Shameless beggars and candy opportunists…

… What has happened to my beloved Halloween?! Who are these entitled beggars shuffling up to the door? Kids don’t even try anymore. And young ladies, there are plenty of things you can be for Halloween besides naked.

Your amateurism has forced me to lay down some guidelines for next year.

1- putting random shit on your head does not a costume make. If you are wearing street clothes and a mask you will not get a single piece of candy from me.

2 – If you can legally drive a car or purchase birth control you are too old for trick or treating. Get off my lawn, no candy for you!

3- Parents. No candy for you! Period. Get your grabby hands out of the candy bowl. You’re stealing from the children. And I do not believe for one minute you are collecting candy for your baby. Babies don’t eat candy. Grow up and get off my lawn.

4- If you’re a young lady dressed as a whore for Halloween; no candy for you. Get off my lawn and put some clothes on.

5- If you’re too cool to say “Trick or treat” and “thank you” even with feigned enthusiasm – screw you. No candy for you.

Why are you still on my lawn?

P.S. – This is the only exception I am willing to make for the adult candy rule.

P.P.S. – I will collect soy sauce and hot mustard packets throughout the year to give to un-costumed teens and greedy adults. Thanks, E.B., for the brilliant suggestion.

About Katrina Fernandez

Mackerel Snapping Papist

  • mary martha

    There is an EXCELLENT video on youtube called “Thinks you can be on Halloween besides naked!!!”

    I think you might like it.

    • Katrina Fernandez

      Ha. Love it. Thanks for alerting me to it’s existance.

  • Jeanne Chabot

    I HATE, hate, hate the costumes they have in stores for women. Little girl costumes are okay. But as soon as you start to get into adult sizes, suddenly Halloween costume makers either run out of material, or have a great deal of trouble getting the measurements right. Instead of being fun, it’s become an occasion to go out and flaunt it all. I make my own costumes.

  • Agnes B. Bullock

    No exception for Monsignor Ganswein? How could you do that to us? What about the Swiss Guard- they would probably BRING the chocolate with them!

  • Maurisa Mayerle

    Loved this!

  • Beth

    I ask “Where are these parents??!!!” when daughters are dressed with very little material on halloween? Fathers, how can you let your daughters out of the house like that? Man up, Dad and take a stand. Father not in the picture? MOTHERS step up. Your daughter is not cute, she is setting down a path of low self-esteem (no, dressing like a slut doesn’t improve your self esteem, or prove that you have it.) And girls, so, that boy chatting you up, is he doing it because of your pretty smile and great wit, or is he doing it because your bosom is hanging out of top and your rear is asking to be groped?

    Someone please bring back flannels and jeans circa 1994. Those were the days.

  • TheodoreSeeber

    One group I gave candy to, the only child was a baby. I gave them candy anyway because they were dressed as the three bears from Goldilocks (including the cutest little baby bear you ever saw- had to have been less than 1 year old).

    I also had 3 groups that consisted only of people between the ages of 14-25. They shouldn’t have been trick or treating at all. And the last one of the night, one guy was indeed dressed, if you can call it that, as baghead. Just a paper bag on his head.

  • TheodoreSeeber

    BTW, rain in Oregon held us down to a mere 21 visitors, NONE of whom, thankfully, were little girls half-naked (“But you’ll freeze” is a very real threat this far north).

  • Bridget N

    Only for sweet, hot Nathan would I ever applaud the idea of a Captain Canada or of Canada in general. Nathan and hockey…except we don’t even have hockey right now. Hmph.