Three Reasons You Shouldn’t Masturbate, Courtesy Of Youth Pastor No-Fun.

My brother sent me this video from the youtube channel pornsexturbation which is, inexplicably, not a joke:

I was going to make a response to this, but…

Dear FSM, I’ve hit the blogger mother lode. This is the stuff for which the phrase, “WTF?” was created. Seriously, videos like this scream, “God is all-wise, but just doesn’t know how to be taken seriously!”

“Hey all, I was just thinking about masturbation.”

Not sex with your wife? Heathen.

“You may refer to it as waxing the carrot or petting the snake.”

I prefer clearing the snorkel.

“You cannot separate masturbation and lust.”

Yup, lust an itch and sex/masturbation is how you scratch it. It literally has no downside to scratch, but also scratching the metaphorical itch is directly correlated to better mental health. Mosquito bites should be so kind.

I know, I know, god imbued us with lust and then made it a sin to indulge it. God gives us these instincts, and then what does he do? He…

One can only wonder why god gave us lust this way if he didn’t want us to indulge it. This is like pushing somebody toward a swimming pool and blaming them if they fall in, all while saying that wasn’t ever what you wanted.

Wouldn’t it have been easy to make lust a switch that turns on once married? Why give us an itch we can’t scratch starting at around 13? That seems akin to hitting somebody in the head with a hammer, dropping them in a roof full Ibuprofen, and telling them they can’t have any or you’ll burn them forever.

“But Mr. Hammer Person, is there any inherent harm to me for eating one of these Ibuprofen which will clearly make me feel better?”

“Nope. But you’re still going to endure the pain. Also I love you and want what’s best for you.”

“Jesus said any man who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

Can’t commit adultery if you’re single or if you have your wife’s permission. #BestLoopholeSinceAnalSex! Get wrecked, Jesus.

“And then he says if your right hand causes you to sin you should cut it off.”

Masturbating? That’s a sin and is bad for your life. Cutting off your hand for the crime of feeling good? Sound advice from the lord.

“We’re supposed to put lust to death.”

Yeah, and in the meantime you can just choose to stop feeling hungry. Let me know how that goes.

“Masturbation is a selfish act.”

Which is also why you should never watch TV, shoot hoops, or eat by yourself. Any time you have fun by yourself, it’s selfish.

Also, do it with friends. #AnotherLoophole

“Sex is more than just a way to get pleasure.”

For some people. For others (hi), that’s exactly what it is. #NoBabiesInThisHouse

“When you masturbate you’re using a sexual function just to get pleasure.”

“Just” to get pleasure? What’s so wrong about that? I like pleasure. My life is better the more pleasure I pack into it. You’re explaining how to get what I want in life. #BadSalesman

And since I don’t want kids (and masturbation isn’t going to produce them anyway), for what else am I supposed to use a sexual act? It’s not like polishing acoustics is going to get my lawn mowed.

“If you look at sex this way you’re probably not going to be very good at it when you get married.”

Not everybody gets married, but many of them still don’t want blue balls.

Also, the day I let somebody who probably takes the passages about virginity until marriage as well as having sex with a single person their whole life seriously tell me how to augment my performance in the sack is the day I turn to vegans for a new bacon recipe.

When I try to think of people who are probably god-tier at sex, those afraid to masturbate are not exactly at the top of my list. It’s not like sexual acumen requires knowing your own body or anything, right? If only the bible prohibited making pretensions to knowledge a person couldn’t possibly have as fervently as it prohibited masturbation.

“What if sex is about making your wife feel good.”

So, um, dude…do you know what a symbiotic relationship is? It turns out that sex can be about making both people feel good at the same time. You don’t have to choose. Sex isn’t an act where it’s one person or the other feeling good.

But go on, tell me how to not be bad at it. Please redeem me with your bountiful knowledge of the subject that totally exceeds the beating-you-in-the-face obvious.

“When you masturbate you’re only practicing making yourself feel good.”

And if a sexual partner isn’t readily available, that’s as good as it gets. Oh, you mean if nobody’s around who is willing to indulge you physically (and marry you), then you should just be miserable or not feel as good as you otherwise could? Gee, thanks god.

“If you want to be good at sex you have to be unselfish.”

Isn’t trying to dictate other people’s sex lives pretty selfish?

Also, some people struggle to get off unless they’re doing it with their own hand. Some people get the most pleasure out of using their own hand. So in order to be good at sex, some people have to masturbate. Blame god, he made it that way.

“Instead of masturbating, take time to serve people.”

They’re not mutually exclusive.

“Hi, roommate. I just folded your laundry instead of masturbating.”

If my roommate said that to me, I’d probably say, “That’s really sweet of you. But, are you horny as shit? Well, here are some kleenex. There’s 24 hours in the day. Go take care of business and I’ll see you back downstairs in a few minutes.”

“Hey, I just cleaned your car instead of masturbating.”

…he says while handing what appears to be a pair of manacles to what appears to be a teenage boy.

“I could be masturbating right now, but I decided to volunteer at the homeless shelter instead.”

If masturbation is what’s preventing you from volunteering at a homeless shelter, the problem is you.

“Masturbation becomes an idol.”

From dictionary.com:

Idol, noun — an image or other material object representing a deity to which religious worship is addressed.

Masturbation is immaterial. It’s an act. It literally cannot be an idol, which is a tangible thing. Also, while having fun can include worshiping things (like particular body parts), you’re not engaging in worship whenever you have fun. Obviously.

“We put it before god’s commands to have self-control and to take our thoughts captive.”

What if I told you that you can have self-control and also want to relieve yourself of being horny?

Also, I’ve taken my thoughts captive — how else could I reject god’s attempts to take my thoughts captive? I mean, the fact that I manage my own thoughts is a prerequisite for thinking god’s advice on masturbation is arbitrary, contradictory to good mental health, and dumb.

“It’s been said that masturbation is a good way to relieve stress.”

…by experts who study the brain, the body, and how they work. But if you trust them over the people who wrote the bible and didn’t even know that the moon doesn’t produce its own light, then you’re going to hell.

“Do you ever feel guilty after you masturbate? Then it’s causing you to have more stress.”

Nope, and I’ll probably even do it today even though I’m sick just to spite you.

However, I’ve known plenty of people who did feel guilty when masturbating thanks to their religious up-bringing. The source of the guilt was people like this dipshit, not masturbation. The guilt was a function of self-important people with religion moving them to psychologically manipulate others into letting people nowhere near their sex life dictate it, even though it’s none of their damn business.

There’s a clear villain in this scenario, and it’s not touching yourself.

The source of the stress is the trying-too-hard-to-be-funny goon in this video, not pleasure. This is like cutting somebody and then blaming band-aids.

“Why not turn to Jesus for all of your needs.”

Because I’m straight, and because my hand has proven to be present in my life while Jesus has not — Jesus has never gotten me off once. If you can’t turn to Jesus for making you not hungry (so much for “all your needs”) you probably shouldn’t do it for making you not horny.

“Masturbating and praying are very different.”

Yes. And? This is why I’ve never sat down to masturbate and wound up praying by mistake.

The primary difference is that one gets shit done, which is ironic considering that it’s come to be used as a euphemism for not getting things done. That’s how useless prayer is: literally more useless than masturbation.

Doubt me? Ok, try praying for relief of your sexual tension. Take all the time you need to confirm that it doesn’t work. Next, spend five minutes with your hand in your pants.