Emotional Need #3: Two words
At a large women’s event last month in Arizona, I shared with the audience that when they tell their husbands “I love you,” it’s nice. Men do like hearing it. But according to our surveys, there’s a phrase that’s far more emotionally powerful for them – one that makes most men feel deeply loved and cared for.
I invited the audience to guess. After a few guesses, one woman said it: “Thank you.”
“’Thank you?’ That’s it?” another woman loudly blurted, causing a ripple of laughter. “I wish I’d known that twenty years ago.”
In our nationally representative For Women Only research, 72% of men said there was a sense of deep pleasure when they do something and their wives sincerely thank them for it. Yes, for a lot of men … that’s really it.
One day, Jeff and I were speaking at a marriage event and shared that hearing “thank you” is often a man’s emotional equivalent of hearing “I love you.” One man relayed this story to Jeff. “You know those speed monitoring signs in neighborhoods that tell you when you’re going too fast? Well, there was one particular digital sign that would flash ‘Thank you’ in big letters when someone was sticking to the speed limit. I found myself taking that road a lot even though it wasn’t the most direct route … and I just now understood why. It’s crazy, but even when it came from electronic sensors there was a sense of deep satisfaction at seeing those words.”
Here are some practical ways to say thank you:
- Watch for the things your man does and find at least one opportunity every day to thank him. For making dinner even though he had a hard day at work, too. For making you feel loved by doing _____. For fixing the glitchy Wi-Fi. For walking the dog.
- Counteract any tendency to think, “Why should I have to thank him for walking the dog? That’s his job!” Remember, we are looking at each other’s unspoken needs! And hearing “thank you” is powerful – even for daily chores. After all, you want your man to say “I love you” or “you did great” to you, too, right? Hearing those affirmations is precious to all of us.
- Avoid immediate pairing of appreciation with “helpful” comments (e.g. “Thanks for getting my car washed. Could you take the car seat out next time before they vacuum the seats?”) Guys tell me that a request is fine the next day, but a “correction” in the moment is perceived as a statement of failure, not a statement of thanks.
- Look for natural ways to say “thank you” or praise your husband in front of others. When he gets your jacket from the car because the outside gathering is chilly, tell your friend, “He always does that.” He may look neutral, but on the inside, he is proud of being able to please you … and proud of you for being a generous person.
So … what do you think? Whether you have heard these things before, or whether some of them are new, I hope you see how helpful it will be to learn and attend to what matters to our spouse.
One key suggestion: Use this as a starting point for conversation, and ask your man which of these things are true of him. Then make sure you catch next week’s blog for more unspoken, emotional needs that matter to most men.
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