When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part One.

Step # 2. Double-Check Your Expectations

It is easy for us to get caught up in cultural stereotypes and expect our spouses to behave that way…. like the idea that men are always craving sex. While this may be true for many men, it is far from true for all men. If you take a look at our book Secrets of Sex & Marriage, you will see the results from our nationally-representative surveys of men and women – and see a great deal of diversity. Men aren’t always as simple as they are made out to be. The idea that men are testosterone-driven, desire-driven, and need sex frequently, is not necessarily true — especially as men age.

It is true that testosterone activates the part of the brain that focuses on sexual objects and has sexual thoughts. At a young age, many men must work diligently to discipline this part of the brain. Some men learn the skill quickly and become fairly disciplined in their sexuality. Others learn to repress (shut off) that part of who they are and may have difficulty turning it back on in the appropriate context, such as marital sex. Or physical issues like aging can cause a decrease in testosterone and result in a drop in the intensity of sexual thoughts and drive. There are many issues that may result in a husband who doesn’t fit the stereotype of always wanting sex.

While sexual drive is generally quite resilient in most men, we are affected by more than just testosterone. Male sexual drive can be affected by a host of external factors. A husband who is under a lot of stress, not sleeping well, not eating well, not exercising, or is generally out of balance, may totally lose interest in sex. While the male stereotype is, “If I only have a little energy left, I want to go out having sex,” I only see that in jest, or in a small percentage of husbands. To me, it makes more sense that God would design our bodies in such a way that, if we are too stressed or out of balance, our bodies would lose interest in sexual relations. If a man is barely keeping his head above water in life, his body might simply move sexual desire off the table completely.

Besides testosterone, men also pursue sex for the rush and the connection. These too can be affected by a host of things that result in him having lower sexual drive. Most importantly: if he is feeling criticized, disrespected, or demeaned by you it might be very difficult for him to want sex. Criticism, or fear of not being able to perform to expectations (yours or his), are common killers of sexual interest.

The reality is that many men experience times when they lose interest in sex for any of a variety of reasons. This is normal. If you, as his wife, don’t expect this occasionally, you might allow your hurt, fear, or confusion to reinforce your inaccurate expectations. The result is rarely helpful in raising his desire to be sensual and intimate with you. I’ve worked with many couples going through a season where the husband has low desire. Often, in the wife’s fear-based anger, she attacks the husband and his manhood (“What’s wrong with you? Real men want sex.”). This attack cuts to the core of the husband’s confidence as a male and often totally disrupts sexual desire in the marriage, turning a temporary situation into a true problem.

Our research found that husbands have the higher sexual drive in 54 percent of marriages, while wives have the higher sexual drive in 24 percent of marriages (for the rest, the drive was equal). Which means that the wife has the higher sexual drive in one of four couples. That is not a tiny number. So realize: It is possible that nothing is wrong with you or your husband, and that you just happen to be one of those couples. Expecting to be one of the majority when you are actually one of the 24 percent can put undue pressure on your spouse, yourself, and your marriage. Again, it is fine if you wish you weren’t one of the 24 percent, but it is equally important to recognize that you might be.

Now, does that mean you’re simply supposed to accept that you have a mismatch and “live with” the challenging and negative feelings that come with it? Not at all. You might need to accept that you are the high-desire spouse in your marriage, but that doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do about it, or that you need to live with hurt, fear, and confusion. We’ll touch on this more in Part Two, but the bottom line is that there is a lot you can do to address the problem – but there’s also a lot you can do to address your feelings. Take charge of your emotions, so they do not take charge of you.

Another area in which high-desire wives might have unrealistic expectations is in how frequently sex will happen. Some wives simply believe that his desire “should” always be higher than hers– no matter what hers is. The reality, however, is that most individuals (meaning both husbands and wives) report they would like sex more frequently than it happens. So the problem isn’t always the natural desire itself: it’s that other things get in the way of desire, such as fatigue, work, distraction, and fear — to name a few.

His lack of desire might still seem like a problem to you, but before moving forward, try to check your expectations about what his desire should be, and what sex should look like as a couple.