Why do we resist offering forgiveness?
Here are the most consistent objections I hear:
- It feels like we are letting the other person off the hook for their behavior. I have a right to be mad.
- It feels like we’re at risk of losing a sort of perceived advantage. When we forgive and let go, we instinctively feel we are losing the upper hand.
- Ironically (given the above), we also enjoy having a sort of “victim status.” This allows us to justify things we otherwise wouldn’t.
- We fear that the record of the person’s offense will somehow fall away if we forgive.
- We’ve been harmed so deeply that we actually want the other person to suffer.
Now, as we said last time, forgiveness does not diminish grievous hurts. And it doesn’t mean ignoring our legitimate pain or anger. But it does keep us from sinking into a pit of bitterness and avoid identifying as a victim for the long run.
Here’s what I mean. A dear friend of mine was raped as a teenager and that trauma has led to many emotional consequences for her and her husband. Yet she has worked to forgive her rapist, so she can be set free, even as she has worked to hold the man accountable. Forgiveness helps her approach life from a sense of personal agency, strength, and compassion.
The big picture in all this is that we have a sovereign God who cares about fairness and restoration. He values mercy and justice. And this may be hard to hear in some circumstances, but He loves you and the person who hurt you.
Our job is to forgive and let our God sort all the rest out. As I wrote in my devotional Find Joy, “One who forgives finds freedom. And when we find true forgiveness, we find joy.”
So how do we actually do that?
Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In