What a Unicorn Whale Can Teach Us About Marriage

Action step #1: Look for what’s underneath the surface  

 How often do we simply not notice that something is going on under the surface? Or something puzzles us… and we shrug and say, “Huh, that’s weird” and then go about our day.  

 The things that puzzle us are exactly what we should be curious about. 

I was talking to a woman whose husband of 30 years was facing serious health issues. Even though she made enough money to cover their bills, he continued to work tons of overtime. She was worried he was harming his health and couldn’t fathom why he was insisting on the extra hours. They had a lot of conflict, but no resolution.  

She didn’t realize his puzzling behavior was the equivalent of a narwhal horn breaching the surface: an invitation to investigate something below.  

She caught a glimpse of it when I shared with her a statistic from the For Women Only research: Even if their wives earn more than enough money to support their family’s lifestyle, an eye-popping 78% of men still feel it is their job to provide for their family. Providing is often at the core of who they feel they are. 

Suddenly, this woman realized that tucked underneath her husband’s behavior was worry: That he wouldn’t be viewed as dependable or successful in the eyes of his wife or community. That he wouldn’t be him if he didn’t work. 

Needless to say, it changed her view of the overtime hours. And that allowed them to explore those under-the-surface emotions and grow closer.