Two Steps to Positively Handle Adult Bullying

Step #1: “I know you don’t mean to be cruel — but you are.”

To interrupt the bully’s demeanor, you have to address the situation directly (“You are being cruel”). But to create actual change, you have to do it with overt kindness (“I know you don’t mean to be”).

Sorry. I know that robs us of the savage satisfaction of an undiluted smack-down.  

But it works. And here’s why.

If you don’t address it at all, their jerkiness will keep working for them. They will keep getting their way, people will keep backing down, or they will continue to get the fight they are looking for. The mean girl at school or the harsh boss at the office will get even more entrenched in their habits.

So you need to address it. The problem is, most of the ways we naturally address a bully (or are told to) will not change their behavior. We “confront” the jerk, or we “put them in their place.”  Standing up to a jerk and telling them their behavior is offensive is often needed — but too often, we simply end there.  Or, on the other end of the spectrum, perhaps we don’t like confrontation, so we downplay it and don’t address it directly enough.  (“You know, um, I might be too sensitive, and it’s not a big deal, but, um, every now and then there’s this thing you say …”)

Neither approach will change a thing.

What we found in the research for The Kindness Challenge is that, as odd as this sounds, giving the jerk the benefit of the doubt (“I know you don’t intend to be so harsh to the people on your team”) is a crucial starting point. In some subconscious way, it appeals to the better parts of their nature and melts through the defenses that the jerky part of their nature has built up over time. It moves them out of their corner, so they can start down a path that might actually lead somewhere. Note: it is not the last step, but the first one.