Your never delayed, but always on time, weekly apocalypse, in eight points:
1. The latest discovery of Jesus’s wife has overshadowed the much more serious and credible discovery of the city of Atlantis, unreported by the always-biased media, where a scroll is said to exist proving definitively that Jesus also had a husband along with several pets, among them a camel who had a phobia of passing through small, tight entrances.
2. The University of Notre Dame will honor Kevin Miller, a biologist and evolution advocate at Brown University, with the 2014 Laetare Medal.
3. With the Clinton and Bush brand names back in presidential vogue, the very loud, annoying, and mostly stupid, Tea Party and Occupy Wall Street populist movements will begin making very bad and sentimental documentaries of their respective “political moments.”
5. The #CancelColbert hashtag was enormously successful, sending Stephen out of satirical character and into the most coveted spot of late night television.
6. Craig Ferguson is reported to be drunk and bitter and very Scottish at the moment.
7. Parisian international man of mystery, economics, and Catholic opinion, Pascal Emmanuel Gobry, has been spotted eating milk toast fried with sugar and egg (also known as “French toast”) with well-known open borders anarchist, Sam Rocha.
8. Protestants protest at being called protestants.