Happy 4th!

As you probably have guessed, I will be pretty scarce till Monday due to our National Birthday Party.  Here in America, the Land of Freedom, (ably demonstrated by Harry Potter cast members speaking the Language of Freedom)…

…we celebrate something called the Fourth of July. Other countries do not have a Fourth of July due to tyranny and ignorance. Their calendars actually go straight from July 3 to July 5, necessitating very complex adjustments in both the global computing system and the global economy. It was for this reason that the Vatican found it necessary to adjust calendars with leap years and slow down the earth’s rotation by means of leftover V-2 missiles placed strategically around the globe with their engines pointed west. Every four years these rockets are fired and their combined thrust slows the earth’s rotation down enough that other countries catch up with the more advanced United States and our calendars sync up again. The government denies this. But then, they would.

Anyway, living here in the Land of Freedom Guarded by Vatican Nazi Rockets, I will once again be celebrating the Fourth of July, which is the anniversary of the day we in America threw off the yoke of the Canadian Prison Empire to our north and proclaimed ourselves to be free. On this day, we drink beer and refuse to say, “eh” and tell the old stories of how John Adams and Thomas Jefferson held off the terrible Canadian Legions with fireworks as they attacked Valley Forge and tried to force us to drink tea brewed with salt water from Boston Harbor.

We also (all of us) go to my brother’s house on a lake composed entirely of water, where we receive the ceremonial Spare Rib of Liberty and an Approved Flotation Device. Then, as my brother’s blues band sets up on the lawn and wails for two sets, we eat the rib, drink the beer and thank God for our home.

If you foreign non-American people have homes too, then may God bless your home as well! Shea out!

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  • Evan

    “a lake composed entirely of water”?!?
    What is this strange, new wonder!

    • TheRealAaron

      I suspect Mark also drinks beer comprised entirely of water, explaining why he doesn’t like the stuff. 🙂

      • Cojuanco

        Aye. Say what you want about the liberals, they make better beer than the mass market brands.

        • not frank capra

          True and even in their bars, mirabile dictu, (and from a certain miraculous point of view) every time a bell rings
          “an angel gets angelic wings”, angels having more patience with the sad negative aspects of 21st century liberalism than the rest of us

        • JF

          One doesn’t have to be a liberal to make better beer than mass-market “beer”.

  • Wait. On this day, Shea drinks beer? !!!

    • chezami

      No. But normal people do. I have a special dispensation from the Pope.

      • Michael in ArchDen

        I resent the implication that there is anything normal about my beer-drinking! It is, in fact, extraordinary!!

        • Rebecca Fuentes

          I drink extraordinary beer, if that counts.

  • Marthe Lépine

    In my country, we beat you to the celebrations: our Canada Day is July 1st. – and my own day is July 3rd!

    • Newp Ort

      Happy Canada Day, belatedly. Hope the poutine was excellent. And I hope you enjoy your day all day long!

  • Newp Ort

    Happy Dependence Day to all you Limey readers! As I’m led to understand you pretend today to still have all the old colonies, let me add to the verisimilitude by whining about all these taxes and that Redcoat taking up space in my house. Here’s hoping you all find at least one Scot to chuckle over and Irishman to spit upon!

  • Colin Gormley

    >It was for this reason that the Vatican found it necessary to adjust calendars with leap years and slow down the earth’s rotation by means of leftover V-2 missiles placed strategically around the globe with their engines pointed west.

    This is so cool you want it to be true.

    • R Flaum

      To nitpick: the rockets should be pointed east, if they’re to oppose the Earth’s rotation.

      • chezami

        They are. The engines are pointed west.

        • R Flaum

          Ah, they’re free to move? I was picturing it with the rockets anchored to the Earth.

          …However, if they’re free to move, then the whole thing should have no effect on the Earth’s rotation at all, since the rocket exhaust would be moving in an equal and opposite… I’m overthinking this, aren’t I?

          ETA: that is, assuming we’re talking about due west/east. If they were pointed upward at an angle then oh who cares

  • michigancatholic

    A lake composed entirely of water? Mark, are you getting paid by the word now?

  • JF

    Some of us Americans say “eh”. You never been very far up in da middle nort uh dah country, eh?