Report: Vatican Creates Orders For Perpetually Outraged Catholics

Report: Vatican Creates Orders For Perpetually Outraged Catholics July 7, 2015

(AoftheANews) VATICAN CITY – The Congregation for Institutes of Consecrated Life and Societies of Apostolic Life announced today the formation of three new apostolic orders geared towards perpetually outraged Catholics – one for men, one for women, and the third for those who are outraged that the CICLSAL has formed new apostolic orders.

angry-mob

The spokesman for the  Congregation told AoftheA News that these orders were formed to give Catholics determined to be angry about anything and everything, a “safe place” to develop their “unique form of spirituality”; to be part of a community where “their points of view were taken seriously”. Surveys revealed that the number of P.O. Catholics was on the rise – primarily on the Internet.

“The Holy Father has asked the Church to reach out and welcome those living on the margins, those out on the fringes,” the spokesman said. “And frankly, we couldn’t think of anything more fringey than the perpetually outraged Catholic. Naturally, they all complained about this directive.”

The Congregation provided no additional details about governance, rules, or privileges, though an anonymous source told AoftheA News that the names for the three orders are the Kvetchicans, the Criticizitines, and the Ohellnoians.

It is believed these orders will be moanastic in nature.

Photo credit: ** RCB ** / Foter / CC BY

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  • Wonderful! You should do a web comic about these three orders. 🙂

  • Viterbo Fangirl

    “It is believed these orders will be moanastic in nature.”
    Will their support and sustenance be dependent on the charity of the community around them? Or did the CICLSAL in its wisdom suggest that the mother houses be built in outer Mongolia… with no Wi-Fi?

    • LarryD

      Nah. I just thought it was an awesome pun.

      • Viterbo Fangirl

        WHAT?! I AM OUTRAGED!!! … Hmmm. Will there be a reformed order solely dedicated to comment posters and trolls?

      • Sophia Sadek

        Awesome is a bit hyperbolic, but it certainly was moan-worthy.

  • stefoodie

    Hahahahahaha!!!! Thanks for the laugh!!! Needed it!

  • JohnE_o

    *snort* that last line was classic!

  • obrmb

    and hopefully cloistered, as well.

    • Robin Warchol

      especially that!

  • John Mallon

    Under the patronage and protection of Our Lady of the Perpetually Pissed?

  • I thought that’s what the Legion of Mary was for- to take Perpetually Pissed Catholics (thanks John, below) and make them say so many rosaries they can’t do any harm.

  • Robin Warchol

    This just made my day!

  • ThankGodIamCatholic

    That’s great! What a laugh.

    And at the same time the Vatican should create another order for the Perpetual Lukewarm Catholic Farceurs–

    for those spectator Three-Stooges Catholics who laugh at how sin is destroying our families. Those hysterical spiritual cut-ups who have a great chortle at their own mocking wittiness. Cardinal Dolan could head the order of buffoonery!! Their masses could be done in Pig Latin and the Eucharist could be in bubble gum!! The responses could be:

    “Surely, you jest father!”
    “Of course, and don’t call me Shirley!!”

  • Colin Corcoran

    Why did I not find mocking people funny… Especially those people who are the ones trying to uphold doctrine and tradition in the Catholic Church, as we are not Sola Scriptura. Instead you should create a new progressive order and it can schism as it wills.

    • LarryD

      “Instead you should create a new progressive order and it can schism as it wills.”

      We have that – it’s called “The National Catholic Reporter”. 🙂

  • Nooneyouknow

    “moanastic”

    Priceless!