Your punctually tardy weekly apocalypse in eight points:
1. Pope Francis has decided to stop giving interviews and instead plans begin to taking them. Whoopi Goldberg, from The View, is reportedly atop his short list.
2. Arizona Republican congressional candidate, Adam Kwasman, mistook a bus of YMCA campers for immigrant children and Tweeted his displeasure to the relief of late night comedy writers everywhere.
3. President Obama, who holds the all-time record for immigrant deportations with nearly two-million and counting, is preparing to help unaccompanied Central American children at the US-Mexico border.
4. GOP activists object to calling Central Americans “American” because Amerigo Vespucci was a proto-Democrat.
5. Fresh-faced political newcomers, Hillary Clinton and Mitch Romney, filled with new ideas and promising futures, seem poised to lead their respective parties in the 2016 presidential election. The USA awaits a new era of vitality and hope.6. Humans of New York object to the overuse of their personal anecdotes and general humanity on Facebook.
7. Slavoj Zizek called Cornel West to ask for advice during his recent plagiarism accusations. West reportedly said, “Brother Zizek, the only way to be a serious activist is to stop writing all those books and inviting scandal. Raise your rates for speaking to 20k, record a bad CD of nonsense, and ally yourself to an obscure radio personality.”
8. An eight-year old Honduran child in a McAllen, TX shelter, who hadn’t slept or eaten in two days, revealed in an interview that he and his younger sister, who was too exhausted to comment, traveled to the US in order to register as Democrats as soon as possible, since they are only a decade away from (il)legal voting age.