Happy 4th!

As you probably have guessed, I will be pretty scarce till Monday due to our National Birthday Party.  Here in America, the Land of Freedom, (ably demonstrated by Harry Potter cast members speaking the Language of Freedom)…

…we celebrate something called the Fourth of July. Other countries do not have a Fourth of July due to tyranny and ignorance. Their calendars actually go straight from July 3 to July 5, necessitating very complex adjustments in both the global computing system and the global economy. It was for this reason that the Vatican found it necessary to adjust calendars with leap years and slow down the earth’s rotation by means of leftover V-2 missiles placed strategically around the globe with their engines pointed west. Every four years these rockets are fired and their combined thrust slows the earth’s rotation down enough that other countries catch up with the more advanced United States and our calendars sync up again. The government denies this. But then, they would.

Anyway, living here in the Land of Freedom Guarded by Vatican Nazi Rockets, I will once again be celebrating the Fourth of July, which is the anniversary of the day we in America threw off the yoke of the Canadian Prison Empire to our north and proclaimed ourselves to be free. On this day, we drink beer and refuse to say, “eh” and tell the old stories of how John Adams and Thomas Jefferson held off the terrible Canadian Legions with fireworks as they attacked Valley Forge and tried to force us to drink tea brewed with salt water from Boston Harbor.

We also (all of us) go to my brother’s house on a lake composed entirely of water, where we receive the ceremonial Spare Rib of Liberty and an Approved Flotation Device. Then, as my brother’s blues band sets up on the lawn and wails for two sets, we eat the rib, drink the beer and thank God for our home.

If you foreign non-American people have homes too, then may God bless your home as well! Shea out!