The Twisted Evil

I write a lot here on the blog about Debi Pearl’s Created To Be His Help Meet and Michael Pearl’s To Train Up A Child. I think it’s important to remember that there are people who wholeheartedly believe and follow both books. This isn’t some abstract thing. For these individuals and families, this is real life. And the things the Pearls say—things that are, I might add, actually quite widespread in fundamentalist Christian circles far beyond the Pearls themselves—shape the directions of people’s lives and the way they raise their children. I was reminded this by two recent blog posts.

***Trigger warning for spousal abuse and child abuse.***

In the first blog post, Dulce writes about a friend of hers:

Her eyes are blank and there is a pool of blood spreading around her face on the floor.  I wake up wanting to vomit and check her Facebook page repeatedly until I see a post.  The relief is incomplete because she and I both know that one day it might not be a dream.  Her children’s faces—so close in ages to mine—rise in my heart, and I pray.


Something in her voice was off.  “Well, it couldn’t really be rape.  After all, they were married.  She knew when she married him that sex was part of it.”  It seemed like we were discussing a newspaper case at the time.  But years later I can still remember the oddness in her voice and I wonder.


It’s the kids, you see.  She can protect them just a bit right now, deflect his rages, and watch that he doesn’t go too far with them.  If she left, who would be there to get between them?


“God hates divorce.”  Heaviness and resignation in her voice, she asks what the church congregation would think if the pastor’s wife left.  “It would be like a slap in the face to God.  I just need to be more submissive and try harder.  If I can just praise and affirm him more, and show him that I respect him…men need that, you know…”


Everyone else at the table shifts uncomfortably at his “joke” that is yet another jab at her.  She doesn’t seem to notice and gets up to refill his drink again.

Read the rest.

And in the second blog post, Samantha writes about her own childhood:

I sat on the couch in the nursery, playing with some loose threads while I watched Mrs. Grace* entertain the baby on her lap. She’d been playing peekabo for the past few minutes when she suddenly saw the baby, Anna*, notice her necklace. It was an antique pendant watch with delicate scroll work, and Anna seem fascinated by the movement of the hands. Mrs. Grace dangled the pendant in front of her, telling her “it’s ok, you can touch it, go ahead.”

I watched as Anna turned to look at her mother who was sitting across the room. Mrs. Dianna slowly shook her head, pursed her lips, frowned, and made a subtle wagging motion with her index finger. Anna turned back to look at Mrs. Grace and very seriously shook her head.

I sat there, impressed and in awe. Anna was an infant– just a few months old! How had Mrs. Dianna done that? I marveled. It was amazing what consistent discipline could do!


When I was sixteen, I got into an argument with a boy at church. He was a public school student in a church that idolized homeschooling and had been severely mocked for it by most of the kids at church. He’d called homeschoolers uneducated idiots, I’d called public school students homicidal maniacs, and we’d ended up yelling at each other and then not speaking for the rest of the night—or the week.

The next week the ride home from church was dead silent. I could tell that my father was angry about something, but I had no idea what, although I had the sense that it was directed at me in some way. When we got home we went straight to the bedroom and he pulled out a yardstick and told me to bend over. He told me that I was being punished for being cruel to a boy at church, which left me confused and frightened. I had no idea what he was talking about. I protested and tried to explain my confusion, but it didn’t matter. I received a spanking—and, true to the Pearl’s methods, he continued spanking me until I displayed repentance and contrition and all signs of rebellion were gone.

He broke six yardsticks over me, eventually switching to his leather belt. The spanking went on for forever, because I continued to say that I was innocent, and that was rebellion. The next day, I couldn’t sit down, and when I looked in the mirror I saw that I was beginning to bruise– badly. It was the first and only time a spanking had ever left a mark, and it left me with a vague sense of pride that I’d endured so much.

A few days later, when I was sitting on the edge of my seat, leaning forward, at the dinner table, my father grew frustrated. “What are you doing that for? Stop being so melodramatic.”

I calmly explained that I couldn’t sit down normally, and I saw my father’s eyes widen. He told my mother to look at me, and when we emerged from their bathroom, my mom looked at my dad– but I couldn’t read her expression. “I think her tailbone is broken.”

I watched my father’s face as it cracked. Horror burst into his eyes as they filled with tears. He pulled me into a fierce hug, and I could feel him cry into my hair. He apologized, over and over, begging my forgiveness.

I was confused as I stood in his arms, frozen and stiff. He’d done exactly the right thing. He’d done what I’d been trained to believe was the only possible way to “train up a child in the way he should go.” He was only doing the best possible thing for my spiritual well-being.

Read the rest.

As Samantha goes on to say:

Telling these stories, today, however, I’m trying not to cry. Because, looking back, I can see the twisted evil of everything I witnessed and experienced.

Real people. Real lives.

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Lesbian Duplex 176: An Open Thread

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  • Alexis

    And words on a page can only tell so much.

  • Rilian Lunsford

    Maybe I should stop reading these. Reading about abuse of any kind makes me think of him.

    • Armanatar

      Upvoting didn’t send quite the right message, so posting instead.

      *hug* Do whatever you need to do. There’s no one right answer to this sort of thing. My heart goes out to you, and I hope things get better, whatever you do.

  • Real rage. I need to learn to start *taking the hint* when I see a trigger warning. My fists itch now…and in light of what I’ve just read, that’s put the guilt into me too.

  • guest

    Fuck everything.

  • Renee Martin

    Wow. Abuse is bad enough as it is, but how hard can it be that it happens because of a twisted idea of righteousness. yuck. Makes me wanna cry.

  • Rosa

    And it’s these real lives that the people preaching abuse ignore. Real lives, real damage.

    I am so impressed with any parent who sees the real negative effects and steps back instead of pushing on the way they’ve been taught. And I think sharing these stories helps – the parents who are just starting out, like you were when you stopped, adn the parents who are already hip-deep but still in touch enough to see.

    And also, the people who echo the same words as the twisted evil teachers, but don’t mean it. Who talk about “discipline” and mean actual discipline, not child beating, but won’t say a word against the ones who are beating and pinching and hairpulling. The ones who use the “all of us are worthless sinners” without meaning their own beautiful, valued, esteemed children – but don’t know they have to SAY that to others who are listening to the exact same teachings but taking them more to heart.

  • Richter_DL

    What a sick, disgusting, horrible, profoundly wrong and evil parallel society this is. Too bad America doesn’t consider them and the people they spoil, who encourage and follow them, criminals, but shining examples of morality, more often than not.

  • I watched my father’s face as it cracked. Horror burst into his eyes as
    they filled with tears. He pulled me into a fierce hug, and I could feel
    him cry into my hair. He apologized, over and over, begging my

    One thing that struck me about the Homeschoolers Anonymous series on the Pearl method, and many other discussions on the same, was the deep regret of parents who applied the method only to realize they’d hurt their children and damaged the parent-child relationship.

    Obviously the real victims are the children and not the parents, since the parents had far more agency and responsibility, but it shows that there’s no such thing as one-sided injustice, no such thing as emerging intact and whole while inflicting pain on the vulnerable.

    Doing injustice either hurts you or twists you up–and you’d better hope to God you end up hurting and hurting a lot, because you can move beyond the pain to be a better person. On the other hand, when you close your fist tight around your mistakes to protect your pride you end up strangling your own soul.

    It’s the difference between being a repentant sinner and a whited sepulcher. We know how Jesus felt about each, the person who is experiencing growing pains and the person who has sacrificed the stirrings of growth on the altar of his arrogance.

  • TLC

    I cannot imagine the brute force it takes to break someone’s talbone with a yarstick and belt. And I cannot imagine the pain of healing from this, both physically and emotionally.

    I pray that someday the Pearls have the opportunity to feel every ounce of paun and terror that’s been dished out to children whose parents have read and followed these books.

  • And what of the children who grow up and believe this is the “right way” to raise their own children?

    Literally dozens of times I have debated this issue with live people in front of me, and every single one of them says, “My daddy beat me, and I turned out all right.”

    Yes, he did. And no, you didn’t.

    • Ms Morlowe

      Another thing is that a lot of people don’t finish that sentence: yes, you turned out alright. But because of or despite the beatings?

    • Kiya

      I think that this is where I got lucky- I was abused, and I at least know that my first reaction is likely not the best or healthiest reaction, which has the added benefit of making me slow down and think about what I’m going to do or say. I know that I’m messed up mentally and emotionally, and I’m working to fix it.

  • Kathleen Margaret Schwab

    Chidren who defend what the parents do are the most damaged by it. I’m not sure which comes first, the one who is hurt deeply moves to defend what happened, or the one who buys into it most deeply gets hurt deeply.
    It certainly isn’t confined to evangelical Christianity. I have a cousin who grew up with an abusive father, married an abusive man, and sees no connection between the two. She eventually left the abusive husband, but she defends her father’s actions as Tough Love. We are talking about a man who threw his wife and the chair she was sitting on to the floor, got on top of her and beat her in the face in front of the kids, and who threw her down the stairs when she was pregnant, causing her to go into labor. That baby was the cousin in question, born prematurely. When he threw her into the deep end of the pool to teach her to swim, i was truly frightened, because he had throw her (inside her mother) down the stairs, and she could have died. I felt like he was trying to finish the job. But he laughed about it, and her mother jumped in with all her clothes on and rescued my cousin because she couldn’t swim.