Oh No, I Am Not Getting Eaten By Zombies Tonight…

… Now don’t get me wrong. I love God’s creation – the outdoors. It’s an endless source of wonder and beauty… and imminent DEATH! I like my nature from the comfort of a rocking chair on a screened in porch. I also like my nature to go to bed when I do; not prowling around in the shadowy dark making bone chilling shrieks and howls. I might even like nature a little more if it stopped trying to kill me when I am doing simply things like taking out the trash or pulling into my driveway.

As most regular readers know, I have a sick pathological fascination with zombies and my obsession du jour is a television show called The Walking Dead. If you watch this show then you totally understand me when I say… I see freaking walkers everywhere! Everywhere! In every tree lined forest edge, wooded park, empty parking lot, or outside my bedroom window. I see them especially in the woods that surrounds my house. Day or night, it matters not, my imagine is on hyper drive.

Then why the heck did I move out into the middle of nowhere if I hate nature so much and the woods is a dangerous place filled with zombies, monsters, and predatory nigh-time creatures. Because I hate people even more. At least I know zombies aren’t real. But that jerk who uses a leaf blower at 8 am Saturday morning, yeah, he is real. So I moved out to the middle of nowhere. Miles away from the nearest “that guy”.

The trade off… the unending horror of the surrounding wilderness.

So last night I was pulling up into my driveway and as the car’s head lights illuminated the woods I saw this…

Possessed zombie deer ready to trample me and devour my soul.

Do you have any idea what that’s like?! How terrifying that is, after having exposed your mind to hours of Walking Dead, to come home and see no less than twenty glowing eyes peering out at you from the darkness?

I don’t care what anyone says… deer are not cute. Anyone who says that has never met a real one. I’m not talking about one of those tame deer you seek skulking about in national parks near tourist cabins that will eat little bits of bread out of your hands. I’m talking about the dangerous wild ones that will scream in your face and kick in your skull to protect it’s young.

Aw. How cute. Bambi wants to play Gallagher with that guy’s skull.

For one thing they are bigger than a dog which automatically makes them menacing. And around here the deer travel in hordes, not unlike zombies, in numbers as large as twenty or thirty at a time. Try pulling into your driveway alone at night and being greeted with that and not run into your house cursing and screaming like a coward. Which is what I did. You call it cowardice. I call it a will to live.

Thanks to my cautious cowardice I am alive today to write about the perils of living in the country. So take that, killer zombie deer. I win.

*Blog post title comes from this quote.

About Katrina Fernandez

Mackerel Snapping Papist

  • FuquaySteve

    Took the dogs out one night last week and there in the driveway was a beaver. Can you imagine what a bite mark from a beaver would look like? He slapped his tail on the driveway and we went right back inside, much to the chagrin of the dogs.

  • Jeanne Chabot

    Ah, Kat… (shakes head)

  • Renee Poudrier

    In my young and foolish days (as opposed to my old and foolish days) I agreed to watch the horror movie “Carrie” with a friend. Why, I don’t know, because those kinds of movies absolutely freak me out. After the movie, I had to drive back home through forest and farmland. It was late at night and pitch black. I already had the shakes from the stupid movie. I went over a small rise and almost lost it. THERE WERE GHOSTS! Wavering white apparitions with glowing eyes, rising and falling just ahead of my car. Even today, over thirty years after the event, just writing about it has made my heart pound in my chest. The ghosts seemed absolutely real and moved with intent, not randomly or jerkily. For a moment, I was absolutely overcome with terror. I had stopped the car. When I came back to my senses, I finally realized what I was really seeing.

    Cows. Yes, cows. Some farmer’s cows had escaped the fence and were busy hanging out on the rural road, investigating what was on the other side. They were Angus X Hereford crosses, the kind of cattle that have black bodies and white faces. In the dark their shapes seemed to disappear, leaving only disembodied white floating ‘ghosts’ with eyes glowing in the beams of my headlights. Since the road I was traveling on was lower than the fields on either side, the shapes of the cattle didn’t stand out against the night like they normally might have, and it took my eyes a second to adjust. But that second was enough to scare me nearly to death.

    So, Kat, it’s not just zombie wildlife. It’s zombie livestock too…

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/thecrescat Katrina Fernandez

      zombie livestock! I love it.

  • Bridget N

    I’ve always said that I like my nature air conditioned and chlorinated.

  • Fr. Cory Sticha

    As a resident of a state heavily infested with deer, I can say with all authority that the only good deer are ones that have been made into venison steaks, roasts and jerky.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Eugene-Edward-Yeo/1163041810 Eugene Edward Yeo

      And stews! And trousers! And interesting bits of carved jewelry!

  • http://www.facebook.com/barbara.worn.73 Barbara Worn

    You should also be on the alert for White Walkers-much more dangerous than zombies. I can hear them screeching in the woods behind my house-even the disgusting coyotes are afraid of them.