Realize that what you’ll start talking about is the under-the-surface stuff – not the awkward technicalities.
So to get started in conversation with your spouse, focus on that under-the-surface stuff. Where talking about technique or fantasies may initially seem like a bridge too far, the under-the-surface factors are where real breakthrough begins anyway. Then, eventually, you will be comfortable enough to share other things with one another – things you’ve been wishing the other person knew – and build a joint vision for what you both want your intimate life to look like.
But at the outset, dig into the other stuff that could be playing a role in how you feel in this area of your marriage.
For example, maybe you didn’t have good guidance on sexuality when you were growing up and you feel hesitant. Or maybe you pull back because you want more sex but don’t want to pressure your spouse…and then feel undesirable because your spouse never seems to want to initiate (if that’s you, read about the two types of desire in last week’s blog). Perhaps, like Brittany and Billy, you need to talk about relationship issues, potentially guided by a counselor or mentor. Or maybe insecurities about body image are holding you back from fully expressing yourself sexually. (If so, you might be interested to know that nearly half of our survey respondents, mostly women, feel self-conscious about their spouse seeing them naked, and yet 73% of those surveyed – the same people! – do want to see their spouse naked even with their imperfections. Recognizing that your spouse enjoys you in that way can help you open up more, conversationally and sexually.)
There are many potential factors running under the surface. Every couple is different, and sharing what matters to each of you could help you untangle patterns that are hurting both of you. Patterns that are causing emotional, marital, and sexual intimacy to suffer.
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