The Mormon Therapist
I am suffering from several sexual disorders resulting from early past experiences (purely psychological, not physical)–primarily situational arousal/anorgasmia disorder. I’ve been doing a lot of research and think I understand all the why’s of what I am experiencing, but the suggested treatments I find often go against my religious values and actually encourage the exact situations and behaviors that are the root of the problem. I am desperate to change the associations in my brain and be able to have a semblance of a normal intimate relationship with my husband, if it is at all possible anymore. I find that both the cause and the possible treatments are/would be intimately related to my religious background and values. But I live in an area of the country where it is highly unlikely for me to find a sex therapist who has similar values. Do you know of any individuals or organizations who deal with lds sexual problems that I can contact long-distance? If you have any suggestions, I would be very grateful. Thanks for your time.
- Although there can be some suggested treatments that can be seen as against LDS values (i.e. watching stimulating sex videos that are meant to be educational but can be deemed pornographic), my experience has been that most treatments regarding sex therapy are not inappropriate. Much of sex therapy treatment has to do with relaxation techniques, communication skills between spouses, exploring past triggers that could be causing current problems, sexual and anatomical education, challenging negative cognitive thoughts, self-esteem work, etc. I would want to know more about what you are specifically finding inappropriate to better answer your question. I suspect that things you are finding inappropriate, may in fact not be – but that instead, the way you have come to be educated about your sexuality may be a large part of the underlying problem. This is not uncommon for people who are raised in religiously devout homes or environments.
- I do not think it is necessary to find an LDS sex therapist in order to find someone who will respect your values. You would have to do some interviewing of professionals in your area, but I am sure you could find someone whom you could find useful (aasect.org is a good resource to help you find someone geographically close). My only concern would be that a non-LDS therapist would suggest an exercise that an LDS therapist would also agree with – but if your religious boundaries are excessively rigid, you may just write them off as not being in tune with your values. That is why I would want to have a clearer idea of what you’re considering as inappropriate treatments.
- Your statement of “if it is at all possible anymore” is a red flag to me pointing towards the fact that you may already have or are close to giving up. I do realize that changing sexual habits, thought patterns, and desires can be challenging and difficult. I also realize that it can seem like an easier choice to just not try and keep the status quo. However, I can’t emphasize enough the importance your sexuality holds within your marriage and even individually for you. Any attempted change is difficult. But we have an expectation in our faith of being willing to do the things needed in order to improve upon the self and also within the sacred marital relationship. That can take the form of anger management, breaking habits of undue criticism, learning more effective communication skills, problem-solving, resolving financial issues, etc. Being willing to work on our sexual relationship is just as important as any of these other areas. I would hope that you will find the courage, hope, and open mind needed to continue in your search for resolutions to this important facet of your and your husband’s lives. I am highly encouraged that you seem willing to do so. Change, progression and growth are ALWAYS possible.
- Although I am not a sex therapist, I could still be a resource to you in this area – at least as a starting place. You can follow the directions listed on the left side of the blog on how to contact me if you are interested. Another LDS resource would be Laura Brotherson’s site and book, And They Were Not Ashamed. If you are looking for sexual accessories/education without running into inappropriate material, simplysweetmarriage.com is also a good resource.
It can be difficult to treat anorgasmia. Your treatment plan will depend on the underlying cause of your symptoms, but your doctor may recommend a combination of these tactics:
Lifestyle changes and therapy
For most women, treatment means more than medications. It’s important to address relationship issues and everyday stressors. Understanding your body and trying different types of sexual stimulation also can help.
- Understand your body better. Understanding your own anatomy and how you like to be touched can lead to better sexual satisfaction. If you need a refresher course on your genital anatomy, ask your doctor for a diagram or get out a mirror and look. Then take some time to explore your own body. Masturbating or using a vibrator can help you discover what type of touching feels best to you, and then you can share that information with your partner. If you’re uncomfortable with self-exploration, try exploring your body with your partner.
- Increase sexual stimulation. Many women who’ve never had an orgasm aren’t getting enough effective sexual stimulation. Most women need direct or indirect stimulation of the clitoris in order to orgasm, but not all women realize this. Switching sexual positions can produce more clitoral stimulation during intercourse; some positions also allow for you or your partner to gently touch your clitoris during sex. Using a vibrator during sex can also help trigger an orgasm.
- Seek couples counseling. Conflicts and disagreements in your relationship can zap your ability to orgasm. A counselor can help you work through disagreements and tensions and get your sex life back on track.
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Try sex therapy. Sex therapists are therapists who specialize in treating sexual problems. You may be embarrassed or nervous about seeing a sex therapist, but sex therapists can be very helpful in treating anorgasmia. Therapy often includes sex education, help with communication skills, and behavioral exercises that you and your partner try at home.
For example, you and your partner may be asked to practice “sensate focus” exercises, a specific set of body-touching exercises that teach you how to touch and pleasure your partner without worrying about orgasm. Or you and your partner may learn how to combine a situation that allows you to achieve orgasm — such as clitoral stimulation — with a situation in which you want to achieve orgasm, such as intercourse. By using these techniques and others, you may learn to view orgasm as one pleasurable part of sexual intimacy, not the whole goal of every sexual encounter.
Medical treatments
Hormone therapies aren’t a guaranteed fix for anorgasmia. But they can help. So can treating underlying medical conditions.
- Treating underlying conditions. If a medical condition is hindering your ability to orgasm, treating the underlying cause may resolve your problem. Changing or modifying medications known to inhibit orgasm may also eliminate your symptoms.
- Estrogen therapy. Systemic estrogen therapy — by pill, patch or gel — can have a positive effect on brain function and mood factors that affect sexual response. Local estrogen therapy — in the form of a vaginal cream or a slow-releasing suppository or ring that you place in your vagina — can increase blood flow to the vagina and help improve desire. In some cases, your doctor may prescribe a combination of estrogen and progesterone.
- Testosterone therapy. Male hormones, such as testosterone, play an important role in female sexual function, even though testosterone occurs in much lower amounts in a woman. As a result, testosterone may help increase orgasm, especially if estrogen and progesterone aren’t helping. However, replacing testosterone in women is controversial and it’s not approved by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for sexual dysfunction in women. Plus, it can cause negative side effects, including acne, excess body hair (hirsutism), and mood or personality changes. Testosterone seems most effective for women with low testosterone levels as a result of surgical removal of the ovaries (oophorectomy). If you choose to use this therapy, your doctor will closely monitor your symptoms and blood levels to make sure you’re not experiencing negative side effects.
- Herbal supplements. Herbal lubricants, such as Zestra, may help some women. These products help warm the clitoris and may increase sexual arousal and orgasm.
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