As a new columnist for Patheos.com, I’m excited to share my perspective about improving relationships, marriage, and remarriage. Many individuals and couples contact me feeling pretty desperate, they wonder: what can I do to save my relationship, marriage, or remarriage?
The good news is that if you’re willing to put effort into changing your outlook and take responsibility for your part in breaking the cycle of unhappiness, there are things you can do to get a fresh start.
8 Things to Try Before Giving Up on Your Marriage:
- Seek to understand your partner by responding to what he or she is really saying in the moment. Be attuned to their experience, more than your own. When you respond, validate their perspective and use a soft start-up such as “I value your input and I’d love to hear more from you.” Be sure to use good eye contact and reassuring touch to comfort your mate.
- Don’t make a big deal about nothing…but do deal with important issues. Don’t put aside resentments that can destroy your relationship. Experiencing conflict is inevitable and couples who strive to avoid it are at risk of developing stagnant relationships. Avoid defensiveness and showing contempt for your partner (rolling your eyes, ridicule, name-calling, sarcasm, etc.).
- Ask for what you need in a positive way … don’t criticize your partner. Talking about what you desire will reap better results than criticizing or attacking your partner. For instance, a complaint is: “I was worried when you didn’t call me. We agreed that we’d check in when one of us was running late.” Versus a criticism: “You never follow through, you’re so selfish.”
- Keep a calm composure. While it’s natural to raise your voice and get agitated when you feel attacked, lower your voice and adopt a friendlier tone. If you feel yourself taking things personally, press the pause button and suggest a 10 to 15-minute break to your partner before continuing a conflictual conversation. You might say “I’m trying to listen but I can feel myself getting defensive. Can we start this conversation again in 15 minutes?”
- Don’t bring up important issues during rushed or stressful times of the day. While it’s a good idea to voice feelings soon after they occur, it’s best to discuss emotionally charged topics when you both have time to sit and discuss things. Avoid emotional issues when you are both tired and stressed, such as before work, right after work, or when you don’t have much time.
- Focus on the issues at hand. Resist the urge to bring up old baggage. Stay in the present and ask yourself: what am I trying to accomplish? Avoid name-calling and don’t attack your partner personally. Remember anger is usually a symptom of underlying hurt, fear, and frustration so keep things in perspective. Instead, use “I” statements and express your feelings in a way that invites him or her to communicate non-defensively, rather than pushing them away. For instance, “I’d like to hear how you felt when I arrived home late for dinner and failed to call to tell you I had to work late.”
- Take responsibility. When you focus on changing your partner, you miss the opportunity to work together to come up with a solution. You are no longer on the same team. If you focus more on your contribution to a problem, you’ll be less likely to point your finger at your partner or take things personally.
- Apologize and grant forgiveness. Apologizing to your partner, even when you didn’t hurt them intentionally can help you both heal. Granting forgiveness isn’t the same as condoning the hurt done to you but it will allow you to move on. Accept that people do the best they do and try to be more understanding. This doesn’t mean that you accept your partner’s hurtful actions. You simply come to a more realistic view of the past and give it less power over you.
With effective communication skills, you’ll be able to prevent small misunderstandings from creating permanent rifts and successfully navigate important, complex issues. For example, when you begin to challenge your beliefs and self-defeating thoughts about your partner’s behavior, and focus on repair strategies, you can begin to adopt a resilient mindset and get back on track.
Follow Terry on Twitter, Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy A Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship was published in January of 2016 by Sourcebooks.
I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry
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