Christians Relieved To Find Out Hell Is Real

Zion, IL – In a huge win for Evangelical Christianity, it has been determined that hell is in fact real, and that potentially billions of people will spend eternity in its flames. This news may come as a huge shock to non-Christians and Universalists alike, but for the good majority of Evangelicals, it is a welcomed relief.

“This is fantastic news,” said Karen Edwards-Piper, wife of Zion, Illinois megachurch pastor Rhett Piper. “We’ve been hoping some of our ex friends and former loved ones would taste God’s white-hot wrath and now we’ve got proof. Honestly, I haven’t stopped smiling in a week.”

Proof came last Wednesday, when self-proclaimed “prophet” Wesley Richardson had a vision of the afterlife. He saw his non-believing grandparents, along with all of his ex-girlfriends, writhing in pain due to the unbearable heat, which can easily get into the triple digits on average.

“I was sitting down with my Bible after having closed out Incognito Mode, when all of a sudden the Lord gave me a vision. There I was, watching people burn in hell. Friends. Loved ones. A bunch of girls who broke up with me in high school. I’m guessing a bunch of atheists and gays. All of them, suffering for all eternity. It was just the validation I needed to continue to preach the Gospel.”

When asked for comments, most Universalists were unavailable. However, one did get back to me with a brief message. All it said was, “This is bullshit.”

Bullshit or not, Evangelical Christians are celebrating. In fact, there is growing momentum to make “Hell Is Real Day” a nationally recognized holiday where in which Christians will mockingly laugh at all the people they’re convinced will not make it into heaven.

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