7 Steps to Keep Defensiveness from Ruining Our Relationships (Part 1)

Action Step #2: Take a few breaths (literally)  

 As you’ll see below, there are several key factors that will interrupt the cycle, such as forcing ourselves to actually listen. But before we can do any of them, we have to reset our brains to sort of pop them out of the defensiveness pattern. 

None of us likes to be called out for our “stuff” (or to feel like we are), and when that happens our sympathetic nervous system may tense for a fight-or-flight response—which over time, becomes a habit. So the next time our spouse, friend, or colleague says something that pricks our defensive Spidey senses (“You totally threw me under the bus at that meeting!”), that’s a good moment to take things low and slow and dial down the volume.  

One practical way to do that is to be very purposeful about breathing low and slow for a few moments. Seriously. That is not some weird mind-over-matter thing. Much research has found that deep, slow breathing helps reset the fight-or-flight response of our brain and sympathetic nervous system. Cool, right? It allows us to listen and think through how we want to respond before we actually do.  

This short video has a good explanation of why breathing helps, and this short video explains a “box breathing” technique used for years among first responders and soldiers to allow focus and calmness in stressful situations.