Action #3: Work together to align your expectations.
In Part 1, we looked at ways to investigate the issue under the issue and specifically talk about those things. If they had done so, Amanda and Joseph might have ended up saying things like:
Her: “I didn’t realize how much this helps you decompress, or that you had been wanting this for months, or that you viewed it as a big part of our entertainment plan going forward.”
Him: “I didn’t realize you were concerned that I might get into a pattern of taking advantage of you financially, instead of standing on my own two feet and making it work.”
And once we do look at the issue under the issue, we can explain what matters most to each of us. For example:
Her: “I can see why you felt strongly about buying the VR set. And I love the idea of the game you bought for me. But just so you know, I really place more value on being able to go out to eat together without feeling like I always have to pay.”
Him: “I can see why you felt strongly about me saving. And I am already planning for the process of building up enough for the most important purchases ahead – and also to take you out to dinner rather than the other way around. But just so you know, I really value being able to make certain purchases when I have the money to do so.”
Perhaps Amanda and Joseph might conclude that – once they are married and are actually sharing money – there’s a way to do what matters to both of them. For example, they might decide to work together to build up two months’ worth of untouchable emergency savings (so she doesn’t feel stressed), and once that happens, they can relax and allow him the flexibility to purchase certain things when they have the cash flow (so he doesn’t feel deprived).
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