Hail to the Chief

Dateline: day after election, everywhere, USA

… and another thing, Mister President. Just wanted to say congratulations, shake your hand and all that.

It’s been a long, hard election season, and we voters have done a swell job raising complex questions with no easy answers. Even though we’d like those easy answers to exist.

So solving all the problems of the world is your job now. Yep … now that you’re in office we want our presidents to fix, fix, fix.

Let’s get on with business, alrighty?

I wonder if you could do something about the economy. Do it quick. We need jobs, and we need them bad. Higher wages all around would be nice too … particularly for me.

And it would be swell if you could end all the wars around the globe. Every war that’s ever happened is the responsibility of the POTUS, so keep our military small and politically correct, while still protecting our domestic and international interests—okay?

By the way, Mister President, you need to make sure we’re well respected in the world. Not seen as arrogant, because we don’t want other nations thinking we’re strutting our stuff. But we need to be seen as powerful—really powerful—even to those dictator types like Chavez who only understand power their way. So could you sort that out please, Mister President?

And, Mister President, would you put it on your agenda tomorrow to stop global warming? Man, I’m sick of taking vacations in the rain. I want a president who ensures no weird weather from here on out. Your new middle name needs to be Mister Sunny Days President. No crop failures. No hurricanes. No famine or pestilence. Never.

And another thing, Mister President, would you puh-leez fix health care? I hate spending more each month on health care than I do on my mortgage. But for goodness sake, don’t do what the Canadians did. If we’ve got the flu, we want to be able see our doctors more than once in five years. Well, maybe you should kinda do what the Canadians did. You know—make health care ABSOLUTELY FREE and all.

Could you make sure America stays Middle Class? Keep out the Mexicans is what I’m talking about. And the Pakistanis, they’re starting to worry me. And anyone with the last name Ahmadinejad. But I don’t want to carry a passport when I fly. And I don’t want to be profiled. You’re really starting to press my civil rights, Mister President. So just watch it, okay?

This time, don’t have sex with your secretary.

And don’t record anyone talking about you in the hotel next door. All right, buddy?

Don’t bow to the Chinese ever again.

And—good grief—learn how to correctly spell potatoe.

And another thing, Mister President—don’t spend any more money. Keep those thousand points of light as small as possible. But make sure the roads are fixed, the schools aren’t shuttered, and no child gets left behind.

Oh, and Mister President … could you … for once … be cool? This time, I want my president playing bass guitar. Bass guitar players are always cool.

Thanks Mister President. It’s gonna be a great next four years.

Question: What do you hope the president accomplishes (or not) in the next four years?