Mindset shift #2: Resist the “if-onlys”
One certain way to sabotage the joy of making proactive choices and living fully where we are is to let the “if-onlys” creep in. What do those sound like?
- regret that we didn’t try to live according to our season of life a lot earlier (if only I hadn’t put off having kids for so long)
- the subtle trap of dissatisfaction with where we are (If only I had ____ I’d be happy)
- an understandable reaction to true tragedy (If only ____ hadn’t happened).
Famous novelist Joan Didion recounts how she fell into that latter trap. When her husband, author John Gregory Dunne, died shortly after Christmas 2003, Didion wrote that she came home from the emergency room and tried to carry on exactly as before. She kept her husband’s clothes and shoes in place. She left his desk untouched. Didion eventually realized that as she didn’t move past the painful “if onlys” of losing her husband, she was also not moving into her next season and living fully in it.
When we are stuck in an “if only” phase, we can move forward by accepting this truth: solving our “if only” is usually either impossible (such as a loved one’s death) or would probably not offer the lasting fulfillment we’re aiming for anyway (such as finally having this or that opportunity). As I wrote in Life Ready Woman, if we are going to thrive, we have to honestly acknowledge our current season—even if is a difficult one that we are very eager to leave behind.
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