5 Worst Christmas Songs, Ranked

Bah humbug!

I hate Christmas songs.

Not all of them, but most of them. Call me a Grinch. Call me a hater. I don’t care. Most are kitschy, cheesy, and just plain annoying.

Some, however, take it to the next level and must be destroyed as soon as possible.

Here’s just five Christmas songs that need to be tossed into the dustbin of history.

V. Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer

I don’t mind the macabre nature of something. And nothing is darker than singing about your grandmother’s death. But singing about her death in an upbeat, major key? Now that’s just creepy! This song needs to die along with the grandma who drank too much spiked eggnog.

IV. Little Drummer Boy

I don’t know if it’s just me, but singing snare rolls is just annoying. Pa Rum Pum Pum Pum? Unless you’re Dwight and Angela. Then the song is hilarious, but only ironically so.

III. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

Nothing says Christmas cheer like a married elderly man who judges all your actions, sneaks into your house once a year, and then makes out with your mother. Oh, but he brings you presents (allegedly) so apparently it’s cool? Yeah, I don’t think so. If anyone’s on the naughty list, it’s someone who cheats on their wife with my mother.

II. Baby, It’s Cold Outside

I’m gonna admit something to you: I actually like the musicality of this song, as well as the melody lines. However, it’s the lyrics that ruin this jazzy tune. Encouraging her to stay and drink instead of going home? Yeah, not cool at all. I know the times were different when this song was written, but it probably should be out of our rotation today.

I. Mary, Did You Know?

Most biblically-literate Christians will respond by saying, “Yes, Mary knew.” Feminist theologians will definitely say that. I mean, it’s pretty clear if you read Luke that Mary knew who her son was. For me, though, as a trained musician with a degree, it’s not so much the lyrics that bug me, it’s the melody. It has cheese-factor written all over it. It reminds me of all those other sappy worship songs I begrudgingly played all those years. That’s why this song takes the top (or bottom) spot in my list. I can’t listen to 30 seconds of this dumpster fire of a song without wanting to return everyone’s gifts to the store (or Santa’s workshop).

I’m sure you’ll disagree with me on some of these. But I don’t care. Art is subjective, and you are entitled to have your opinion, just like I am. Have a happy Christmas, and if you don’t celebrate, have a good Saturday. Cheers!

UPDATE: I realize that I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus is about seeing your parents kiss. I was just making a joke. Also, I just listened to The Christmas Shoes and that is now the entire top 5 worst Christmas songs of all time. In fact, it’s the worst song I’ve ever heard. That key change in the chorus? The children singing. G to F to Em for the 1,000,000,000 time? I just can’t. Someone make it stop!

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