Applying Trump’s Logic to My Life

Applying Trump’s Logic to My Life September 14, 2021

Today is the California recall election, where we are voting either to keep Gavin Newsome or vote him out. Since the candidate leading the polls if Newsome is recalled is Larry Elder, God help us if Newsome loses. Either way, former POTUS Donald Trump is already calling the election rigged. Since there is no evidence of this, and since facts and truth no longer matter, I’m going to just start saying whatever the hell I want. It’s gonna make my life absolutely incredible.

So, without further ado, allow me to admit some things to you. I’ve been holding back for so long now, but it’s gonna be great to finally be honest with y’all.

Here goes . . .

I know that it looks like Keith Giles sells more books that I do, he really doesn’t. Amazon just isn’t counting sales correctly. I’m outselling him by thousands.

Tottenham Hotspur have never won the English Premier League because they aren’t counting all their wins. If they did, we’d be nine-time champions.

The San Jose Sharks have never won the Stanley Cup because they don’t count all their goals. Count them all up, and we’ve won the past 3 out of 4, and 5 out of 8.

My podcast, the Heretic Happy Hour, is the most downloaded podcast on the planet but Spotify isn’t counting all our streams.

I have the largest penis on earth but no one is measuring it correctly. If they did, it’d come in at over 12 inches.

My above-ground pool is really an in-ground pool.

My ’98 Ford Ranger is really a ’21 Tesla.

It may look like I only have 500 books, but it’s more like 5,000.

I am the greatest hip-hop artist of all time. Not Em. Not Kendrick. Not Biggie. Not Jay. Not NF. Not Missy. Me.

My 3-bedroom house is actually a 6-bedroom house if you really think about it.

My Fender acoustic is actually a Martin.

My electric piano is really an acoustic grand.

I know it looks like I can only bench 225 once, but you weren’t watching the whole time. I really put up over 20 reps.

I make over $20 an hour in social work; you just aren’t good at maths.

I can give my wife multiple orgasms (okay, that one’s actually true).

If you don’t count the over 200 miles of land, I actually have beachfront property.

My IQ is over 220 if you can count over 140.

My slip-ons aren’t from Target; they are real Vans.

I have over $100K in my checking account; the media is just not telling the truth.

And this blog is the greatest blog in the world, and Patheos’ most popular. It isn’t even close.


If you wanna get to know me better, please follow me on social media. I’m pretty active on all platforms:





Also, if you’ve been digging my work on here, and want to see me be able to continue writing as close to full-time as humanly possible, please take a look at my Patreon page at Even $1 a month helps bigly!!!

About Matthew J. Distefano
Matthew J. Distefano is the author of multiple books, a podcaster, social worker, and hip-hop artist. He lives in Northern California with his wife and daughter. You can read more about the author here.
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