What Every Empty Nest Parent Needs to Know (Part 3)

Action step #1: Be careful to not point at your spouse’s mistakes (but at what they did right!)

You and your spouse are on the same side. You’ve probably always been on the same side. I’ll be writing a blog later this fall on defensiveness (subscribe to my email list to ensure you don’t miss that crucial post!), so I won’t unpack that here. Just one important point to mention: As you consider the “new world,” you may see things that should have been done differently in the old one. You or your spouse may be tempted to mention those things. And this is likely to lead someone to get defensive.

When we get defensive, we stop learning and growing, and instead begin protecting our mistakes – which makes it tempting to point our fingers at the mistakes of our spouse. As you can imagine, this will not lead to the happiest start to your new season of life.

Consider the case of Tim and Cecilia and their youngest son, who moved out in a defiant teenage blaze of glory. Their plan had been for their son to live at home while he went to community college, so they could help him live a healthy adult lifestyle. Instead, he found roommates and, to use his words, “got the heck out” at age 18.

They were shocked and, they admit now, defensive. During their son’s high school years, they had developed a pattern in which conflict-avoidant Tim yielded most of the discipline to Cecilia, who grew increasingly frustrated with both her husband and their son. Now, with their nest unexpectedly empty, Tim and Cecilia were left pointing fingers at each other (“You were too hard on him!” and “You didn’t help me!”).

The truth is, both Tim and Cecilia could have done things differently. Counseling has put them well on the way to relating to each other in healthier ways. And maybe a little geographic distance was the good thing for their relationship with their son, who recently told them, “I know I pushed you guys to the limits, but I want you to know that without you I wouldn’t be where I am in life.”

None of us are perfect parents. If we’re going to point out anything, let’s point at what our spouse did right. Consider one of my favorite verses in the Bible:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. (Philippians 4:8)

You are not the only one missing your child so much that your heart aches. Your spouse probably is too. So what do they need to hear from you today about what he or she did right as a parent?