News Flash for Vatican Mistresses: If He Wanted to Marry You, He Would.


The Vatican Mistresses, a group of 26 women who either are or want to be having sexual affairs with Catholic priests, sent a letter to Pope Francis asking him to allow their lovers to marry them.

This isn’t the first time a group of women who are having affairs with priests have written a pope. Pope Benedict got a similar letter. 

I could respond to this in quite a few ways, but I think I’ll focus on the fantasy life of these women. Evidently they, along with their sisters who wrote the earlier letter, have bought the lie their boyfriends are telling them. They believe that these guys want to marry them, and are dissuaded from doing so because … well … because they are priests who have taken some sort of vow.

First of all, ladies, if these guys were all that serious about their vows, you wouldn’t be writing this letter in the first place. The reason? You wouldn’t be having an affair with the guy, and neither would anybody else.

Second, if he wanted to marry you, he would.

So far as I know, there aren’t any bishops standing outside parish rectories with AK-47s, keeping your boyfriends locked inside. They can leave any time they want.

They don’t leave because they’ve got a good deal. They have all the respect and adulation that Catholics heap on their priests, the immense authority and freedom of action that is part and parcel of being a pastor, and lots of boys’ nights out and camaraderie with the other priests. Their bills are paid, the health insurance is up to date and gifts and goodies from adoring parishioners rain down on them steadily.

And they’ve got you on the side.

In the words of Dustin Hoffman’s character in Little Big Man, they’re not just playing Indian, they’re living Indian. Or, as we say it here in Oklahoma, they’ve got a bird’s nest on the ground.

The person whose life is truncated is you, girlfriend. The person who is paying the price for this whole affair is, well, you. You are the one who has taken herself off the dating market to languish in the shadows. Your lover is standing at the front of the church, holding the Host aloft while the choir sings Amen. He’s the belle of the ball, and you are the little match girl, looking in.

If he wants to marry you, he can do it. He just doesn’t want to.

Because he’s got it pretty good as things are.

So, ladies, my advice to you is to stop being stupid. Let your collared lover find himself someone else to believe him. Stop gathering at closed Facebook pages to support one another in this waste of your lives. Don’t write any more letters to the Pope.

Dump you boyfriend and get on with the business of looking for a man who is willing and capable of loving you back out in the sunshine, in front of the whole wide world.

Stop thinking that Pope Francis is the reason you’re living like this. Because Pope Francis has nothing to do with it. You’re deluding yourselves ladies, and that alone is the reason for your dilemma.

If he wanted to marry you, he would.

From The Daily Beast:

A group of women claiming to be the secret paramours of priests have written to Pope Francis to urge him to roll back the church’s celibacy requirements.

A popular pontiff, Pope Francis receives hundreds of letters every day—but a recent one, signed by 26 women who would like his permission to have sex with their priest-boyfriends, was undoubtedly not like most of the others.

The letter, published on Vatican Insider website on Sunday, began with a plea for the pontiff to take heart and make celibacy optional for the signatories’ paramours, who happen to be priests. “Dear Pope Francis, we are a group of women from all over Italy (and further afield) and are writing to you to break down the wall of silence and indifference that we are faced with every day,” wrote the women (who signed with their first names and a last initial). “Each of us is in, was or would like to start a relationship with a priest we are in love with.” Their phone numbers were also apparently made available in case the pope would like to call the women.

The women, who reportedly met up on a closed Facebook group, say they represent only a “small sample” of an apparently large group of secret lovers of priests. According to Vatican Insider, the letter noted, “a lot has been said by those who are in favour of optional celibacy but very little is known about the devastating suffering of a woman who is deeply in love with a priest. We humbly place our suffering at your feet in the hope that something may change, not just for us, but for the good of the entire Church.”

The women admitted that they knew it was wrong to enter into amorous relationships with priests, and implied that, at least to some extent the priests respected their vows of chastity, but added, “in most cases, despite all efforts to renounce it, one cannot manage to give up such a solid and beautiful bond. Unfortunately, this brings with it all the pain of not being able to live it fully.”

  • Theodore Seeber

    “First of all, ladies, if these guys were all that serious about their vows, you wouldn’t be writing this letter in the first place. The reason? You wouldn’t be having an affair with the guy, and neither would anybody else.”

    Right on. Why would anybody trust a person who breaks their vows? I feel the same way about divorce.

    • Nick_from_Detroit

      I completely agree, Mr. Seeber. Mrs. Hamilton makes an excellent point.
      This is the same mentality that blames the Church’s teaching against condom use for the spread of AIDS in Africa, or, Her teaching against contraceptives in general for unwanted pregnancies and abortion.

      This cognitive dissonance rationale requires one to believe that people who have decided to fornicate, commit adultery, and engage in homosexual acts, acts which the Church has always taught are grave sins, these same people who have decided to violate the 6th Commandment, then decide to follow the Church’s prohibition against condoms and contraceptives.
      Who thinks like that?

      • Theodore Seeber

        Exactly- same problem.

      • Almario Javier

        More common than you think. Think The Godfather.

    • Almario Javier

      Pretty much. He’s already doing it to the Church – how can you be sure he’s not going to do the same to you?

      It’s not in this case about married priests, it’s about men who have a prolonged inability to honor their vows.

      • Theodore Seeber

        I argue the same whenever somebody brings up the celibacy rule for priests- there is NO evidence that married priests have a lower rate of clergy abuse.

  • Linda_LaScola

    Maybe some of the priests are using the vocation as an excuse not to marry, but my research with clergy tells me that the pull of institutional religion is very strong with clergy of all denominations. Many are fearful of doing anything that could upset the all-encompassing life that being clergy entails. They don’t just lose their jobs, they may lose their family and friends as well.

  • fredx2

    1) Is there any evidence that these people really have been having affairs with priests? Somehow I doubt it. More likely this is an ill conceived attempt by some progressive Catholics to gain sympathy for one of their pet ideas.
    Note also that the group includes those who “would like to have” affairs with priests. So in essence any woman enamored of her priest would be eligible for membership in this group.
    2) If the group had sent the letter to the Pope, that would be one thing. But they apparently contacted a newspaper so that the “news” of the letter could be broadcast to the media. So this sounds more like a shabby media strategy than anything else.
    3) The women wrote “This continuous giving and then letting go is soul destroying. When this enormous pain leads to a definitive separation, the consequences are no less devastating and both parties are often scarred for life,” I don’t know how to interpret this as anything other than “I am sinning by fooling around with a priest. Please feel sorry for me and tell me this is OK”

    • Mary E.

      Point #1 is what I have been thinking since I heard the news earlier this week. I just got around to reading the letter as posted on Vatican Insider (it’s been that kind of week). The letter characterizes this group as “in [a relationship], was [in a relationship] or would like to start a relationship with a priest we are in love with.” I suspect the third group, the wannabes,is the largest one. It is easy to project romantic fantasies on priests, teachers, and similar authority figures who one sees regularly, but in a controlled environment, and for brief periods of time. He says inspirational things; he seems to be so well- prepared and composed; he is SO sensitive and responsive. Because . . .that’s his job.

      I remember one of my college professors who taught poetry, though I’ve forgotten his name. One day, he said, “People often tell me, ‘Oh, Professor Smith, you are SO sensitive. I wish my husband was more like you! He is so thoughtless sometimes!” I tell them, “I bet you I’m a lot more like your husband than you realize.” Because, he explained, “They see me at my best. They don’t see what I’m like at home.”

      There are many lonely women out there, and I truly feel for them. But these women are headed in the wrong direction.

  • SisterCynthia

    They are under the same delusion as mistresses of thousands of other men: “He loves me, but we are kept apart by (fill in lie supplied by duplicitous weasel).” Pretty pitiful, really, that we humans insist so often on buying obvious lies because we would rather do that than face the truth. :(

    • FW Ken

      “duplicitous weasel”.

      I like that. ☺

    • Manny

      LOL. Love can change perception of reality.

  • Mrshopey

    Yup. Knowing the unfortunate reality of those who cheat, I was expecting some of these to bump into other lovers of the same priest. They may not have reported that tho.

  • FW Ken

    This falls under the heading of “if he’ll do it with you, he’ll do it to you.”

    I don’t suppose these women know the history of clerical celibacy. For the first thousand years, and still in the east, married men were ordained. Ordained men have never been allowed to marry, at least in the ancient Churches. If a permanent Deacon is widowed, he can’t re-marry. If one of these Anglican priests is widowed. Same thing.

  • Linda_LaScola

    Perhaps some priests are simply avoiding a marriage they don’t really want, but based on the research I’ve done with clergy, I bet that’s not the case of all of them. Religious life can be all encompassing and revealing yourself as not entirely with the program can be very threatening to some clergy. It’s not just their livelihood that’s threatened; it’s their whole way of life. They risk losing family and friends, as well as their jobs, if they are straightforward about beliefs that don’t match the hierarchical or public view of what they should be.

    • margaret1910

      Hmm, well, here’s the thing. I’m not doubting your research, but it comes down to the same thing. Something is more important than marrying these women. It doesn’t matter what, really. If they want to marry, they will.

  • Manny

    The Priest’s Mistress Club. Sounds like a title for an erotic Romance novel. :) These women are shallow. How can you be in love with someone who does not return that love? What they are having is an infatuation.

  • ImTim

    Sharp but accurate. Well done, Representative.

    A man who doesn’t keep his vows to God won’t keep his promises to his girlfriend..

  • pagansister

    I taught with a woman who had been a nun. She met her husband when he came to the convent to visit his “Sister, the Sister”. I also taught with a woman who had entered the convent to be a nun, but never took her final vows. She left, not for marriage and still isn’t married, but because she decided she preferred to handle her own money, etc. Both are devote Catholics, but decided not to continue the religious life. I expect that perhaps some men also decide that being a priest isn’t for them after awhile.

    • FW Ken

      That’s very true. 30 years ago, I worked with two men who had been priests and left, not over celibacy, but obedience. Both married eventually; I attended Bob’s wedding, presided over by yet another fellow who left the priesthood and married a nun. In fact, I was invited to a retreat of men and women who had been religious. I regret not going.

      In the case of the priests in this posting, nothing indicates that they are interested in leaving the priesthood. They just want the collar and the skirt both.

      • pagansister

        I agree. The priests mentioned here want to have their cake and eat it too! :-)

    • Manny

      That’s understandable. I could never be a priest. But there is something yucky about these women who are drawn to priests. It seems like an attraction for something taboo, which means it’s not really of the heart.

      • pagansister

        Yes, the women do appear at least, to find it “exciting” to be in a relationship with a person who should be “off limits” if you will.

    • Fabio Paolo Barbieri

      I pretty much did.

    • africanfada

      am sure that if many priests knew what they know now years before their ordination they would have opted out. Becoming a catholic priest is a decision no one should take before the age of forty-five years. The greatest challenge you face is when you cannot quit the vocation because of cultural, family, society, environmental bonds and assessments and yet you continuously live sex-filled life. You know you are just but a cheap cheat who cannot take the bulls by the horn. Even your academic formation does not even guarantee you a good life outside of the free-gift life of the priesthood. Everyman created by God needs to fulfil his sexuality without offending God and hiding.The celibate rule of the church has not succeeded in making priests live better but may have succeeded in making them live fully their sexual life hiding and in scandal. Let celibacy be optional.