What a Unicorn Whale Can Teach Us About Marriage

Action step #2: Investigate with care 

Being curious about weird-but-real ocean creatures can help you win trivia contests, but otherwise the stakes are low. The stakes are higher as you get curious about what’s deep in the heart of a spouse – the feelings they have but don’t know how to communicate.  

So as you are curious, be gentle with your spouse’s tender places. 

For example, with that “provider” compulsion, our husbands often worry about letting us down. Probing questions could be heard as painful criticism (“Why are you working so much? You’re going to make your health even worse.”) instead of appreciation (“I’m so grateful you care about providing for our family.”) In my research, men have told me they hear the questions better if appreciation comes first. If they just feel the pain, they may keep the deep stuff, well, stuffed. 

Or suppose you’re a husband whose wife has seemed upset or distant and you can’t figure out why. Don’t just dismiss it as something you won’t be able to figure out. Instead, put on your curiosity hat and gently ask about it. In our For Men Only research, the vast majority of women wanted their husband to investigate. It showed sensitivity (he noticed something was wrong), value (she was worth pursuing), and love (he cared enough to ask).