I wrote the short book Seven Reasons Women Stay in Abusive Relationships, and How to Defeat Each One of Them. I’d be surprised if I ever wrote anything that I knew did more good for more people. When the number of letters I received from woman who were inspired enough by this book to leave their abusive relationships reached 100, I stopped collecting them.
Here’s an excerpt from that book I’m hoping might speak to someone today:
Reason #5: You Love the Lovable In Him
“So why don’t you just leave him already!?”
If you’re a woman in an abusive relationships, that’s a piece of advice you’ve probably heard before. You’ve probably said it to yourself before. It seems so simple. A guy hits you, or is forever treating you like something vile that got stuck on his shoe—so you should pack your stuff and get the [beeeep] out of Dodge right? What could be simpler than that?
Except that if love were simple, they wouldn’t keep making new movies and writing new songs about it. If love were simple, by now someone would have figured out how it works, and why—or how to predict it, or how to avoid it, or something about it we can use (and that preferably comes in a spray can).
But that hasn’t yet happened, has it? And it never will. Because love is … well, insane.
A man beats you, for instance, and somehow you still love him.
Talk about insane, right? What the heck is that about?
Well, for starters, it’s about the fact that everyone—everyone, everyone, everyone—has a whole bunch of stuff about them that is, objectively speaking, absolutely lovable.
The man who beats you is cute. He has adorable ways.
You see that little boy in him, and you melt.
He needs you. He’s powerful. He’s got that charm thing some guys have.
He’s got that way of talking, of moving, of boldly taking control of stuff; he’s brave like that. He does things in the world. He’s smart, capable, confident.Underneath it all, he’s a good man. He was raised poorly. His dad never gave him a break. He tries.
He’s got those arms you love.
All of these sorts of qualities that you love in your man really are lovable: there’s no doubt whatsoever about that. If you’re a woman in an abusive relationship, though, here are two things that you must bear in mind about all the sorts of things that make you love your man in spite of the awful way he treats you:
1. Every man has all kinds of qualities that are every bit as attractive and lovable as any characteristic possessed by your man. You just don’t know any other guys like you know your man; you’re just used to your man’s lovable qualities. Your man’s qualities seem really unique because they belong to him. But you could love those same qualities (and a whole bunch of new ones!) in another man—in a man who doesn’t treat you like garbage.
2. Your man uses his lovable qualities to keep you hooked on him. He does that on purpose. He knows exactly what things about him you love, and he consciously, purposefully, and constantly uses those qualities as weapons to keep you vulnerable to him. He knows he looks cute in that one shirt; he knows how good you think he looks in his cowboy boots; he knows you like how he looks with his hair all mussed up in the morning. He knows those things. He sees how you react to them, every single time.
And he uses that to play you like a finely tuned fiddle.