Jesus’s Opening Lines

You know, just because there’s no record in Scriptures of it ever occurring, doesn’t mean Jesus didn’t first warm up his crowds.

SERMON ON THE MOUNT

“My previous Sermon on the Mount Tour stop was in my hometown of Nazareth, and boy, that crowd was rough. They were so rough, I was practically dismounted. I tell ya, no respect. What’s that saying, you can always go home again? Verily, verily, I say unto you – you can’t.”

FEEDING THE 5000

“Wow, what a great crowd. A huge crowd. You guys are awesome. Y’all were walking around the end of the lake, and I thought, man, it will take me forever to go that way. So glad I can walk on water. Ziiiiiippp!!! And here I am. Moses couldn’t do that. He’s up in heaven, looking at Yahweh, saying ‘That would have been nice’.”

ZECHARIAH’S HOUSE

“Before dinner, let me tell you a funny story. So I was with my disciples yesterday, walking somewhere, and I ask Nathaniel, ‘How many hairs are on your head?’ Cos I totally know the answer, right? And he says, ‘All of them?’ We all laughed so hard. And he’s like, ‘What? What’d I say?’”

DISTRICT OF DALMANUTHA (Mk 8:15)

“I see a couple Pharisees in the crowd today. Actually, I didn’t have to see them to know they were here. I tripped on their phylacteries while coming up the hillside. Seriously, though, I’m glad they came, even though only two are here. I guess the rest didn’t think it was worth the tassel.”

AT THE SEA OF GALILEE

“So I was doing a charity gig up in Capernaum, and I healed Peter’s mother-in-law. No, no – no mother-in-law jokes. I’ve no experience when it comes to mothers-in-law. But later, I hear her telling her neighbor, ‘Sure, healing me was great, but a real miracle would be turning Peter into a better fisherman’.”

IN A SYNAGOGUE

“That passage from Tobit reminds me of a story about my dear mother, Mary. You see, she too had been visited by an angel. Gabriel had come to her, saying “Hail, full of grace!” And she looked at him and said, “I’m awfully sorry, but can you come back in ten minutes? I’m praying my rosary.”

Hmmm. Given the way some priests start all their homilies with a joke or two, they’d have no trouble believing Jesus warmed up the crowds before teaching them.