Advice: Clueless about my wedding night

Dear Love InshAllah:

I am a virgin, and I really don’t know what to expect come wedding night. I’m definitely excited (one of the greatest understatements of all-time lol), but I am just so utterly clueless as to what I should do to blow the mind of my wife-to-be!

I’ve never kissed a girl let alone done anything to have had any experience whatsoever in the female-pleasuring department. I have never dated. I don’t watch pornography or anything like that, and I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing so given that it’s haraam. But I am at a total loss as to what I should do once my wife and I are alone.

I promise I’m not a lonely creep who lives in a cave. I just had good parents who raised me religiously since I was young. Promise :)

I have a great relationship with my parents, but I am too shy to even ask my own friends for advice on this issue let alone people like my mom and dad! So I’d really appreciate it if you could give me like a list of things that I should and/or from the moment we are alone to the “main event” itself. Are there any common things that most girls like? Things that, perhaps, they’d be too shy to mention directly? Also, are there any things I should know not to do or say? Misconceptions about girls and their sexuality, etc.? Any reading material you’d advise?

Signed,

Clueless about my wedding night

Ms. Sunshine replies:

“When you intend to have sex with your wife, do not rush because the woman has needs.” — Ali ibn Abi Talib (as)

This is your first time, dear one; don’t expect to blow her mind because there is a 99% chance that you won’t. That’s okay.  Whether you’re her first partner or her 100th, this is her first time with you. Enjoy getting to know one another. Explore one another’s bodies and minds together until you find all the many ways your unique body pleases hers and vice versa.

Sex is sensual. Use your senses.

Listen:  Ask a lot of questions.  Don’t worry if your voice quivers, nervousness can be endearing. She’s probably a little nervous too.  Can I touch you here? Can I kiss you there? Will you touch me here? Does that feel good? Was that okay? No matter how excited you are, you will both enjoy the experience more if you frequently check in with one another.  Ask, ask, ask until she asks you to stop asking.

Watch:  Passion can render us speechless, but the body has its own language. Watch her body. Does she move toward you when you do something? Do more. Does she tense and move away, even slightly, when you do something else? Don’t do that.  A mind-blowing lover is an observant lover, paying careful attention to how his or her partner responds to his or her body.

Touch: Be gentle. Apply pressure, friction, and other kinds of touch in degrees. If your wife is also sexually inexperienced, things that she may later find pleasurable might be painful in the beginning. In order for a woman to enjoy sex, she needs to be aroused. The process of being aroused enough to enjoy manipulation of the clitoris or entrance into the vagina involves both physical and psychological components.  Plenty of flirting before the wedding night, and playful touch during, are important.

Taste:  Bring sweets to the nuptial suite. Feed your bride from your hands. Eat from hers, if she’ll allow. Feeding another person is one of the most basic and intimate acts of human kindness. It’s a less threatening way to get used to touching one another.

Scent:  Good hygiene is hot. While you’re likely to be expertly groomed for the big day, by the time the festivities are over you may require some freshening before the big night.  Make sure you’re clean, fresh-breathed and smelling good. Scent can be a powerful aphrodisiac. Ask her if she has a favorite scent. Maybe have her go to the mall and make a short list of men’s fragrances she likes. Then find one that you also like, and wear a little of it on your wedding night.

Good Sense:  Don’t expect your wedding night to be the night you first have intercourse.  The process of becoming aroused enough for enjoyable intercourse may take a while. Your first night together might include a lot of foreplay, maybe even orgasms for each of you, but that won’t necessarily mean your wife is ready for intercourse.  If your wife is very nervous or afraid–regardless of her previous experience– you may find intercourse difficult or impossible. Do not force the issue.  If she is not lubricated (wet) enough, intercourse can be anything from painful to damaging to impossible.  Enter only when she’s expressed clear, verbal permission that she is ready. Even then, be slow, controlled and gentle.

There is a lot of information about sex out there, although unfortunately, a lot of it assumes that you have experience. While its target audience is teenagers, Scarleteen is an excellent resource for information on all things sex. I highly recommend you begin with this sex and pleasure 101 post and work your way around the site according to your interests and curiosity.

With love and prayers for a blessed marriage.

Shy Desi Boy replies:

Many congrats to you “Clueless about my wedding night” – I wish you and your wife all the happiness and blessings.

I fully understand and empathize with your nervousness and I salute you for admitting this. That is such an important, critical step. Most guys cover up their nervousness with machismo and as a result fail to be as compassionate as they should be to their spouse. So the fact that you are asking if there is anything you should/should not do means that you already are being mindful of your partner’s feelings.

Weddings are often stressful, exhausting affairs. Your wedding might be the last of a multi-night celebration. This may not be taxing physically or emotionally on you but for the bride, it can be grueling. A wedding may also be a moment of sadness—yes you are embarking on a beautiful, sacred journey but if this is the first time your spouse has ever lived away from her parents she might be feeling a mixture of conflicting emotions.

When I got married (I am divorced now), we were both too tired to have sex on wedding night. So we spent the evening praying for people who asked us to pray for them, especially those who were not married but very much wanted to find a partner. We actually ended up not having sex until perhaps a week into our marriage because we spent the first week of our marriage just getting to know what pleased the other person.

But if you both have the energy, here are my thoughts:

First, be prepared. Your spouse may already be on birth control, but please do bring condoms just in case. Consider trying on the condoms in advance so that on the wedding night you have a sense of how to open a condom packet, how to put it on, and what size of condom you require.  Even if you know she is on birth control, she might feel more comfortable the first time if you use a condom too. Also buy a bottle of lubricant—I prefer any lubricant that is water-based, like Good Clean Love’s Almost Naked. If you do have sex, consider applying this on yourself and your partner’s genitals, especially if either of you are dry. Again, this might not be the right thing for you but it is always good to have extra supplies nearby to be comfortable. Oh, and lubricants can be  a bit sticky so do have Kleenex nearby the bed.

Second, go very, very slow. I recommend you begin by massaging your wife. A massage is a great way to learn where your wife likes to be touched—and where you like to be touched too. Youtube is a great place to learn massage techniques and because Youtube blocks explicit images, most of the content is quite halal to view.

Third, communicate. When something feels good, say it. Give positive feedback. If something hurts, tell her but say it very gently. This is about exploring and any exploration often involves, uh, wrong turns.

Fourth, if your massage does lead to intercourse (as many good massages do between couples), then do not be shy about experimenting with different positions. She might be more comfortable with her on top or perhaps both of you laying side to side.

Fifth, think about your own pleasures. This is the one thing that has taken me a long time to realize. When I used to have sex, I kept worrying and thinking about what would make my partner happy and I never thought to ask myself what pleases me. But I am getting better and my sex life is much richer and mutually satisfactory because I now have the confidence to express what pleases me.

Sixth, and perhaps most important, do not be surprised if sex is not what you expected. That is ok. It will get better, inshAllah.

The goal your first time being intimate is to make your wife feel comfortable, to make yourself comfortable, and to build a foundation of trust that will continue to grow. Wishing you my best.

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