how to send someone to Hell

sheep and goats cartoon by nakedpastor david hayward
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Here’s exactly how you tell someone they’re going to Hell without actually telling them they’re going to Hell.

  1. Describe goats. 
  2. Explain how, biblically, goats have bad history.
  3. Goats go to the left.
  4. Those remaining on the right go to Heaven.
  5. Those on the left go to Hell.

Now, if those on the left complain that you are telling them they’re going to Hell, you just tell them that, no, they happen to be on the left, and those on the left happen to be going to Hell. Don’t take it personally. I didn’t make the rules. And it’s your fault that you find yourself on the left. This is just procedure. Sorry.

That way you don’t have to take personal responsibility for personally telling someone they are going to Hell.

Like Pilate, your hands are clean!

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  • Amy

    But you left out the part where they try to explain WHY the goats go to hell. I’ve had that conversation, and it looks like this:
    They: See? Proof you have to believe to go to heaven.
    Me: But Jesus wasn’t even talking about religion here. He was talking about social justice.
    They: But it’s the same thing, because only Real True Christians will be kind to others. Non-Christians don’t know how to do that.
    Me: *headdesk*

  • Brian

    long ago I read this definition of a diplomat: someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip…

  • that WOULD be a good diplomat!

  • Nice!

  • Jesus spoke of hell…so I guess there probably is one.

    He told us that’s none of our business, though (deciding who is going there and who is not).

    I do find it very comforting, though, that the One who will be judging who goes where, is the same one who forgave us from the Cross and who died for us.

    Thanks, David.