There can be only one, The Jerk.

Hi, I’m The Jerk.

Some of you might remember me from the time I caused an international incident by making fun of a guy with bad hair.

You Die Now!

Man. I wish it was that reasonable.

For the uninitiated, here is the standard disclaimer: The Jerk is not Simcha. Simcha is not The Jerk. Happy? Fact is, Simcha is violating at least two conditions of her emplyment here at Patheos, and one restraining order by allowing me to post here. Suck it, Shea.

 

This is a violation of the Patheos Super Friends Pact!

Whatever, beardy. Maybe you can call my lawyer.

The deal is, normally, I review movies I particularly like; or movies you, the reader, wants me to review, or neither. Sometimes I just gotta go with my muse.

I have to say, it’s been strange moving over here to Patheos. Lots of stuff to get used to, like the special boxers we all have to wear. They call them underPathe-O’s around here. Scalia made it seem like the rubber undies are part of some technical deal for the blog to work, but I’m starting to have my doubts.

“Starting to have my doubts?” Sounds like someone is starting to be unemployed.

Alright, already.

Then there are the other bloggers. I mean, if I have to listen to MacDonald go on for another three hours about his “original in the box” SPACE 1999dolls, I may kill myself.

Erm, I think you meant to say action figures.

No, Tom. I did not.

And don’t even ask what Popcak’s into.

Can I give hints?

Brrrrrrrrrrrr.

All in all, it’s better than some …

Hey guys!

Hi Larry. Look, I’m kinda doing a thing here and …

Cool. Looks like fun. Can I hang out?

Sorry, we have a pretty strict “No Larrys Policiy.”

SCREW YOU GUYS! I hate you. I wouldn’t join if you asked me!

I didn’t.

On to the Movie!

I can never remember. Is it Highlander, or The Highlander? Who cares. It’s all awesome. Director Russell Mulchay (who later would bring us The Shadow) tells the tale of Connor McCloud, an Immortal, and his friend, Gay Sean Connery.

Say what, laddie?

C’mon. That hat got just an appointment to the Curia.

The movie does have a great cast. Connery looking for a paycheck; bad, bad Clancy Brown as the villain; and even a bit part played by the great Jon Polito. And it’s all brought together by the oddest leading man to emerge from the 1980s.

What do you mean by that?

Not you. I’m talking about Christopher Lambert. America’s answer to Rutger Hauer.

I prefer to think of myself as a blond Armand Assante.

Why? Why would anybody … Nevermind. Lambert has this unidentifiable European accent, and a kind of goofy blank stare. That’s pretty much the best thing you can say about his acting ability. He just stinks of second banana foreigner, even when he’s the leading man. I keep expecting late career Adam West to show up and take over the movie.

I was in many … European movies.

Yeah, European movies that played on Cinemax. Strangest Christopher Lambert factoid? He was born in America! Real Normal Joe.

I am regular like the apple pie and sour cream.

But get this, Sean Connery’s worst movies are still better than Christopher Lambert’s best, and this movie is both.

My mind is blown.

So, Lammy plays a Scotsman (?) who is really an Immortal. (I guess the “live forever” thing was supposed to be part of his accent. That’s the only way he makes sense, which is to say he doesn’t.) Immortals are dudes who can never die, unless you cut off their head. The only guys who seem to know about this head cutty-offy thing are other Immortals. All of this is told to him by Connery, who is playing an Egyptian!

Check out my sarcophagus.

.

Damnit Connery, put on some pants! This isn’t Zardoz.

The plot, as it is, involves all the Immortals getting together and cutting each other’s heads off. This is called “The Gathering.” Because “The Get-Together-To-Cut-Off-Heads” was a little too obvious, even for these screenwriters.

All of the Immortals have special powers that look like cheap blue animation that gets released when they die. That power then goes to the Immortal who killed them. Eventually, the last Immortal will have all the power of “The Quickening” and be able to rule the world.

I would make it illegal to be a meanie. Especially to people who are maybe a little bit cross eyed.

And you’re the hero? Huh.

For some reason, all the Immortals hate this guy called the Kurgan. He’s a ruthless Immortal out to kill everyone and get their power. Unlike the other Immortals who are waiting for kitchen accidents to take care of the opposition, I guess.

I do it I’m a bad guy. They do, they’re the good guys.

World ain’t fair, K-man.

Of course, the Big K and Lambda square off as the last two Immortals in the world. Of course, the Kurgan kidnaps the girl Lam-Man was dating. And of course, I usually stuggle to stay awake during the finale because at this point I’ve had like nine beers.

This is not a good movie by most objective standards. OK, all of them. The fact is, though, I kind of love it. The Queen soundtrack is awesome. The Kurgan is a fantastic movie villain. There are cool swords.

OK, I guess I have pretty low standards, but it’s still better than the sequel. You can safely ignore Highlander 2 and not miss anything.

Just like Pope Francis!

Hello, Patheos.

  • http://www.parafool.com/ victor

    What I like most about this blog is that most of the images have been resized in such a way that they’re somewhat consistently the same width.

    • Rebecca @ Shoved to Them

      Victor, I agree. The width of photos in blog posts is paramount to the quality of the post itself.

    • chezami

      I hear you, man. I hear you. So, so true.

  • Barbara Dawson Cobb

    What about the Higlander television series featuring Connor’s cousin, Duncan McCloud (of the clan McCloud)? It was actually pretty good, for a show about people getting beheaded.

    • Andy, Bad Person

      Actually, the baton has been passed. In the most recent Highlander movie, Duncan was forced to kill Connor so he could be powerful enough to beat the Big Bad Guy. No movie has been made since.

      • Beadgirl

        And with good reason. That was an awful, awful movie. As were all the other sequels. At least the first one was fun, if nonsensical.

  • Jeni

    Truth: The Jerk is who convinced me to follow Simcha’s blog a long ways back. I saw his witty retorts while lurking in the NC Register combox and I’ve been a-following her ever since. ;) Well that and the “about me” page sold me.

  • chezami

    Once in a generation, if we are lucky, there comes a Voice that speaks for that Generation. The Jerk is not that Voice. But I love him anyway.

  • Joseph Moore

    In a cosmic coincidence of epic proportions, a rupture in the space-time continuum a couple evenings ago resulted in me being home alone with a couple hours to kill. We have four kids and dog – this never happens. So what to do?

    Cruised Netflix. Highlander was available. I’d managed to miss this movie for almost 30 years, now I watch it and the Jerk reviews it within days. Cosmic.

    I spent much of the movie thinking one of a small set of thoughts:

    - Sean Freakin’ Connery is in this? Man, he must have owed somebody big time;
    - They blew most of the writing and special effects budget on location shots in Scotland. Scotland is beautiful. Writing and effects not so much;
    - He falls for *her*?!? The nosy, lying cop? After *centuries* of self-control? Why? She’s not even that good looking – a filthy-rich good looking Immortal can do better;
    - Couldn’t you maybe harpoon them to the wall first, to make cutting their heads off a little simpler? Or drop a net on them or something? The Epic Sword Fight approach seems a little unimaginative, given that you want to win and have had centuries to think about it.

    Anyway, I concur: this is pretty much a terrible movie by any reasonable standards, and I kind of liked anyway. (I was in denial about the Queen soundtrack – I kept thinking: that has got to be Queen – that cannot freakin’ be Queen.)

    • Andy, Bad Person

      Queen was asked to write a song for the soundtrack, and legend has it that they loved the story so much that they insisted on writing the whole thing.

      P.S. If you think about it, Connery is actually in quite a few bad and campy movies.

      • Joseph Moore

        If Sean Connery’s jaws were wired shut, would anyone notice?

        Queen and campy are pretty much synonymous.

        It just seemed at the time that Sean and Queen could get better gigs if they wanted to. Maybe they didn’t want to, although blackmail can’t be ruled out.

    • The Jerk

      I like the cut of your jibb, by which I mean I will pretend I don’t know you if we ever meet in public.

  • Beadgirl

    This line made me laugh and laugh:
    “I’m talking about Christopher Lambert. America’s answer to Rutger Hauer.”
    I don’t remember which movie it was from, but in one of them he said something that Mr. Beadgirl and I swore was “[Her immortality] can only be traitored by your sock of a violent Beth.” We rewound that snippet a good ten times before we figured out what he was really saying.

    And this is what I’ve been complaining about for years (decades, I guess, at this point):
    “He’s a ruthless Immortal out to kill everyone and get their power.
    Unlike the other Immortals who are waiting for kitchen accidents to take
    care of the opposition, I guess.”
    The whole story built around “There can be only one!” is ultimately incoherent.

    Queen makes everything better.

  • richard

    If you get a chance you have got to see Sean Connery in “Meteor”. Also stars Natalie Wood. It’s free on YouTube.

  • Mitzi Barnes

    Oh, my goodness … this is my first article by The Jerk and I wonder how I managed before. P.G. Wodehouse? Pbtht. 9 to 5 with Dolly, Lily and Jane? Whatever. Carol Burnett? Amateur. (Amatuer? Amature? Ugh.)

  • Heloise1

    I love Duncan. Not Richie. Just Duncan.

    • Viterbo Fangirl

      What?! No Methos love?!

  • Jessica Thornton

    You had me at “Queen soundtrack,”

  • Jared B.

    As a millennial, I definitely should not feel like I’m too old to ‘get’ why these The Jerk blog posts are supposed to be funny or entertaining or whatever. But I don’t get them. :-(

    • The Jerk

      Maybe it is because you’re stupid.

  • Melissa Hunter-Kilmer

    If Patheos fires you for this, then management is clueless as well as stupid. What, do we have to confess our inappropriate giggles now?

    • The Jerk

      The Man is always looking for ways to shut me down.

  • The Jerk

    All of you whiny babies who don’t like this are free to email me at thejerkdoesnotlikeyou (at) gmail (dot) com. Or you can send it to the Pope or whatever.

  • Dave

    Now that he has opened the Christopher Lambert file, the Jerk must review Tarzan, Legend of Greystoke!


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