Hilariously Horrid Pagan Pick Up Lines for Valentine’s Day

133/365 Cupid photo by martinak15. Text added. Licensed under CC 2.0

1. My Sign is rising.

2. You complete my circle.

3. Do you want to touch my crystal? It’s charged! ( Someone really said this to my ex-fiance )

Happy Valentine’s Day photo by Kathy. Licensed under CC 2.0)


4. Wait, I know what to do, I’m a Gardnerian. (I mean no offense by this, it’s just a stranger actually said this to me in ritual as they attempted to climb on top of me!)


5. Do you want a five fold kiss?


6. Did we mate in a past life?


7. Want to come see my crystal balls?


8. Is that a maypole/Legba’s cane/ a wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?


9. Is this bonfire hot, or is it you?

I love your guts photo by Hey Paul Studios. Licensed by CC 2.0


10. You must be a magick broom, because you are sweeping me off my feet.


11. Can I stick my Mars in Your Venus?


Hump ahead- It’s Valentine’s Day ya’all photo by Ibrahim Lujaz. Licensed by CC 2.0


I hope you enjoyed these. I have had a running list going in my head for the past two decades. I’m genuinely laughing even as I’m editing. Please share and leave the wild and wonderful best of your favorites in the comments below. And if you like what you’ve seen remember to subscribe to my RSS feed so you don’t miss anything, I’m this funny almost everyday. As the picture says Hump Ahead people, and have a Happy Valentine’s Day!

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About Lilith Dorsey

Lilith Dorsey M.A. , hails from many magickal traditions, including Celtic, Afro-Caribbean, and Native American spirituality. Her traditional education focused on Plant Science, Anthropology, and Film at the University of R.I, New York University and the University of London, and her magickal training includes numerous initiations in Santeria also known as Lucumi, Haitian Vodoun, and New Orleans Voodoo. Lilith Dorsey is a Voodoo Priestess and in that capacity has been doing successful magick since 1991 for patrons, is editor/publisher of Oshun-African Magickal Quarterly , filmmaker of the experimental documentary Bodies of Water :Voodoo Identity and Tranceformation, author of Voodoo and Afro-Caribbean Paganism and The African-American Ritual Cookbook, and choreographer for jazz legend Dr. John's "Night Tripper" Voodoo Show. She believes good ritual should be fun and innovative, and to that end she led the first ever Voodoo Zombie Silent Rave Ritual in July 2013, complete with confused Thriller flash mob.