7 Steps to Keep Defensiveness from Ruining Our Relationships (Part 1)

 Action Step #3: Purposefully listen to what your spouse is saying. 

 Once you have taken a few breaths and have “reset” your brain, here are three quick keys to listening: 

1. Focus on what they are saying—what is their actual concern? 
2. Focus on what they are feeling about the problem (essential in any situation, but especially for husbands to do in marriage)  
3. Do both of those without the self-protective measure of planning your response. 

 Note that an all-in state of listening without marshalling your own thoughts may feel radically unsafe in the moment. If you’re like me, you may be subconsciously thinking, “But I have to remember what my return arguments were going to be!” But if this is a person you do generally trust (as opposed to an abusive spouse or boss), it is the only way to truly listen.  

 If you do those three things, it ensures that you’re going to actually hear and hopefully understand their concerns. This is essential for the next four action steps, which we will cover next time. 

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