t like homosexuals just because they’re homosexuals are dented in the heart. Something awful happened to them. They (very often) were inculcated with a version of Christianity that sickens God. Someone gave them the awful anti-gay virus, and they sneeze and spit that nastiness onto others, because they just don’t know any better.

But you do. You know better. You hear God telling you that he loves you as he created you. You know your church is wrong. You know your mother (God bless her loving heart) is wrong. You know the love you can feel for a woman is every bit as strong and pure and right as the love any person ever feels for another.

All you have to do is accept with your mind what your heart already knows. That’s it. Just accept it.

As to a few of your specific questions:

No, I don’t think you’re under any moral obligation to come out to your church, or to anyone else you don’t want to. Who you are and how you love is nobody’s business but yours.

No, I don’t think you are seeking for more knowledge about God and homosexuals because you want to justify your sin. I think you’re doing it because deep inside you know that being homosexual isn’t a sin, and you’re seeking (and deserve) confirmation of that.

No, I don’t ever dream of being with a man in the way I am my wife.

And finally — and again and again and again and again: No, you don’t go straight to hell for being a lesbian. That anyone is automatically condemned to hell just for being gay or lesbian is absolute, one hundred percent medieval bullshit that you can with great relief and joy toss out like the fetid old garbage that it is.

You love. What could be less of a sin than loving? Loving is what humans are supposed to do. When you love, as God made you to love, God wins. You win. I win. Even your church (though they may not yet realize it) wins.

God is love — period, end of story, forever and ever.

So love! And love, even, those who would condemn you for that love. For (as someone once said) such people know not what they do.


(This post was originally published in June of 2011.)

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