women who dislike other women…

… Here’s a thing I’ve long suspected; women that make great claims against other women are just doing so in hopes of endearing themselves to men. The old joke is that nothing can bring two people together faster than hatred of a third person. I believe this is the secret intent of so many women who mock and dislike other women. Maybe the desire is to gain admittance into the typically exclusive inner man-circle and ultimately win their favor. You know, “She’s so much cooler/smarter/funnier than other girls. She’s just like one of us”.

I think they imagine being surrounded by men looks something like this…

Except straight eligible men don’t carry on romantic relationships with each other. So this approach backfires. Remember, Ashley Wilkes married Melanie not Scarlett, despite her convincing charm and beauty.

I asked a few fellows what they thought when they hear a lady make such statements against members of her own gender and they all agreed that what they really hear is, “I am difficult to get along with. I will not get along with your mother, your sisters, your aunts and cousins. Nor will I like your female co-workers. In fact, if you marry me I will make your life unnecessarily difficult because I can not get along with 51% of the population.”

Sounds absolutely charming, doesn’t it? No I suppose not. Here are some other things they also said;

“A women who doesn’t like women? That’s sound very self-loathing.”

“I suppose a women like that would think she is superior to other women. All other women are stupid, except her of course.”

“Women are supposed to be nurturing and provide emotional support. To me it sounds like that type of women would not be very patient or kind.”

“I don’t think I would try to set up any of my friends with a women like that either.”

Ouch! But yes, subconsciously this is what females are projecting when they claim to loathe women. I will be the first to admit that certain types of women irk me as well and can be hard to tolerate. Modern feminists come mind. Snooki too. Really though, those women are just a gross exaggeration of a specific stereotype. The same could be applied to men. ‘Metrosexual’ men who have bizarre preening habits like over-groomed eyebrows make me just as annoyed, if not deeply unsettled. Naturally, we are not going to like everyone we ever encounter through the course of lives but I’m inclined to think that women who say they dislike other women don’t genuinely mean it the same way it sounds. At least I sincerely hope not.

So unless you really truly hate all women; including nuns, nurses, and grandmothers, I would strongly caution females against making such self sabotaging statements. If you honestly have that much distaste for another person simply based on their gender you might have some serious deep-seated issues going on that need to be addressed by a professional.

About Katrina Fernandez

Mackerel Snapping Papist

  • tj.nelson

    That guy with the overgroomed eyebrows was Snooky!

    Anyway – I like women who don’t like other women – kind of.  There is a certain type of woman who gets along really well with guys – she can hunt and fish, likes sports, has a great sense of humor, is beautiful without make-up, drinks and smokes with the best of them - just a natural down to earth type who has no patience for prissy, whiney, femmes – male or female.  And then there is Penny on Big Bang Theory – she’s hot. 

    Did this help?

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/thecrescat Katrina Fernandez

      Yes it does. 

      However,  I am referring to a specific type of women who disparages other women. Women like you describe are fantastic. I know a few… but they never ever bad mouth other women simply because they do not share their same interests.  Getting along well with guys does not equal a hatred of other women.    

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/thecrescat Katrina Fernandez

      ps – you really need to do something about your infatuation with Beverly  Sutphin.  

    • Anonymous

      The actress Carole Lombard was exactly that kind of woman.  She loved to hunt and fish, and was comfortable around men just hanging out and talking about stuff.  She was also beautiful, talented and one of the best comedians in the movies.  

  • daisy

    I’m not too fond of other women in general. My husband jokingly says I was raised like a Alpha female wolf but it’s probably becuase my  relatives were some of the trampiest gals to ever strut on high heels. They had a knack for always doing the wrong thing, finding the wrong man, driving on the right man or ruining their children. I just never wanted to be like that.

  • http://www.forgottenaltars.blogspot.com/ Nicaela

    Great post. I had the same attitude towards my fellow women for a long time…I think greatly due to my not-so-great high school experience at an all-girls’ school. Now that I’m older and have children, etc I have met so many ladies who really inspire me.

    That being said, I do feel sometimes that what the modern definition of what it is to be a woman (and femininity in general) has become is a bit loathsome. I guess it seems to me that the type of women that you say irk you (modern feminist types) seem to make up a significant portion of the female population. Even if women aren’t conscious feminists these days, certain undesirable presuppositions do seem to be instilled in our modern female minds.  While I wouldn’t want to generalize and say I hate women, I do despise a lot of these tendencies and think all women (and especially Catholic women) should do all in their power to fight them…I include myself in that too.

    God bless.

  • http://twitter.com/emvidal Elena Maria Vidal

    Great post! Most men are simple, uncomplicated creatures who want a peaceful life, so they want a Melanie, not a Scarlett. There are very few men who can deal with a Scarlett.

    • http://platytera.blogspot.com/ Christian

      You are a genius.

      • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/thecrescat Katrina Fernandez

        Yes she is. 

  • http://tonylayne.blogspot.com/ Anthony S. Layne

    Great post, and very true about the messages it sends us.  Just one thing: It’s been explained to me a couple different ways, and yet I still don’t see how “metrosexual” is anything other than another way to say, “Dude, you look totally gay doing that.”

  • Tanya

     
    I certainly don’t hate other women with respect to their dignity or personhood, but I have never fit well with the “typical” woman, and that has presented me with some difficult times in the past.  That said, however, I simply just don’t care about many of the things other women seem to care about, so it wouldn’t really be fair of me to hold that against them and I try not to; but again, it makes conversations and connections with other women hard to make. I have no interest in the stereotypical things like shopping, makeup, shoes, celebrity happenings, drama filled gab-fests, etc.

    I have just always found men to be much easier to get along with. They seem to just take you as they find you. There’s no bs or drama or judgements.   

    • Anonymous

       Many women who make a big show of quitting work to stay home (or demand special favors for their childcare, etc.) annoy me. I can’t help it. Because of them, my career has stalled, since I’ve reached an age where it’s assumed I’ll be leaving the workforce to have kids.

      I’m even more angry at the majority male business owners and CEOs who condemn women for wanting a life outside of the office though. So everyone pisses me off.

      Ironically, even though I don’t want kids, they’re the only ones I like in this fight. They’re innocent. And they have potential to turn out ok. The next John Lennon or Cobain could come from this current youth generation, after all.

    • Hippy Chic

      Yes.

  • kenneth

        We can unite women the same way we’ve always bridged differences in this country – by finding a common enemy and a bigger, shared hatred! It won’t be easy. We can’t for example, go with Asians. That’s too “Greatest Generation” and anyway we’d be reduced to animal skins and stone tools if we ever seriously cheesed off the Chinese.  Racial hatred in general is off the table, unless you do it in a nuanced, backhanded way, like suggesting that the dark targets of your derision have forged birth certificates and secret Muslim/socialist agendas.
         Ah, the Muslims, you say! We’ll, we’ve gotten a lot of mileage from those dudes as a hate target, and it still polls well with Evangelicals and the angry white demographic. But there are problems. Frankly, it’s getting too expensive to hate Muslims, and we’ve already killed most of them who have any organizational ability, a sinister reputation or who are tall enough to reach the trigger of an RPG. Any more with them will just look like tasteless bullying.  
        The solution has been here in our backyard the whole time.  No, not Mexicans. Hating “illegals” only really made sense when our economy still had jobs for them to take from us.  Lots of them have gone back home and the cartels are hunting the poor buggers to extinction. 
       Canada! Their day of reckoning is long overdue! Who do they think they are, anyway? Where do they get off calling themselves “North Americans”? When it was time to fight the British, they went all Vichy France collaborator on us. Now they sit up there with their progressive human rights record, their mockery of football, their metrosexual hippie tree leaf flags! And seriously, what’s with that unshakable civility? No one’s that nice unless they’re trying to hide something.  They think just because they give us some energy security and funny actors and high-grade marijuana that we’re too stupid to see them for what they really are.  Our women are going to get over their “Mean Girl” crap and they’re gonna wear your hippie flag as bras, and THEN burn them! How do ya like that, EH?!
        In parallel with the Canadian Hatred Unification Plan, I will put forth another target. One that will unit ALL of the Earth’s decent people in common purpose of hatred: That guy who’s responsible for late night commercials quadrupling in volume.  As homemakers and overworked single moms, women bear the brunt of this hideous torment.
        The hunt for that man could, at least temporarily, heal our planet’s most bitter divides. Next to this menace, Red and Blue state divisions mean nothing.  Obama and Santorum could shake hands over this goal.  Iran’s Revolutionary Guard and the Shin Bet would open each other’s files and grant safe passage to one another until this man is caught and put to justice.  Ladies, every minute you waste cutting down your sisters is a minute lost in this fight. Unite, and I promise you, we WILL find this evil ad man. Together we will capture his last moments on a shaky cell phone video as he is beaten and then put down with Gadaffi’s gold plated pistol. What woman wouldn’t want this for her sisters, and all of the world’s children!  

  • Holly in Nebraska

    What I mostly hear is women tearing down women, not to compete for men, but to relieve themselves of guilt. Case in point is Martha Stewart. I’ve met many women in the workplace who hate her. HATE her! All she does is give recipes, tips for gardening and decorating, and crafty stuff. They could just take it or leave it. But I think she gets torn down because women feel guilty about not doing those things or even wanting to do those things. They think that they are suppose to be like that but don’t want to. So, tear her (and those like her) down and then you don’t have to feel guilty. This is common in other areas too, I think. People tear down someone who is achieving so that they don’t have to try so hard themselves.

    Although, I guess I’m tearing THOSE women down…

  • http://charmingdisarray.blogspot.com/ Io

    Wow, how true. Comments like “I just don’t get along with women” by women always make me crazy. “I just don’t like the things women are into” is equally annoying because who ever said that all women are into the exact same things?

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/thecrescat Katrina Fernandez

      As if women are capable of only discussing menstrual cramps and Manolo Blahnik.

  • Elli

    I haven’t encountered that kind of woman in person – the kind I’m familiar with is more subtle.  She’s chummy with other women until a man comes in and then all her attention goes to him, and her women friends see that they are very much second fiddle.

    Since she’s not badmouthing the other women and the man doesn’t know what was going before he came in the room, he is simply flattered by her charm and attention.

    The woman who puts down other women is more often found on the internet, in forums frequented mostly by men.

  • Anna Maria

    I have always preferred the company of men and most of my experiences with men has been overwhelmingly positive. I can’t say the same about my experiences with women. From early schooldays into the business world, I have been bullied, betrayed and stabbed in the back. Aside from two or three trusted friends, I learned to be very wary around other women. So, perhaps rather than say that I hate women, as I have in the past, what I should be saying is that based on past experience, I don’t automatically trust women.

    • Anonymous

       I have had satisfactory encounters only with bi/queer/gay men, which is a tiny percent of the population. I feel that gay men are the only group who really cares about the fight for marriage, and bi men are the only men I can date.

      When you’re a woman who doesn’t want kids and actually enjoys her career, you just don’t fit in, especially in 2012 America, which is undergoing its umpteenth feminist backlash. We women got too uppity, and we need to be knocked back into our place.

      But no, I’m not a feminist. I’ve yet to meet a self-identified feminist of either gender with whom I can have a rational conversation. With the radical feminists, my supporting trans people is “oppressive.” With the sex-positives, my not giving an eff about SlutWalk is “oppressive.” Etc. The speech-policing and demand for everyone to conform in lockstep with whatever side’s ideology is tiresome. I just avoid the whole thing.

      Many straight men are part of the Men’s Rights Movement nowadays, and while they “claim” they have good intentions, the sites I’ve read call for firebombing courthouses and stripping me of my right to vote. Of course, it’s just a response to the insane rad-fem sites, where they call for killing or castrating men.

      I think pretty much the reason I hate almost everyone is because I have too much empathy. Cobain’s suicide note sums my feelings up perfectly.

  • MsReed

    Most women I have met over my short 57 years get on my last nerve.  I suspect that we attract certain types of people.  The women I attract are usually either con artist or those who want to take advantage of my generous nature (assuming it as a weakness), or ones who want to dominate me.

    I have a moderately long fuse but once its lit, it burns quick and fast to the powder.

    I am not interested in 80% of what many of these women are interested in; nails, gossip, backbiting, clothes, getting others to do something you should be doing, woo woo new age or hyper religious, ethnocentricity or getting a man to pay for EVERYTHING you may want.

    I have yet to a woman who has any domestic, entrepreneurial or practical skills like gardening, menu planning to save money, sewing, building, constructing, …..

    Whatever it is about me that attracts these women, I am working hard to pinpoint it and get the hell rid of it!  I want a creative, resourceful, FRIEND who shares the same concerns I have in this short life.  Someone I can work in the gardens with, build things with, trade chores even.

    So no, I really don’t like most women and trusting them is not even on the table.

  • Maggie

    I didn’t dislike women growing up.  I didn’t dislike them as a young single woman either.  If didn’t care for someone, I equated it with that person’s personality.  Then I became a parent and saw first hand how boys interact, and then how girls interact.  I must say that school age girls are absolutely horrible to each other.  I still don’t dislike woman as a group, however, I can certainly see why some women would.  From what I’ve noticed, we are a very insecure lot and we don’t do a very good job of respecting and supporting each other. 

    I agree with Elena Maria.  Men are simple creatures.  One thing I have always said is I’m glad I’m a woman married to a man and not the other way around.  Sometimes I feel for the guy.

    • Tanya

      Very well put!

    • Hippy Chic

      *This*.

  • Monique

    I really like women. I actually prefer the company of other women to men. Women are great. Unfortunately, I just don’t feel I am in a position to have any close personal friendships with any. I am married to a very charismatic yet fairly weak man. He has always insisted that when I have a girl friend over he join in our conversations. He is more charismatic and humorous than I am and so the attention is diverted to him. He likes to flirt, only he will always deny it, he says he is just a very friendly person. I admit he is irresistible, and so I have cut off all of my friends. I still talk to some friends on the phone, but I never invite them over. I can’t trust anyone!

  • Melhavgo672

      Great post.  I work part time in the music industry, and I’ve encountered this behavior before with a few women (the majority of women have been great, keep in mind).  There’s nothing wrong with  having a career or interests that have been more traditionally male dominated, where you tend to socialize with more men by default; that in itself isn’t the issue.   Some women, just like some men, tend to get along better with more of the opposite gender, but they don’t indulge in stereotypes or universals. 

      The problematic women I’ve noticed are those who are unwilling to establish a healthy rapport with other women, either because they are insecure or they feel superior.   “Women are so boring” = “I’m more interesting than they are”.  “Women are petty and catty = I feel a strong need to compete and prove my worth.”  
    It’s usually rooted in Queen Bee syndrome (Miz Scarlett suffered from this, Melanie had strong friendships with both men and women) and a need to be competitive.   Making women on the whole the emotional boogeyman is their  way to ward off their insecurity that they haven’t developed normal bonds with some of the women in their lives. 

       The sad thing being, I don’t really see their interactions with men as any healthier than that they have with women, since they box men up in the same shallow ways that they castigate women.  Men are just as nuanced and complex in their relationships as are women, even if on the surface it doesn’t seem that way. 

    • Different Perspectives Are Val

      “Women are so boring” = “I’m more interesting than they are”. “Women are petty and catty = I feel a strong need to compete and prove my worth.”

      I would disagree. I personally have not had the best experiences with women. Not so much as with my own family nor other women in school. I have suffered endless bullying, racism, and outright disrespect from women who I suppose have somehow deemed me as a “threat.” That is an attractive black female, educated, outspoken (think Angela Duckworth), and very driven. But I am a person who actually has had many struggles on the sense that I have never understood the logic of destroying other’s in order to compete. I don’t get the point.

      If you are “thee person” “thee badass,” you succeed. You can’t compete with Apple, or the Laker’s, or The New York Times, they are the model, they just win. When that relates to people I can see why other’s would be worried, they are not confident in their abilities: I know what I know and what I don’t know. I promote myself without fear and do not have to “compete” with other’s in a negative sense; I know that my own competencies will lead me to where I need to be. I try to link up with other competent women. Why would I fear them? If every lady on my team is a bad ass super producer, we ALL look bad ass. If I got promoted, I was simply better qualified for the task at hand. And I have humility and respect for my seniors (not just in the workforce, but senior aged people as well). I think this is why I don’t get along well with a large portion of women who are so insecure about their abilities in a male-dominated/oriented business atmosphere that they become paranoid about every move any women they deem “secure,” makes. They are extremely externally focused and miss out on opportunities. I however focus on myself.

      Many women are threatened by this. They do not understand how a “woman” can be so unaffected by these dynamics and function on a purely logical spectrum. Then again I am an INTJ personality type. And that is even rarer in women in general. I don’t think I’m better then other women. I just think that I have a personality type that is less afflicted by nuancing elementary jealousies that have nothing to do with the topic at hand, i.e, another woman’s attire, her attractiveness, her pedigree…Why gossip and try to ruin her? Why not find out about her abilities and the startup she created in her sophomore year of High School.? You probably want her on your team…

      And to those who don’t consider themselves feminists: You are ignorant to the fact that all it means to be a feminist is that you are “Pro” the idea of “freedom of Women;” making their own choices regarding career and life, and having equal opportunities to positively position themselves. If you don’t identify with that, then how can you expect any woman to respect you?

  • Anonymous

    I distrust most other women because I distrust most people. I’m not gender-specific in my mistrust, and with good reason. I’ve never kept a friend for more than a year, and that’s because I’ve never been made to feel welcome or wanted by anyone.

    When you are attractive and talented at your job, it makes you a target for bullying, harassment, and scorn in the adult world. I can count an equal number of men who’ve bullied me outright at work as I can count a number of women who’ve tried to sabotage me through relational aggression.

    When it comes to making “friends,” men tend to not really want to be my friend, so much as use the guise of friendship as a conduit to sex. Women like to keep me around to pick on me for failing to be “feminine” enough, i.e. not wearing heels, not wearing my hair down, not ‘dishing’ about men, and not wanting to be best friends with a flamboyantly gay man so I can be his hag. (I’m queer – gay men aren’t “substitute girlfriends” to me, they’re allies in the fight for marriage…) They also think I want to steal their boyfriends, which is hilarious, because I only date bisexual/queer men and women.

    When I come out to men, they either think I’m disgusting or want me to schedule a three-way and include them. When I come out to women, they tend to want to experiment on me or use me as a tool to kiss drunkenly so they can impress men.

    Regardless of whether I’m “friends” with a man or a woman, the outcome is always the same. I give and give, and one day, I draw a boundary. They get outraged and insist I’m being a jerk. Then, the friendship is pretty much over. I realize the common factor here is me, and I’m fine with that. I’m totally comfortable being alone, aside from my partner and cat, and I also realize that as I age, I’ll be less employable, as well as a subject of derision, since American society finds little more disgusting than an older woman who dares show her face in public.

    Society isn’t for me. And I’m proud of my choice.

    • Ryen

      After reading through your responses, and giving them thought, there seems to be one common denominator. Every person that I have met personally that feels how you do: i.e. they have had an issue with people from all walks of life, in every life situation, no relationships (platonic, romantic) last more than a certain amount of time, and it is always the other person’s fault for the dissolve…….I’d have to agree with you that the common denominator is you. With all due respect, if this is how you come across in well thought out comments to a blog post…..

  • Trinivibeau

    I am not rich, I dont have guys falling all over me I say hello to people I see on the streets  and I  always smile even if am not happy  But ever since I was a little girl the female gender has disliked me now that I am older and live in a very small town it is affecting my socal life even finding a job as most people I have job intveiews with are woman that know somebody who knows me and they all have there little clicks, so what’s  the best thing to do? 

  • Brendaclose

    Women who hate other women make my skin crawl. I love the company of other women and the supportive relationships you can have, and I love femininity. The women I’ve known who hate other women, or say things like ‘I prefer men, girly girls are bitches/ stupid/ silly’ are usually full of self-loathing. Misogynistic women creep me out, I dont understand it. Yet they seem to do it to impress men, which kind of is ironic since they seem to hate women who act in a typically ‘bimbo’ way. Some of the stuff I’ve heard women say about other women, could be from the mouth of a rapist. The shaming and blaming is disgusting. I have met men who are more enlightened than some women in terms or rape and domestic violence. The idea that men are uncomplicated and women are just crazy bitches, coing from a woman is disturbing. Women have been shamed for being ‘too emotional’ which I think is awful. Men are just as emotional, just in a different way. Both sexes have their issues. 

  • Lt

    My step mother spend the 28 years she was married to my father making his life hell by competing and name-calling other women constantly. She was a jealous and possessive and horrible monster who made his life impossible. Her gift to me (watching this since I was 12) was to behave this way: whatever Susan does…do the opposite. It’s worked out splendidly and I have a trove of lovely people, of both genders, in my life who support and love me…they do not compete with me. Thanks for the lesson.

  • Evil Unicorn

    It’s easy to judge someone for “hating” or disliking the company of other women when you don’t know the circumstance that led to that conclusion, and you don’t have the patience to hear them out. Hate is a strong word. I dislike the company of many women that I personally know because of their insecure, jealous, catty, envious, competitive and conniving natures. In my 35 years only three women were decent and truly friendly. They did not care that I was really pretty it was never an issue. Most of the women I have met right from the get go, have been horrible to me, before talking to me, before Initiating a friendship. Accusing me of wanting their ugly husbands. I grew up with one brother, I did not have sisters. I hung out with my brother and his friends. I learned how to talk around guys, and hot to take a joke, and to roll with the punches, hanging out at backyard punk shows and playing guitar and bass with my brother. I used to be extremely nice, tried really hard to be fair, but as I get older, I find that my first impression of anyone is usually true. So now I am very selective when it comes to friendships with women. Who wants an insincere friendship? I don’t HATE other women, I am cautious and observant. So my own personal experience is that I feel more comfortable around guys because that Is what I grew up around. I enjoy watching boxing, baseball and basketball matches with my husband. I don’t judge women who “hate” other women, or dislike the company of other women, I understand them. Lets just let people be who they are and stop judging them for who or what they like. Enough.


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