Friends and family, in the wake of the courageous World Vision stand to continue to deny same-sex couples employment, I have searched my heart, prayed around the clock and have come to a very difficult decision.
See, it was in a moment of weakness that World Vision announced they would include homosexuals in their ranks of true Christians and hard-working citizens. When it became evident that Christians, feeling faithfully convicted that to follow Christ meant they must be willing to jeopardize the lives of children around the world, well my eyes were opened. If good and kind people who follow Jesus were willing to refuse their resources to the child they had so loving adopted through World Vision, and if World Vision had the courage and faith to submit to these generous and compassionate people – well, maybe they are all right. Maybe if I just work hard enough, pray enough and submit to extensive ex-gay therapy, I too will be worthy of God’s love. And since I am no longer with my so called “wife,” it should be all the easier, right?
So instead of my much anticipated trip to Ireland, I have spoken with my pastor and then my travel agent (who helped me arrange a very expensive change of tickets) and have decided to go on a week-long pilgrimage that will culminate in checking myself into homosexual rehab.
Holy Week will no longer be about a selfish attempt to explore the Divine spark of The Spirit that resides within (wow, who talks like that? Certainly not Jesus!) but will be the beginning of a cleansing rite that will make me more acceptable to God and, more importantly, my fellow Christians.
My ex-homosexual agenda will include:
Writing letters of thanks and apology to the good Christians on this list: 10 Most Wildly Anti-Gay Preachers in America
A pilgrimage the holy of holies, the Vatican of seeing Christians who truly understand God’s love – Westboro Baptist Church
Humbly ask for a meeting with John Piper to beg him to be my spiritual and moral guide as I seek to learn how to be a good real wife.
Enroll in the Liberty University Online course in Graduate Theological Studies (clearly I need to have my head cleared of all this “progressive” and process nonsense)
Apply for a Marketing and PR job at Focus on the Family
Find out how I can become BFFs with real Christian women like Michelle Bachman & Victoria Jackson
Ask Kathy Baldock to introduce me to the strictest, harshest (uh, most Christian!) reparative group she’s met
Search for an apartment as far way from Decatur, GA, as possible
Most of all, and all week, without ceasing, pray away the gay. Just because it didn’t work for over 20 years since puberty that I tried, doesn’t mean it’s not possible!
If I can choose to change my address or hairstyle, I can choose to leave homosexuality.
Suggestions on how to become a better Christian are welcome!